Well I confess I have shocked and bewildered myself! The intensity of feelings since losing mum is unbelievable. I was always 'Daddy's girl'... there have been times in the past I wouldn't have even described myself as 'close' to mum (although that changed very much over latter years). Hubby (as amateur psychologist!) suggests it's because now I am finally grieving for dad as well .... it's the finality now that they are BOTH gone ... as long as I had mum in any way, shape or form in essence I had a part of dad too, and often when faced with decisions about caring for her I found myself 'talking' to dad and checking out what he would have done for her or what he would want me to do for her ..... Then too when dad died we immediately took on the mantle of 'caring' for mum - not with the intensity of the last few years of course .... the family home was still the family home .... I can see hubby's point to some degree ....
But this feels so different ... I have wondered about witnessing her death .... I confess her last couple of weeks traumatised me and selfishly I in part regret having maintained the vigil that I did (for my own emotional well-being) ... despite dad's long lingering illness I wasn't there at the end and didn't see him suffer to the degree mum did .... then, too, while I played a part it was mum who was his primary carer. We did change our lifestyle to help with dad's care - yet it did not seem to dominate and drive our lives quite as looking after mum had done of late ......
Then there is the 'dementia' element ..... I recall dad's increasing 'confusion' (which with wonderful hindsight I realise was dementia) which rocked me but it wasmostly 'hidden' thanks to mum's amazing strength and care in keeping him at home ... mum's was so apparent towards the end .... how someone could slide from early/mid stage to how she was at the end in such a short space of time? ..... whatever our relationship over the years, I was always proud that mum was a strong, feisty and very dignified woman - to see her robbed of all that - well I just can't get some of the images out of my head ...... I know these are 'images' that people here are still living with day in and day out ... how do you ever cope? Maybe I'm still not coping with accepting what a cruel disease this is ... and how could this ever have happened to someone I loved? And why couldn't I do anything to stop it?
I don't know that trying to rationalise it will help, but thanks for listening ....
Love, Karen, x
But this feels so different ... I have wondered about witnessing her death .... I confess her last couple of weeks traumatised me and selfishly I in part regret having maintained the vigil that I did (for my own emotional well-being) ... despite dad's long lingering illness I wasn't there at the end and didn't see him suffer to the degree mum did .... then, too, while I played a part it was mum who was his primary carer. We did change our lifestyle to help with dad's care - yet it did not seem to dominate and drive our lives quite as looking after mum had done of late ......
Then there is the 'dementia' element ..... I recall dad's increasing 'confusion' (which with wonderful hindsight I realise was dementia) which rocked me but it wasmostly 'hidden' thanks to mum's amazing strength and care in keeping him at home ... mum's was so apparent towards the end .... how someone could slide from early/mid stage to how she was at the end in such a short space of time? ..... whatever our relationship over the years, I was always proud that mum was a strong, feisty and very dignified woman - to see her robbed of all that - well I just can't get some of the images out of my head ...... I know these are 'images' that people here are still living with day in and day out ... how do you ever cope? Maybe I'm still not coping with accepting what a cruel disease this is ... and how could this ever have happened to someone I loved? And why couldn't I do anything to stop it?
I don't know that trying to rationalise it will help, but thanks for listening ....
Love, Karen, x