Hi. Hubby has serious short term memory problems but no dementia diagnosis. I really struggle with the number of times he asks the same question and my frustration upsets him. So recently I have tried hard to get him to note whatever it is... the time we are going out or who is coming over for dinner. The process of writing a note irritates him and even more when I ask him to read the note rather than me answering the same question again. Should I stand my ground and make him check the notes or do I give in and give him the answer over and over again. I am at my wits end.
Making notes
- Thread starter fifty1
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@fifty1 , I used a cheap A3 white board and hung it on the kitchen door with a Christmas wreath door hanger🤣
I bought one that was divided in to days of the week and put appointments on it and the times we needed to leave home. It was useful for a while until my OH forgot to use it!
Notes are of limited use when the person loses them, forgets they exist, can no longer relate the words to a physical action, or can’t remember where they put them.
My Dad went to the shops a couple of weeks ago. He left large notes saying where he was on his armchair, and at face level on every door out to the front garden. He still came home to find Mum standing at the end of the drive, panicking because she didn’t know where he was. Mum could read the words on the notes when they were pointed out to her, but the words didn’t seem to have any link to what was happening in the world around her.
My Dad went to the shops a couple of weeks ago. He left large notes saying where he was on his armchair, and at face level on every door out to the front garden. He still came home to find Mum standing at the end of the drive, panicking because she didn’t know where he was. Mum could read the words on the notes when they were pointed out to her, but the words didn’t seem to have any link to what was happening in the world around her.
Hello, it’s so hard isn’t it. My lovely husband had a diagnosis of moderate dementia February last year, but is deteriorating fast. He has his diary and writes in it, and I put things in it but he forgets that’s he’s read it, and asks me over and over what’s this , what did we do today etc. he gets cross with me if there’s nothing written in it for a specific day.
I suggested a white board but he got quite aggressive and said he didn’t want to read a board, he wanted to speak to a person ie me.
I have accepted that I have to respond over and over with the same answers as he forgets straight away. I try to remember that for him every time is the first time. When I get really upset, frustrated, impatient I go into another room.
Then when I go back he’s happy and then will ask me the same thing ! 😩
Try to be patient. Many of us on here know exactly how you feel.
Hi @fifty1
I know how you feel, and many many carers on this forum have been through what you have expressed.
It was in the early stages that my OH would make notes of almost everything, even things that would not be relevant later. This is a coping mechanism commonly used.
Then the PWD forgets what the notes say, or forgets to look at them, or just forgets.
Then my OH started having difficulty with co-ordination and her writing deteriorated and eventually she stopped writing altogether. Then because of deteriorating memory she stopped bothering to read. Although she loved her one or two magazines, and reading novels, detective stories etc, she got to the stage where she couldn't remember what she had read the day before, and would have to re-read it. I got her magazines with short articles, so she could read the article in one go, and try a different article the next time. Then she stopped reading.
The continually asking questions, including the same question over and over again was, in my view, just a spoken version of the earlier writing of notes. Yes, a full time carer has to have the patience and tolerance of a saint. Yes, I used to just answer each time she asked - and that was countless times in a very short period until she forgot to ask, and that phase passed as well. Any frustrations or anger etc I took out away from my OH - eg hitting a ball on a tennis court with my old codger friends! They - the old codger friends - could tell how my caring was going from the kind of mood I was in on the tennis court! That too has passed.
You could always have a rant on this forum if it would help you.
Best wishes and a virtual hug.
Thanks for replying. Hubby is nothing like that bad. It's just his memory. He knows exactly where the note pad is and easily read the note. He just finds it easier to ask and ask and ask. I don't know if I am being selfish or mean wanting him to refer to notes or if I have to hide my frustration and keep repeating answers.
All we can tell you is that whatever’s going in, he can’t help it. He’s not doing it deliberately. Dementia’s such an odd thing to get a handle on. If the notes aren’t helping now, it’ll only get worse. I think it might be time to drop them.
