Looking for new care home and already feeling despondent...
- Thread starter looviloo
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Yes, progress at last (fingers crossed). The process has baffled me, and probably varies between areas, but hopefully the explanation will be useful to others in similar situations.
Frustrating that your OH got the ball rolling when it should have started rolling for you but glad it has. Fingers crossed for a bed soon in the home of your choice. No you aren't being fussy...as I did having dismissed many and a couple dismissing dad 
you want a home that will meet your dad's current and future needs so he will not have to be moved.
you want a home that will meet your dad's current and future needs so he will not have to be moved.Frustrating that your OH got the ball rolling when it should have started rolling for you but glad it has. Fingers crossed for a bed soon in the home of your choice. No you aren't being fussy...as I did having dismissed many and a couple dismissing dad
Thank you
. I've learned through all this that it's worth sticking to your guns. I'm very grateful to my OH, who saw what a state I was in after yesterday's meeting, but he also knows that I'm very irritated by adult social care not listening or responding in the same way to ME! I don't know why they didn't... perhaps I'm too emotional, or haven't made myself clear enough, not loud enough, or maybe (and I hate to even think it) because I'm a woman?! OH thinks it was just having a different voice on the end of the phone that made them take notice, and perhaps he's right.
I hope it fells that, at long last, you are getting somewhere. What an unbelievably stressful time you have been having but now the ball is rolling I hope you can feel a lighter load on your shoulders. It doesn’t help that layperson does not know or made aware of the system and how it should work. We are left to flounder on our own, wondering just what it is that we should or could be doing. You have done a remarkable job in sticking to what you believe in and sticking up for your dad. Here’s hoping he’s soon settled in the home of your choice.
Please do consider a live in carer. There are many out there, agency or self employed who can give your dad the best care in the comfort of his own home.Thanks everyone for your comments, don't know what I'd do without your support. I'll stick to my plan of checking out the CQC reports and letting them guide me - it's a good tip to look back at previous reports too and something I've been trying to do. I've noticed that we have a higher than average proportion of homes that 'require improvement' (or worse) in our area, and even the ones rated 'good' vary wildly in my experience...
Yesterday I visited three residential/high-dependency care homes.
The first was appalling imo, despite a 'good' rating. A care worker (who'd been smoking outside) unlocked the door for me then wandered off without saying anything. I signed in, and looked around to talk to someone... all carers (maybe 2 or 3) were busy... really busy... and there were no admin staff. I walked further in, saw the lounge & dining room. No one approached me. The place reeked of urine (and it wasn't just my sensitive nose this time). So I spun around, signed out, and left. I want to report it because this must surely be a major safety issue, but cannot for the life of me find the local authority adult services info (the web page is down for maintenance) and the CQC report page isn't helpful. I might need to ring them, but will sort it out later.
The second was better, staff more organised, large if ramshackled old building. Residents all resting after lunch. Didn't see many staff, and the carer who took me round was polite but joyless. In fact the whole place could be described as dour. Maybe this is one place that would benefit from another visit, maybe in a morning. Another concern is, there didn't seem to be any other visitors?
Third place was lovely, much like the home that dad currently lives in. Smallish, homely, care staff bustling around. Another visitor arrived at the same time and couldn't praise it enough. One resident was handing out boiled sweets (eek! choking hazard for dad!), all seemed happy. But I don't think they'd be able to meet dad's needs, so have reluctantly crossed them out.
I've seen nearly a dozen homes now and there's only one I'd entertain the idea of dad moving to. I've got another two in mind to visit today. Please wish me luck
Thank you... it is a weight lifted, at least for a little while. We all deal with stress in different ways, I think, and just lately I've found it more difficult. The system is just too complicated for most people and I'm not convinced it needs to be that way!
Too late for dad, I'm afraid. I did try to introduce carers coming into his home when he still lived there, but he flatly refused and would only have family members. We struggled for years until it became too much, and then the inevitable crisis happened
. Thankfully we found a lovely care home, but he has deteriorated and they can't keep him safe any longer. I appreciate the suggestion though and wish it had been possible...Just back from my first visit to a prospective care home. It was a great visit and a fine place with excellent reports and recommendations. But I was still in tears within minutes of arriving at the enormity of passing my mum over after more than five years by her side every hour of every day. I am overwhelmed by guilt and sorrow and back thinking Inshould just keep on going it alone as best I can even though I am in bits almost every day.
