Alzheimer’s and grieving

[AdieB]

Mum was diagnosed with alzheimers 10th April and Dad passed away on unexpectedly on 12th after a fall the previous week. It has been a challenging time for obvious reasons but particularly because sometimes Mum thinks Dads still here, sometimes she doesn’t remember him at all and sometimes thinks its her Mum & Dad whose funeral we’re planning (she doesn’t know who i am). I wondered if anyone had experience or advice on how to support Mum in the best way possible?

 

[Collywobbles]

In my experience, the way to cause least distress is just to go along with whatever the person believes at any given moment in time. Whatever they think, and regardless of how often the narrative changes, it’s absolutely true for them.

I’m so sorry that you have so much to cope with at once.

 

[AdieB]

@Collywobbles thankyou, I’ve been trying to respond in that way and your advice makes absolute sense, the challenge for Mum is that every time someone comes to pay their respect it’s like the first time she’s hearing the news. I don’t want to ask her friends not to mention Dad as he was their friend too but it’s really hard to see the grief each visit causes.

 

[Collywobbles]

That’s very difficult. I’m sure their friends would be upset to know that they were adding to her distress. Is there any way you could warn them in advance? Maybe explain that your Mum doesn’t have a consistent understanding of the situation. Ask them not to specifically mention your Dad first, but if your Mum brings him up then talk about him the way she does? Maybe introduce them to her as “they’ve dropped in for a visit” and see how it goes?

Ultimately the friends ‘only’ have their grief to deal with. Your Mum has it multiple times as she hears the news fresh each time. Anyone with an ounce of empathy will want to minimise that upset.

 

[jay6]

What a sad situation for you both. You are also grieving for your dad too. I agree with collywobbies, best to try letting her think whatever at that given moment because she won't understand which will only cause stress. It will be real to her.

 

[AdieB]

💙thank you both, it makes absolute sense