Looking for a bit of support...please

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Ginny Gin, Dec 2, 2019 at 1:16 PM.

  1. Ginny Gin

    Ginny Gin New member

    Monday
    1
    Helloooo, ok so I'm giving this a go! Here goes...I've been supporting my aged mother for some now, and I've has good even great days with her, but today I am feeling the strain and the GP recommended this organisation.

    I'm used to mother's mood changes but I'm struggling with trying to explain things to my siblings who don't see the whole picture. It's causing friction and I feel like I have to defend myself as I am challenged by them, I'm exhausted. I want to move far far away from it all. Super miserable day.
     
  2. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    6,093
    Male
    Bristol
    Hullo and welcome to the forum @Ginny Gin. It was good of your GP to send you here, as you will find support and advice from others who are going through similar battles. Those great days are well worth remembering though, so hold on to them. Sadly, family member rarely understand until they have seen it for themselves, and my partner's daughter had no idea what was happening until I told I couldn't make a lunch date because I had counselling.
    Have you had a carers assessment and a care needs assessment ? Social Services should provide both and give you help with your caring role and options to help your mother. Day centre and a sitting / befriending service have been a lifeline for us, and even just getting in outside carers to help with personal care takes some of the strain away.
     
  3. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,284
    Nottinghamshire
    Welcome from me too@Ginny Gin.

    I’m sorry to read you’re having a miserable day. I certainly know what that’s like. I gave up trying to explain anything to my siblings as they either thought I was lying or exaggerating! I found that once I’d accepted that they wouldn’t understand the situation and mostly wouldn’t help unless it suited them I was happier.

    Good advice from @nae sporran - it certainly helps to get as much help and support as possible. This isn’t a journey anyone should attempt solo!

    Finding this forum was a turning point for me as the support and advice I’ve had here over the years helped me get to the end of dad’s dementia journey with my sanity relatively intact. I hope it helps you too!
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,773
    Female
    South coast
    Unfortunately it is very common for this to happen. Family (unless they live with it 24/7) do not see the whole picture and frequently think we are exaggerating. Im not sure what the answer is, but certainly it often comes as a nasty shock to them when they are suddenly faced with reality
     
  5. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,861
    Female
    is there any chance of getting another member of the family to look after your mum on their own for a couple of days? That may enlighten them as to what you are dealing with, and there will then be two of you to 'explain' things to the others.
     
  6. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,637
    Sometimes siblings just don't want to see the problem. If they can't see it then they don't have to worry about or do anything about it. Sorry that's not much help but it was my experience.

    Yes, this is a good place to come to, you can have a real good moan if you want and everyone is friendly. Don't think I would have lasted this long without help from here.
     
  7. Astrantia

    Astrantia New member

    Apr 15, 2019
    1
    Hello @Ginny Gin, I do empathise with you; trying to get a sibling to help, support or just listen...let alone understand how difficult things can be for their parent/the sibling doing the caring is just that - exhausting. As sole carer all this year for elderly mother, another miserable, tearful day (they sure do come & go) for me today. Toxic brother (as he's become) sends me text after I'd left him message to say mum had fallen/was in casualty, as follows: 'I was going to come up....' (to see mum) '....but A&E say she's been discharged.' ! Poor excuse. He's simply seems unconcerned and is oblivious to new underlying medical issues that likely contributed to mum's fall. He's seen her for 10 days this year and if he can't make the effort, for my sanity, I'm having to curtail most communications with him.

    Over past 11 months, I've come to appreciate the fact that siblings may have different values, attitudes to money, opinions about outside help - and having grasped this point, it does sort of help. I read that this type of sibling is referred to as a ‘helicopters’ (swoops in, causes havoc, takes off) or an ‘invisible’ (notable for their absence). I chuckle at this - oh boy, to laugh feels so good....hope you managed a smile at that.

    Could it be that your siblings truly don’t get the scale of your commitment? It was suggested to me that the key is to avoid telling your sibling/s what they aren’t doing, and instead tell them what you are doing. I keep a care diary, writing down everything I do/every expense I incur (including financial/pension loss, having given up my career) - albeit this attempt to get brotherly support/help, wasn't successful. Sadly, sometimes siblings just don't want to see the problem. If they can't see it then they don't have to worry about or do anything about it.
    Take care.
     
  8. Splashing About

    Splashing About Registered User

    Oct 20, 2019
    180
    I’m glad you’ve joined the forum but sorry for the reason. I agree wholeheartedly with the observation that other family members can be very unsupportive because they either choose or don’t see what is happening. It’s utterly grim at times and you just need non judgemental support. You’ll get that here
     
  9. MCDad1941

    MCDad1941 New member

    Monday
    1
    Hi “nae sporran” (great name btw), it’s my first time on here and I suppose in a very heart heavy way, i am someone who lives far away from my parents, where my Mum is startling* to struggle to cope with my Dad. Dad has Parkinson’s (12 years) and now dementia(3 years), not Parkinson’s related. I’m married with 3 kids and work full time, so whilst I speak every day and FaceTime most evenings I can see that life is getting tougher for my mum. My sister and I share the load by attending each and every appt between us and going up(it’s about 3hours drive for both of us) at least once a month. BUT I can see it’s not enough. I’m more worried about my mum than my Dad as she is experiencing the mental stress of the strange situations first hand - Dad tried to “go home” to his wife the other night; what help is the out there for her as I think she needs some time on her own? Thanks in advance!
     
  10. Splashing About

    Splashing About Registered User

    Oct 20, 2019
    180
    @McDad I wish there was a single sentence that gave that answer...”what help is out there”
    Keep posting and reading because it’s a jigsaw puzzle of what is in your area, what suits your personal situation and how to accept it when there are no answers. Lots of good ideas and experiences on this forum
     
  11. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    6,093
    Male
    Bristol
    Welcome to the forums too, @MCDad1941. Sorry your dad has been struggling for so long and it is getting to your mum now. Ask your mum to contact her local council adult social services and ask for a carers assessment and a care needs assessment. It probably varies from place to place, but my OH goes to a day centre one day a week for 4 hours and has a lady from a care agency in for 3 hours one day a week. We tried to get her into a second day centre, but she wouldn't go. They also provided extra care at home so I could get away for 3 days 3 times this year and twice last year.
    If you enter your parents postcode to the search engine at http://carers.org for carers groups and the one at http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20011/find_support_near_you you should hopefully find out what is available locally, but worth speaking to Social Services too.
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
  13. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,399
    Essex
    Welcome Ginny!

    Try looking at some of my threads to see what I've had to put up with! First of all I don't know whether you have POA of Attorney but I hope you are the attorney. In my experience I told my siblings what was going on but I learnt not to rely on them. That said they did do some caring when I went on holiday and a few times when I went out. Try to get carers in and think about daycentres and lastly when if your mum needs residential care expect to show interest in finances. You might like to do as Bunpoots suggest and ask a family member to sit for your mum or the next time they visit try leaving her with them for a while and pretend you forgot to do a bit of shopping then come back after an hour or preferably two and find out what happened.

    MaNaAk
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.