Khashoggi, I can feel your pain... it’s such a difficult time. When I was looking for dad’s first care home, I was in bits when I found “the one” and the manager fed me biscuits and cups of tea to help me calm down. So difficult to separate the emotion from the situation. Maybe you just need a bit of time, to sleep on what you’ve seen today. It does sound very promising from how you’ve described it so that’s a good thing. I can also reassure you that the caring doesn’t stop when your loved one moves into a care home - I’m still very involved in dad’s care and see him regularly. Best wishes x
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Hi
My mum is now in a care home and although there are some things that drive me nuts ( she often has someone elses cardigan on inspite of being asked to label clothes) she is well cared for and i suppose the true test is that she has never expressed a wish to leave.
I liked that the home was bright and airy, didn't smell, had a good QCC rating, calm and kind staff and as well as visits by the care home managers dog, the home had lots of activities going on but i have to say that it was a question my son asked when we visited that swung it for us...my mum does not go to bed at night and when my son asked what the care home's response to this would be they replied that she would not be forced into bed but gently encouraged and then if this didn't work she would be free to wonder about in the communal areas if she so wished....to my mind the perfect reply.
I often visit in the afternoon and my mum is asleep sometimes at the table but knowing that she doesnt sleep at night i don't jump to the conclusion that she is bored and that the care home should be doing more . Often the activities are in the morning anyhow.
I was once present when someone had fallen and was quiet badly hurt . The staff dealt with this in a calm reassuring manner, not only dealing with the injured person on the floor but the other residents and the visitors ! i was very impressed. I know that the care home that my mum is in use a lot of air freshners.
I would suggest a return visit to the home where you liked the staff as it could be that the smell of wee has now gone.
Putting my mum into a care home was one of the worst things that i have ever had to do but it was also the most sensible thing both for her well-being and my own. Good luck
My mum is now in a care home and although there are some things that drive me nuts ( she often has someone elses cardigan on inspite of being asked to label clothes) she is well cared for and i suppose the true test is that she has never expressed a wish to leave.
I liked that the home was bright and airy, didn't smell, had a good QCC rating, calm and kind staff and as well as visits by the care home managers dog, the home had lots of activities going on but i have to say that it was a question my son asked when we visited that swung it for us...my mum does not go to bed at night and when my son asked what the care home's response to this would be they replied that she would not be forced into bed but gently encouraged and then if this didn't work she would be free to wonder about in the communal areas if she so wished....to my mind the perfect reply.
I often visit in the afternoon and my mum is asleep sometimes at the table but knowing that she doesnt sleep at night i don't jump to the conclusion that she is bored and that the care home should be doing more . Often the activities are in the morning anyhow.
I was once present when someone had fallen and was quiet badly hurt . The staff dealt with this in a calm reassuring manner, not only dealing with the injured person on the floor but the other residents and the visitors ! i was very impressed. I know that the care home that my mum is in use a lot of air freshners.
I would suggest a return visit to the home where you liked the staff as it could be that the smell of wee has now gone.
Putting my mum into a care home was one of the worst things that i have ever had to do but it was also the most sensible thing both for her well-being and my own. Good luck
I apologise in advance for any offence that my post may cause. I am fully cognescent of the hardship and compromises many of you have made in order to balance your lives with determining the most viable and acceptable care packages for your loved ones.
However, there is a stark reality that anyone who is seeking a care package must realise. There is no current ratio of care staff to service user within adult social care, although there are currently groups campaigning for a 1:5 rational all times.
The reality, however unrealistic or unpalatable it may sound is that all service users have good and bad days and require differing levels of care dependent on a variety of factors. When a service user is having difficulty, the requirement is 1:1. It is that simple. Of course, this is both unprofitable for a private provider and impractical for a council-subsidised service.
The answer..? Unpopular in our increasingly fragmented and individualistic society: families take on the responsibility for their loved ones, the State steps into provide for those with no family.
I have experience from both sides of this equation and this is the only viable solution.
However, there is a stark reality that anyone who is seeking a care package must realise. There is no current ratio of care staff to service user within adult social care, although there are currently groups campaigning for a 1:5 rational all times.
The reality, however unrealistic or unpalatable it may sound is that all service users have good and bad days and require differing levels of care dependent on a variety of factors. When a service user is having difficulty, the requirement is 1:1. It is that simple. Of course, this is both unprofitable for a private provider and impractical for a council-subsidised service.
The answer..? Unpopular in our increasingly fragmented and individualistic society: families take on the responsibility for their loved ones, the State steps into provide for those with no family.
I have experience from both sides of this equation and this is the only viable solution.
