Losing the second parent?

[Tender Face]

Well I confess I have shocked and bewildered myself! The intensity of feelings since losing mum is unbelievable. I was always 'Daddy's girl'... there have been times in the past I wouldn't have even described myself as 'close' to mum (although that changed very much over latter years). Hubby (as amateur psychologist!) suggests it's because now I am finally grieving for dad as well .... it's the finality now that they are BOTH gone ... as long as I had mum in any way, shape or form in essence I had a part of dad too, and often when faced with decisions about caring for her I found myself 'talking' to dad and checking out what he would have done for her or what he would want me to do for her ..... Then too when dad died we immediately took on the mantle of 'caring' for mum - not with the intensity of the last few years of course .... the family home was still the family home .... I can see hubby's point to some degree ....

But this feels so different ... I have wondered about witnessing her death .... I confess her last couple of weeks traumatised me and selfishly I in part regret having maintained the vigil that I did (for my own emotional well-being) ... despite dad's long lingering illness I wasn't there at the end and didn't see him suffer to the degree mum did .... then, too, while I played a part it was mum who was his primary carer. We did change our lifestyle to help with dad's care - yet it did not seem to dominate and drive our lives quite as looking after mum had done of late ......

Then there is the 'dementia' element ..... I recall dad's increasing 'confusion' (which with wonderful hindsight I realise was dementia) which rocked me but it wasmostly 'hidden' thanks to mum's amazing strength and care in keeping him at home ... mum's was so apparent towards the end .... how someone could slide from early/mid stage to how she was at the end in such a short space of time? ..... whatever our relationship over the years, I was always proud that mum was a strong, feisty and very dignified woman - to see her robbed of all that - well I just can't get some of the images out of my head ...... I know these are 'images' that people here are still living with day in and day out ... how do you ever cope? Maybe I'm still not coping with accepting what a cruel disease this is ... and how could this ever have happened to someone I loved? And why couldn't I do anything to stop it?

I don't know that trying to rationalise it will help, but thanks for listening ....

Love, Karen, x

 

[Tina]

Hubby (as amateur psychologist!) suggests it's because now I am finally grieving for dad as well .... it's the finality now that they are BOTH gone ... as long as I had mum in any way, shape or form in essence I had a part of dad too


I was always proud that mum was a strong, feisty and very dignified woman - to see her robbed of all that - well I just can't get some of the images out of my head ....... how do you ever cope? .. and how could this ever have happened to someone I loved? And why couldn't I do anything to stop it?

Dear Karen,

I'm inclined to agree with your hubby, or at least his thoughts correspond to the ones I have concerning the loss of my grandparents. See, when my nan died, I was dreadfully upset and I missed her terribly. Still do today, but in a different way. But because gramps was still there, there was still that link with nan...it was still "nan and gramps" really, because she was wherever he was...Part of the couple that consisted of the two of them was still there because gramps was still there. That meant part of what made my childhood and holidays so special was still there for me to hold on to...When he died nearly two years ago, that link disappeared, at least physically, and there was another dimension to the loss that I felt anyway because he had died. I didn't have grandparents any more...you think they'll always be around, and now it's the next generation..that of my dad and his siblings. I am without grandparents, but I'm guessing it's another story for them, as it is for you, because they don't have parents around any more.

The images...and the why and how questions...they will always rear their heads now and again. But you won't get any answers to the questions Doesn't stop you from asking them, I know, but maybe that, too, in time, will lessen.
You couldn't have done more than you did, and it was not in your power, nor is it in anyone else's, to do anything about the illness apart from trying to find the best possible care and support for your loved ones and provide them with as much quality of life as possible. Youd did that and more. The loss you are experiencing is heartbreaking. And because now both your parents have gone, it's an additional factor coming into play because not only have you lost mum, but you also realise that you're really without both parents now...

Take care,
Tina xxxx

 

[Mameeskye]

Hi Karen

I too have felt my Dad's loss more keenly again since Mum died.

Although I have had no problems being at Mum's death this year, I think I might have felt as you had done had an illness taken her sooner in her dementia path. But Mum trod that path to the bitter end, eventhough she should have been taken by another illness on at least three occasions.

I also found in the early days that I would frequently ask Dad what to do. I even wished that he was here to help..but as Mum slid more and more into confusion I was truly glad that he was not.

I can't find words to comfort you because I don't think that there any when you find that they are both gone. It hurts, really hurts. Some days are worse than others. While I am so pleased that my Mum no longer suffers I still miss her and the ache for her and my Dad returns too. I just hope that somewhere, someplace they are having fun together.

