1. emags

    emags New member

    Mar 13, 2018
    3
    Hi,

    I'm not new to this- but i've only done one post before. And my new years resolution for 2020- was to reach out to people on here, but I thought why don't I start now- what's my excuse.

    A little bit about my situation- I'm 22, currently studying for my masters and my mother is in the late stages of alzhiemers.
    Unfortunately she can't really speak very well, and makes no sense anymore.
    I live away from home but go back every 2 weeks to spend weekends with her and my dad- who cares for her full time.

    And now-
    Well now, I'm alone- crying in my room- because I wish I could be going back to home to spend christmas with a normal family - like my friends.
    I wish I knew I was going home to a tree- and to presents and to my mum. But i'm not - Christmas is always so hard.

    I wish I knew someone who was in a situation like me- none of my friends understand.

    All I want is for her to be able to mother me and direct me and tell me what i'm supposed to be doing with my life - cause so far I feel like I'm somehow doing it wrong.
    I need my moms advice. I need my mom.

    The thought that she will never get to see me grow up (properly) or see me get a proper career or get married. The fact that she will never be a grandmother - I just despair.
    She deserves so much more than what she has been given- she deserves a life and memories and grandchildren and a future - and the disease is just taking from her.

    I guess I'm just looking to talking to someone who's been through or is going through it. Who knows what it's like to watch the person they love, the person who literally made them who they are - just vanish.

    Please help
     
  2. Vitesse

    Vitesse Registered User

    Oct 26, 2016
    102
    I am so sorry to read your post, your mother must be very young to be suffering this horrible illness. I don’t have direct experience of seeing my mum going through this, but I can guess how you feel. My husband is 20 years older than me and has Alzheimer’s. I am watching him deteriorate in front of me and there’s nothing I can do but try to comfort him. There have been plenty of days when I just sit and cry and feel there’s nothing to look forward to, but it gets you nowhere in the end, I guess.
    You should be proud of yourself for being such a caring daughter, and your father will be glad to have you home at Christmas to lighten his load. Be there for him!! I have no children, but I can assure you I would be delighted if I had someone to share this burden with. He needs you to chat to, to find out how you are doing, to reminisce with and to cry on your shoulder.
    Chin up!! Life is so unfair. We all wonder what we have done to deserve this!! But we have to soldier on!
     
  3. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    6,215
    Male
    Bristol
    So sad for you and for your parents, emags. You are not doing anything wrong, you are studying for a Masters degree so you are doing better than I was at 22.
    Watching someone you love just fade away is hard to do at any age. I'm 52 and it's my partner who has dementia, but that inability to have a conversation, to share hopes and dreams with someone close does leave me feeling so alone sometimes. Do keep posting here, you are among people who understand and who can support and advise you.
     
  4. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,558
    Merseyside
    I’m sorry you’re struggling so much @emags. You are so amazing juggling uni & your family.
    l’m over 50 & lost my Dad 3 years ago but I clearly remember the horrific experience of watching him change & vanish before my eyes.

    I wish you strength to get through this & please come & talk to us whenever you need us.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,094
    Kent
    Hello @emags

    There are quite a few children of young-onset people with dementia and I do hope they read your post and offer support.

    Perhaps it is even more difficult when you are living away from home and are unable to chat to your mum on the phone. I was 29 when my father died and I do remember friends asking how he was, just as a courtesy but with little understanding.

    Now I`m older I realise neither the old or the young can appreciate the devastation of dementia unless they have personal experience of it.

    I hope you and your dad can support each other. I`m sure he will be feeling as devastated as you are.
     
  6. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Volunteer Host

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,606
    Nottinghamshire
    I was in my forties when I had to support my dad through looking after mum with advanced dementia. Mum was only in her mid seventies but I'm guessing your mum is younger than that. I remember some of the feelings you describe and also my sorrow that she would never live to see her grandchildren, who she loved very much, grow up and would never see her great grandchildren as her mother had before her.
    I understand that feeling of a life being stolen and I felt bitter that my mum was taken from me in my forties whereas she had hers till her sixties...I can imagine how much more devastating it is for you at 22 and for your dad.

    When I was 22 my fiance disappeared so I do understand what it's like to suddenly be faced with a different future and how much worse it is to be that age and just want a normal happy Christmas and a happy life like everyone else when all you can see is the pain of the situation you're in.

    There are younger people on here for you to talk to but we all understand your pain even though our situations are different.

    You will survive this. We all find a way through eventually.
     
  7. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,133
    Female
    Dundee
    I’m a lot older than you and have lost both my mum and my husband to dementia. I know you want to connect with younger people but I just wanted to wish you strength. I won’t say I understand how you must feel but I do understand your need to connect. I’m glad you shared your feelings here. Wishing you the best Christmas possible.
     
