Missing spouse intensely

[armensmith]

I just placed my spouse of almost 60 years in a long term care facility and have waves of sorrow hit me often unexpectedly. How do I handle this?

 

[maisiecat]

I just placed my spouse of almost 60 years in a long term care facility and have waves of sorrow hit me often unexpectedly. How do I handle this?

Hi @armensmith ,my husband of 46 years has been in a Dementia Nursing Home since August. I know about the waves of sorrow and also loneliness.
My advice would be to structure your days with things to do. I visit my husband 5 days a week and because I don't drive it takes 5 hours out of my day. I have taken the time to thoroughly clean the house after the neglect from caring and I have decorated a couple of rooms.
It won't take the pain away but it will fill some time and grief, which is what you are experiencing, is exhausting.
You will get a lot of support on here. Many are walking the same path.
Take care and find those of your friends that are helpful. Im afraid you will find some friends while meaning well say the wrong thing

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @armensmith and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. Getting used to a different lifestyle when a partner moves into care is difficult. My wife has been in her care home for almost 5 years. I have been fortunate in being able to return to my pastime of cycling with some good friends. I also have a dog to keep me company. One has to make the best of a situation that nobody would choose but which has become necessary. I have become used to my life as it is now but still miss having my wife at home. What helps me and many others is being able to come here to ask questions, join in conversations, share with people who truly understand, and make virtual friendships. I hope that you will benefit too.

 

[Chizz]

I just placed my spouse of almost 60 years in a long term care facility and have waves of sorrow hit me often unexpectedly. How do I handle this?

It is likely @armensmith that your relationship with your OH may/will change. Visiting OH and being with him will I think be quite different to having been a full time carer at home, where you've been doing everything for him. Now the care home staff take over the "doing things to him" role so you can just do the things with him, which hopefully will be less stressful / tiring than was the case.
Take time to also remember you are you, and can have interests yourself, that had been on hold or unstarted.
Best wishes and hugs.

 

[AmaJ]

Thank you to all who have shared in this thread. I happen to be the daughter that my Mom is turning to when she needs to share her grief. Dad went into rehab care after a fall, and then sadly was placed permanently two weeks ago. Mom is having a really tough time. Dad wants her to come share the room and live there with him but she refuses. That is her choice to make.
Everyone's path is different, even though on the same road. Grief is like an ocean, it ebbs and flows. When we lost a daughter, we learned to as was suggested, find things to occupy our minds, and even hands. Try to find a positive outlet- be it journaling, art, music, gardening, etc, even if you don't feel like it. And when the wave comes, don't fight it. Let if flow over you - eventually it washes away and you are cleansed for a bit. Give yourself permission to grieve. Grieving is a journey, but not a destination. In my humble opinion.

 

[Angelsoul]

That must have been so hard for you both.
Do you have family and friends for support?
You need to fill your time with something to do...volunteering can be rewarding, just anything to distract you for a while.
60 years is amazing...Bless you both. Xxxxxx

 

[Chizz]

I miss my OH terribly, and she's in the next room.