(((((hugs)))))

MAmeeskye

 

[barbara h]

Dear Karen,

I know exactly how you feel Karen. My Dad died 10 years ago but since my mam died in July i have been feeling his loss all over again. People told me losing your second parent is so much harder but it has shocked me the feeling of grief and loss for both of them.

We have been clearing her house and it is sold now so i think you are right about the link being there when mam was alive. Seeing the sold sign on the house just made me realise how final it all is and the home where we visited mam and dad will be gone forever. Also sorting through everything we obviously are coming across dad's things as well and lots of memories of their life together.

We just have to stay strong to get through it all.

love
barbara h

 

[Kayla]

Losing both parents

Dear Karen,
My Dad died in 2000 and my Mum died suddenly last May, aged 82. Losing Mum seemed to bring back so many memories of Dad, it was almost like losing him again. Also, I am an only child, so I feel that many things which happened in my childhood, which I was too young to remember, have now been lost forever. If I'd had a brother or sister, then they might have remembered things.

My Dad was reasonably well and active until he was 84, then he quickly went downhill health wise, ending up in hospital for a month, before he died of a heart attack. Mentally, he was still alert and had a good memory to the end. He even wrote a letter to an MP two days before he died.

Mum was vague and forgetful, but coping at home until she started having falls. She'd have been quite happy in her new Care Home, but fell and broke her hip, which was the beginning of the end for her, because she had severe rheumatoid arthritis and could not get back on her feet again. The hospital was a terrible environment for her and she was just getting worse all the time, until we managed to move her into a Nursing Home, where she improved quite quickly.

It was horrible sorting out Mum and Dad's house, so it could be let, especially as Mum was in the Care Home and knew what was happening. When we finally sold it this year, it seemed very sad to lose a house which they had lived in since the early 70's. I'm feeling as though there are less and less things belonging to Mum and Dad around and I'm losing touch with them.

I don't think there are any short cuts in the grieving process and I'm still feeling very sad when I think of my Mum. However, all the bad memories of her dementia are beginning to recede into the background and I'm thinking more and more of how Mum was before she was very ill.
The old frail lady in the Nursing Home is being replaced by the Mum who helped with the children and who came on holidays with us. I'm missing the friendly chats and the shopping trips and Christmas Times together.

It is definitely much worse coping with the pain and confusion of somebody with dementia, than an elderly person who is suffering in hospital with heart and kidney failure. People will visit a patient with physical health problems, but friends and relatives quickly disappear when physical illness is accompanied by dementia. We had lots of support when Dad was ill, but I was virtually on my own with my Mum, apart from the Nursing Home staff.

The flowers in my garden, which we planted for my daughter's wedding remind me of Mum and she would have loved them. We also put a seat in the Church garden in memory of Mum.
I still feel shocked when I think of how quickly we lost Mum and how unexpectedly.

Sometimes I think that I must pop along to the Nursing Home to see her, but remember that she isn't there. I didn't have to chance to say a final good bye, but I'm not really sure whether I'd have wanted to know when my last visit would be.

I think that you have been very brave and have done everything possible for your Mum. I hope that you will soon be able to look on the brighter side of life and think of happy memories of your parents.

Best wishes,

Kayla

 

[LIZ50]

Dear Karen

Have just read your post and it could have so easily been written by me as it just echoes my feelings and sentiments.
I too was a 'Daddy's girl' but when he died I knew that I had to stay strong for Mum and I really don't think I grieved properly for him. I also had Mum that I could talk to about Dad and we understood each other and had the same memories. Now that Mum's gone there is no-one to share those memories with and I find that so hard to deal with.
Today, and I don't know why, has been a hard day for me. The only reasons I can think of are that I attended my ex mother-in-law's 80th party on Saturday and it brought back so many memories of mum's 80th party; also Halloween is approaching and I remember last year when we had a few laughs with Nick dressing up as a devil to scare the callers and my little granddaughter, who was one year old, dressed as a little pumpkin. It made mum laugh, which was absolutely delightful, although I don't know if she really understood what it was all about and I have some lovely photographs to look back on.
Logically thinking, I know I should be so grateful for those happy memories but when it's a bad day logic doesn't seem to be around much but the heartache is. That's why I think TP is so valuable because you realise that you are not alone and that other people are in the same situation as yourself.
Hopefully, a better day tomorrow.
Love Liz xx