Hello @Krakow and welcome to Talking Point
Your post has not offended me, just saddened me because I know that most people with dementia get to the stage where it is far, far too much for one person to care for them 24/7, 365 days a year. Some people are able to be looked after at home right to the end, but most are not. There are very few people who opt for a care home if they are at all able to continue care; in fact most people leave it far too late until they have reached carers breakdown, or there is a crisis. I think we all tell ourselves that we will continue caring until the end, come what may, but it very seldom works out that way. Just a cursory reading of the threads on here will show you what many many people have to put up with.
Your post has not offended me, just saddened me because I know that most people with dementia get to the stage where it is far, far too much for one person to care for them 24/7, 365 days a year. Some people are able to be looked after at home right to the end, but most are not. There are very few people who opt for a care home if they are at all able to continue care; in fact most people leave it far too late until they have reached carers breakdown, or there is a crisis. I think we all tell ourselves that we will continue caring until the end, come what may, but it very seldom works out that way. Just a cursory reading of the threads on here will show you what many many people have to put up with.
@Krakow as one who very reluctantly reached the stage of dad needing a NH I am not offended. However..like many on TP...I was adamant to my friends that it would never be an option. There are so many example threads on TP where continuing to care for a PWD becomes impossible for so many different reasons so I feel you are being too simplistic and without regard to individual circumstances that may have led to such a decision ...it eventually takes its toll on all of us who have done it 24/7 and if you take just one example of severe physically aggressive challenging behaviour from a pwd to their primary carer usually a partner or son/daughter...are you really suggesting that should be tolerated because the system is flawed and under funded? A carer still continues with their responsibilities and is fully involved in their loved one's care through visiting and attending to every need...the caring role is still there just different if they are in a care home. Most of us are bereft and distraught at the realisation that a dementia care home is the last resort in getting the expertise and round the clock care they need and sometimes in addition to the pwd as in my family another family member had a serious illness and needed caring for at the same time.
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Hi Pinkstuff, I'm glad to hear you've found the right home for your mum... it's such a difficult step and finding the right place is very important for everyone involved. I've tried to keep an open mind. Reality is that homes vary SO much, and the place he currently lives in takes excellent care of him. It's such a shame he has to move, but such is life...
I'm hopeful it'll all work out for the best xNo offence taken, and I do understand where you are coming from. In an ideal world your suggestion would be a solution. And in times gone past it was the case that families would live closer together and more often than not take care of their own parents/relatives/loved ones. Even my mum did just this, looking after both her parents for many years. But they didn't have dementia, and died at an earlier age. My mum was in her 30s. I'm saying this because I'm considerably older *cough* and have health problems that prevent me for doing the same even if I had the energy. That's not an excuse, just a reality. I did my absolute best to keep dad at home for as long as possible, running to and fro for 10 years, before we made the decision for him to move into his (very lovely) care home. It really matters to me where he is and how he's being looked after, but it matters to me more that I stay healthy for my own family, my daughter, and my sanity too.
This is just my experience, and there are many more like me on this forum.
It's my view that some of the current issues have been brought about by the wonderful healthcare we now receive... because many more people are living longer than could have been imagined, and many of them developing dementia. My dad had heart problems in his 70s, and underwent a triple bypass and replacement heart valve. It was a small miracle that improved his quality of life and saved him from an almost certain fatal heart attack. He was told at the time that his risk of strokes would be increased because of the drugs he was given as part of the treatment, and sure enough, 15 years later, he now has vascular dementia. His latest heart scan was perfect. His heart is healthy. But he can no longer function on any level. It breaks my own heart.
I don't know what the answer is, but it seems foolish to me for us all to benefit so hugely from medical progress (myself included) but not plan to care for our aging society. Plus, as our parents get older, so do we. Should we now rely on grandchildren to care for their grandparents, because they are still young and fit enough?
Returning to the point about care homes and staff ratios, it astonishes me that the regulations aren't stricter. Maybe one solution is to take profit from the equation. If all care homes were not-for-profit then perhaps the emphasis could be on the care and not on the money. A society based system, where we look after our elderly, provide jobs, and have the necessary standards of care applied across the whole system. Or maybe I'm just chasing rainbows!!!
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@Krakow this is far too simplistic and takes no account of individual circumstances. My MIL has recently gone into a care home after having carers in her own home for 3 years . Way before the dementia diagnosis my husband and I and his sister decided we would not be hands on carers under any circumstances. Both my husband and his sister were emotionally abused growing up by MIL. She was widowed very young and developed a personality disorder along with other mental health issues. She is a nasty controlling verbally abusing person who has now developed dementia. Her daughter moved abroad many years ago and in fact hasn't even acknowledged the move to a care home.
