Thank you so much! I have friends in the UK (I'm a vintage doll collector including Barbie, Pippa, Dawn & similar dolls) so I know how sweet you all are. In case I didn't mention it, I'm 57.
Here is the situation: My mom, a narcissist, is 92. I retired last year to move in and care for her. Lately, I've noticed that it seems like stressful or "exciting" situations can trigger tantrums in her. She's always had tantrums, and was quite emotionally & verbally abusive to me growing up and well into my 30s and 40s. But now that she's older they've gotten worse. I am wondering if it's dementia or just "old age."
Today, for instance, we had company. She was a little nervous and already acting somewhat out of sorts. That should've been a warning to me that she was about to act out. She mentioned to me something and I said I knew. That caused her to get all upset. She rolled her eyes, gritted her teeth, GROWLED at me, then proceeded to make threats (she often says I should move out), she thinks I hate her, I haven't changed, I'm a b****, I never loved her, etc. (Backstory - for years she & I didn't get along but thanks to counseling and God's help I have learned to control my anger and not react. I've been going thru some burnout and I overreacted to her today.) Normally, she is kind. I make sure to tell her daily that I love her, I enjoy caring for her, I appreciate all she does, etc. She usually knows these things & appreciates the compliments. Today during her tantrum, she wouldn't believe me. Instead she LAUGHED in a sadistic tone. When I told her how cruel she was, she just laughed more. I couldn't believe she would stoop so low as to laugh, in an almost "delightfully evil" tone. Unfortunately, I rose to her level and gave it right back to her. When I realized what I did, I IMMEDIATELY calmed down and apologized. I went to gently touch her shoulder and she started growling and saying "Don't you dare hit me or I'll have you arrested!" I told her I'd never hit her. She also accused me of clenching my fists, while clenching hers. I showed her my OPEN hands and said my fists aren't clenched but yours are.
Bottom line: when mom is having a tantrum, you can't reason with her or touch her. It's almost like she becomes temporarily insane during these moments. Then, once it's over, she STAYS angry and nurses her grudges. My entire life, she's held grudges against me and brought up my past mistakes, while - in typical narcissist fashion - expecting me to forget and forgive her abusive behavior (she can't be confronted about it, tried but she just gets worse). If I dare to bring up HER past, she turns on the crocodile tears and says things like "I'll remember this" etc. It takes her HOURS and sometimes a few DAYS for her to calm down.
I suspect she may have dementia, because she gets confused easily, forgets things, and often forgets (???) when she's gotten angry with me. However I don't know if it's truly dementia, or just her narcissism.
My 2 brothers don't want to get involved, and when I told them this morning, they just said "I don't how a dementia diagnosis is going to help you, Mom IS 92."
Mom thinks she doesn't have dementia because she can pretty much care for herself...she just needs me to help with making her tea, getting her meds and groceries, taking her to appointments & other places, etc. EVERYONE that sees her thinks the same. Even the aides and caregivers that came in to help her prior to my moving down here. I contacted a local aide who I knew helped mom before and told her the problem, and she basically blamed me for Mom's behavior. She said I don't keep her house as clean as I should and that is why Mom's upset, so I should just move out and only come in when needed.
I informed the aide that even though Mom & I's home isn't immaculate like hers, I do all I can and I do housework all the time, also that Mom is more than happy with my services & has said so. I couldn't believe an aide would try to blame ME for Mom's behavior!
So now, I'd like to see if I can get her primary doctor to do some kind of "test" for dementia, without Mom knowing. She has always been suspicious of anyone who does that, because as I said she thinks she does well for her age. And she DOES...except for the occasional confusion, forgetfulness, and most of all TANTRUMS and rage.
Help me if you can!