Looking for some words of wisdom

[MJD66]

Hi all. I’m new to this forum and I have a mum with mixed dementia, Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. My mum has been living in a care home since early 2021 after she broke her hip in Jan 21. Social services moved her there after she was discharged as they were not happy for her to go back to her sheltered accommodation. She’s had an assessment while she was in there, which led to the diagnosis.

I visit my mum a couple of times a week as I work full time, and my aunt and her husband visit too. The last three times I have visited my mum she has been very unkind and spiteful to me. She says that I am a bully, that I’m spiteful, that’s it’s all about me (I didn’t have the colour nail varnish she wanted). I always do her nails every week and her hair. I take in the things she likes but finds fault with everything I do. She’s very negative and doesn’t have anything good to say about the home, the staff or the food. She hasn’t always been like this, and it’s got worse the last few months. I try and stay positive and upbeat, but when I got in the car this week I cried, which I very rarely do. I do realize that it is the disease and not her but it’s very hurtful.

My brother and sister live in Devon, 200 miles away and aren’t able to visit regularly - once or twice a year. They don’t understand how wearing it is.

I’m after some advice as to whether I can tell her that she’s hurting my feelings? And whether I should leave if she starts being unkind? I absolutely dread going to see her and I have to brace myself before I go in. The staff often tell me that she was really looking forward to seeing me before I came in, as they’ve overheard our conversation and heard her being unkind and negative.

My son says that I should visit every other week to give myself a break, but I feel guilty, because nobody else apart from my aunt visits her. When my aunt, who is her younger sister goes in, she is really nice to her, and seems to enjoy her visits. My mum was talking about my brother this week, saying what a wonderful son he is, bearing in mind he doesn’t going in very often. I feel very unappreciated, as I’ve had to take her to four medical appointments in the last couple of months and had to take time off work to do that.

Sorry about the moan. I know there are other people on here who have it a lot harder.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @MJD66 Welcome

It is said many people with dementia hurt the person closest to them and it seems to be true in too many cases.

It might be a good idea to spread your visits , you can only try.

When my husband was particularly nasty to me I told him firmly I did not deserve to be spoken to like that and if he continued I would leave. It worked for me. It might work for you.

If you don’t have the colour of nail varnish your mother likes, put the bottle away and don’t do her nails.

It will be trial and error and I hope your mother will soon be able to appreciate you. I know how upsetting it is

 

[silkiest]

Hello and welcome @MJD66 , I agree it is extremely wearing and sometimes you have to think about yourself. I've found that over the years my family members with Alzheimer's get fixations including "you're nasty', "you never visit" etc and the only way then is to try and avoid the situation as much as possible until the next fixation comes along. I would definitely give yourself a break, maybe stay away for a couple of weeks and allow yourself to recuperate and allow your mums anger to settle and maybe fix onto someone or something else.
I have reduced my visits to dad to weekly recently which feels like forever and I feel guilty but also a whole lot less stressed. Good luck

 

[MJD66]

Thank you both for your words. Navigating this awful disease is very hard as it constantly changes. I think I’m trying too hard to make her happy, which I realize I can’t do. I feel guilty about her being in the home but know she is safe and despite what she says well cared for.

 

[canary]

Im afraid that it is in the nature of dementia for them to decide that one person (usually their main carer) is being nasty to them and they can be really horrible to them. Another person - usually a family member who doesnt visit - frequently becomes the "golden child" who can do no wrong. My brother was the "golden child" and she used to hold him up to me as this wonderful person and tell me all about the things he had done for her. This was particularly galling as he never visited her at all and all the things that she told me about were things that I had done for her.

Its also common for them to say how much they hate the care home, that the food is horrid, that no-one takes any notice of them etc etc even though the rest of the time they are happy.

There is no point in confronting her, or telling her how you feel, because dementia will have taken away her ability to see things from your point of view and she will also be certain that what she says (while she is saying it) is the truth.
Never feel guilty about not doing things - she is being well looked after in her home. If you need a break, then take a break. You might want to pretend you are on holiday and not visit for a couple of weeks, but instead send some picture postcards with a simple message saying that you love her and will see her again soon.