Hubbie and I took on roles of attorneys and sorted out her finances etc and made sure she was safe because that is the moral and humane thing to do. But I would never describe her as a loved one after being on the end of her abuse and spite for 30 years.
As for the state dealing with the PWD I have no children. I have set up POA and other strategies in place should something like dementia rear its ugly head . I would be self funding so under the current system the state won't help.
Well, just like buses, a couple of care home rooms have come along at once. Unfortunately not at my preferred home, but I'm open to pretty much anything now! Dad is due to have an assessment today for one home, another home has a room available, but the home I'd actually prefer has no vacancies at the moment although they are carrying out an assessment on Friday anyway. So what to do? I'd prefer to wait till Friday but the others might be gone. It's one day at a time at the moment *deep breathes*.
Something else has happened --- dad's psychiatrist reviewed him a couple of weeks ago and wrote a comprehensive explanation of where dad is, in terms of his dementia, and expressed her own view of his needs etc. She sent it to dad's GP, care home, myself and social services in an effort to push things along. It's clear from the letter that dad's needs are quite complicated and that he needs dementia care, and that there is a risk of him becoming more aggressive in the near future (he's already displaying some aggressive actions).
So... fingers crossed we can get closer to a move this time.
One question --- how common is it for care homes to cherry pick their residents? I have reasons to think that the home recommended by social services is doing just that :-/.
Something else has happened --- dad's psychiatrist reviewed him a couple of weeks ago and wrote a comprehensive explanation of where dad is, in terms of his dementia, and expressed her own view of his needs etc. She sent it to dad's GP, care home, myself and social services in an effort to push things along. It's clear from the letter that dad's needs are quite complicated and that he needs dementia care, and that there is a risk of him becoming more aggressive in the near future (he's already displaying some aggressive actions).
So... fingers crossed we can get closer to a move this time.
One question --- how common is it for care homes to cherry pick their residents? I have reasons to think that the home recommended by social services is doing just that :-/.
That is good news, great that things are moving along.
I imagine cherrypicking is fairly common to some extent or other. A care home will want to be confident they can meet the PWD's needs and that they will fit in with the other residents. Some care homes are very intolerant and others much more able to absorb different types of needs. One care home manager told he had to ask a resident to leave because he paced in the evenings - typical dementia behaviour, not exactly challenging! My mother's care home is much more accommodating and has residents from fairly early stage to end stage.
Are you happy with the two care homes which have beds available? I know it is difficult when you've seen one you prefer, but nowhere will be perfect and even your first choice may have some downsides you aren't yet aware of.
I imagine cherrypicking is fairly common to some extent or other. A care home will want to be confident they can meet the PWD's needs and that they will fit in with the other residents. Some care homes are very intolerant and others much more able to absorb different types of needs. One care home manager told he had to ask a resident to leave because he paced in the evenings - typical dementia behaviour, not exactly challenging! My mother's care home is much more accommodating and has residents from fairly early stage to end stage.
Are you happy with the two care homes which have beds available? I know it is difficult when you've seen one you prefer, but nowhere will be perfect and even your first choice may have some downsides you aren't yet aware of.
Thanks Sirena
... you are right of course, that the care home has to be sure it can meet the needs of the resident. I have the feeling with some homes it goes a little beyond that, and while they 'advertise' care for certain levels of dementia, in reality they are choosing those residents with the lowest needs within that category. Because beds seem to be so scarce around here, I think it has become more prevalent.Having said that, dad's assessment went ok yesterday. I wasn't there (advised not to, because he blames me for everything!) but his present care home manager was impressed and I respect her opinion. I do still have reservations about the home that did the assessment, but as you say it's all swings and roundabouts, so I'm hoping they ring me this morning and will go and take another look. Fingers crossed! It's been a long road!
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Thanks Sirena
Yes I agree - the CH who wouldn't tolerate pacing was supposedly a specialist dementia home but the residents all looked very docile, I got the idea they were expected to behave nicely. It was an odd place - it was supposedly secure but the manager said he didn't hide the keypad code from residents because if they could operate the keypad they would cope outside. He then said one of the residents got on a train and ended up in Birmingham... so many reasons not to choose that one!! - Anyway, sorry for the digression.
If the care home offers a place, good luck with the revisit, it should give you a firmer impression of how you feel about your dad going there. I take it that this care home doesn't (at least) smell of wee!