  8. annielou

    annielou Registered User

    Sep 27, 2019
    382
    @emags I'm so sorry things are so hard for you. X
    I'm 47 and my mum has Alzheimers and I miss her being my mum terribly. I always asked her opinion on things and we did lots together and I miss that. We always talked a lot but now I struggle to talk to her as she gets mixed up and can't follow the conversation and usually interupts me to ask some random question. She's really not intetested in me unless it affects my looking after her and as I'm staying with her to look after her I don't have a lot to talk to her about anyway.
    It's like someone has stolen mum and left her body behind with someone else in it.
    I find it hard at my age so for you at 22 it must be even more heartbreaking. You should be coming home from uni telling your parents about your course, your friends etc and asking for advice on where to go next, instead you're worrying and supporting your mum and dad and grieving for what you're losing. It must be so very hard and I wish you lots of love and strength to carry on X
     
  9. Abbey82

    Abbey82 Registered User

    Jun 12, 2018
    66
    Hi @emags , I can understand where you are coming from, My Dad was diagnosed last year at age 59 and i was 35. Theres been something going on for at least 4 years, but my Dad has had real rapid progression so its been really tough. If you ever want too chat, i always have an ear ready x
     
  10. Ruth1974

    Ruth1974 Registered User

    Dec 26, 2018
    56
    My mum had a cerebral aneurism when i was 8 and was severely disabled by it, my dad was an alcoholic. Yes, weird Christmasses. I knnow. Christmas is the time when everything comes into sharp focus.

    B

     
  11. Splashing About

    Splashing About Registered User

    Oct 20, 2019
    348
    You’re grieving your mum but other people don’t recognise your loss. Worse than that because she’s gone but not passed you’re trapped in a stage of grief without being able to move forwards. Your age means even fewer of your friends understand than the rest of us who are a bit older. It’s horrible and isolating. Do you talk to them or find it too hard to explain?
     
  12. Ruth1974

    Ruth1974 Registered User

    Dec 26, 2018
    56
    Sorry, i pressed reply too soon. Not having a mum is something that hits you at different times in your life and each time has its own grieving process. Having a baby without your mum is hard.

    So, there are two strands to this, managing Christmas without being able to have Christmas, and grieving your mum.

    Lets deal with Christmas. Go home, remember some family traditions, the things that felt safe when you were little and nurture them. If they make you cry thats ok, you have every right to, but you have to look after 22 year old you and the 6 year old you who came down on christmas morning to see if santa had come. Look after that little girl, she wont find this easy .

    Massive hugs x
     
  13. Locket Love

    Locket Love Registered User

    Sep 17, 2019
    13
    I'm so sorry to read your post. My Mum is in the final stages of this dreadful illness. She's 70 and I'm 39. I try and think what would my Mum want me to do. She'd want me to get on with my life. I appreciate this is a hard thing to say. Your Mum must be incredibly proud of you. Just do your best. That's all you can do. We all feel guilty. I'm 150 miles away so my sister has to pick up the slack. I have just been to visit Mum today. It's so depressing but important that I see her. She has no idea that I'm there. Don't beat yourself up. We have no idea why this awful disease chooses our mothers, father's etc. Big hugs xx
     
  14. KeddyL

    KeddyL Registered User

    Jun 8, 2014
    23
    Hello @emags

    I'm so sorry to read your post but I didnt want to read and not message.

    I understand. I really do understand.

    I was 17 when my mum got dementia. She was 47. Fast forward 10 years, she died a year ago tomorrow aged 57 of advanced alzheimers. She hadnt spoken for many years, i lived a few hours away and mourned her every day even when she was here. I miss family life as you explained. I paniced that she wouldnt be alive to see me get married or have children. I was thrilled when i fell pregnant. Unfortuntely she missed the birth of my daughter by 4 weeks.

    Please send me a message if ever you would like to talk. I check my messages most days and will always reply back to you. I really do get it.

    Good luck with your masters. You sound like you're doing great.

    All my love, Laura xx
     
  15. gdustbrook

    gdustbrook New member

    Jan 6, 2020
    1
    Just recently joined this forum, suppose I'm reaching out for people in your/our situation @emags

    I'm 26 and my Dad was diagnosed 5 years ago just as I finished university. He's now in full time care and I live away from home. I'm coping relatively well but my mum is not, she's very depressed and addicted to alcohol. Its hard to parent both your parents in your mid twenties.
    I get the point about wanted to be cared for especially!

    happy to chat
    GL
     
  16. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    8,511
    leicester
    Hello @gdustbrook welcome to DTP
    I hope you can find support from carers your age who personally know all the difficulties to be faced.
    I hope now you have found the forum you will continue to post
     

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