I joined this forum a few days ago, and I've been reading other people's posts. I'm really amazed by the level of (unpaid) care people are willing to offer their relatives. I actually find it a bit scary, because I honestly don't think that I can, or that I want to, offer my mother the same level of care. The situation is that mum is nearly ninety. We are currently trying to sell her house so that she can come and live in a bungalow near me. My brother, who is also moving, will be about an hour and a half away by car. I have a husband, but no children, and my brother has no children either. We are both early retired (but my husband is still working). Mum is in the early stages of dementia, and is currently being tested. The provisional diagnosis by her GP is vascular dementia, rather than Alzheimer's but she hasn't had a brain scan yet. My dad died ten years ago. He had Parkinson's disease for several years before he died and during that time I spent many weeks helping mum with his care. After his death, I spent several weeks with her, getting her back on her feet again. Then a year later I moved abroad for several year, because of my husband's work. I promised mum that I'd visit her at least once a year, and I kept that promise, once staying five months to nurse her through shingles. I returned to the UK a year ago. She'd had a fall in the spring and been showing signs of dementia since then. I've spent about two months out of the last year staying with her, sorting out various problems, only to have it all fall apart once I've left. My feeling is that if she is near me it will be easier. We got an assessment by Social Services a few months ago, but at that point their assessment was just that she needed a carer 20 mins a day, which was frankly a joke. But, I'm hoping that when we get a proper diagnosis she will be assessed with a higher level of care needs. She is self-funding because of her level of savings, but I don't want to put a care package in place that social services won't fund when she runs out of money. A residential home doesn't seem appropriate just yet, except for respite care. She did stay in one near me for a week, but didn't like it much. The thing is that although I've devoted a lot of time to her care over the last decade, I really don't want it to become a full-time job. We are not an affectionate family. Neither of my parents ever hugged me or praised me or offered me any affection when I was a child. My mother often says quite unpleasant things to me and about me, and has always done so; it has nothing to do with her dementia. She also slanders me to the neighbours, but fortunately she has a reputation for saying the most appalling things about other people, so no-one takes any notice. I used to make a joke years ago about how if mum got dementia, how would we tell? But that seems like a sick joke now. She has always had a strong irrational and manipulative streak and that is still there along side the memory loss. For example, she eats a chocolate bar, waits half an hour, then takes a sugar reading for her diabetes. It is inevitably high, so she rings the doctor or rings for an ambulance because she is having a 'diabetic crisis'. That isn't the dementia; she's been doing it whenever she wants attention for the last 25 years. On no occasion has the reading actually been so high that it counts as a real crisis, but she keeps doing it despite the fact that the doctor just tells her to go for a walk. On the other hand, I don't want her to suffer, and I feel strongly that I have a duty to care for her. Once she is living near me my plan is to get a carer at least twice a day, or more if that is the assessment. We'll also get a gardener and a cleaner as she has now. I'll accompany her on visits to the doctor, get her shopping for her,and pop in two or three times a week to see she is OK. I'll try to take her out once or twice a week to go to a cafe or something like that. Obviously the level of care will have to increase as her condition progresses, but I really don't think my sanity would survive spending 40 hours or more a week with her.