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Looking for a bit of support...please

Ginny Gin

Registered User
Dec 2, 2019
10
Helloooo, ok so I'm giving this a go! Here goes...I've been supporting my aged mother for some now, and I've has good even great days with her, but today I am feeling the strain and the GP recommended this organisation.

I'm used to mother's mood changes but I'm struggling with trying to explain things to my siblings who don't see the whole picture. It's causing friction and I feel like I have to defend myself as I am challenged by them, I'm exhausted. I want to move far far away from it all. Super miserable day.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,998
Bristol
Hullo and welcome to the forum @Ginny Gin. It was good of your GP to send you here, as you will find support and advice from others who are going through similar battles. Those great days are well worth remembering though, so hold on to them. Sadly, family member rarely understand until they have seen it for themselves, and my partner's daughter had no idea what was happening until I told I couldn't make a lunch date because I had counselling.
Have you had a carers assessment and a care needs assessment ? Social Services should provide both and give you help with your caring role and options to help your mother. Day centre and a sitting / befriending service have been a lifeline for us, and even just getting in outside carers to help with personal care takes some of the strain away.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,609
Nottinghamshire
Welcome from me too@Ginny Gin.

I’m sorry to read you’re having a miserable day. I certainly know what that’s like. I gave up trying to explain anything to my siblings as they either thought I was lying or exaggerating! I found that once I’d accepted that they wouldn’t understand the situation and mostly wouldn’t help unless it suited them I was happier.

Good advice from @nae sporran - it certainly helps to get as much help and support as possible. This isn’t a journey anyone should attempt solo!

Finding this forum was a turning point for me as the support and advice I’ve had here over the years helped me get to the end of dad’s dementia journey with my sanity relatively intact. I hope it helps you too!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,907
South coast
Unfortunately it is very common for this to happen. Family (unless they live with it 24/7) do not see the whole picture and frequently think we are exaggerating. Im not sure what the answer is, but certainly it often comes as a nasty shock to them when they are suddenly faced with reality
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,240
is there any chance of getting another member of the family to look after your mum on their own for a couple of days? That may enlighten them as to what you are dealing with, and there will then be two of you to 'explain' things to the others.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,940
Sometimes siblings just don't want to see the problem. If they can't see it then they don't have to worry about or do anything about it. Sorry that's not much help but it was my experience.

Yes, this is a good place to come to, you can have a real good moan if you want and everyone is friendly. Don't think I would have lasted this long without help from here.
 

Astrantia

New member
Apr 15, 2019
2
Hello @Ginny Gin, I do empathise with you; trying to get a sibling to help, support or just listen...let alone understand how difficult things can be for their parent/the sibling doing the caring is just that - exhausting. As sole carer all this year for elderly mother, another miserable, tearful day (they sure do come & go) for me today. Toxic brother (as he's become) sends me text after I'd left him message to say mum had fallen/was in casualty, as follows: 'I was going to come up....' (to see mum) '....but A&E say she's been discharged.' ! Poor excuse. He's simply seems unconcerned and is oblivious to new underlying medical issues that likely contributed to mum's fall. He's seen her for 10 days this year and if he can't make the effort, for my sanity, I'm having to curtail most communications with him.

Over past 11 months, I've come to appreciate the fact that siblings may have different values, attitudes to money, opinions about outside help - and having grasped this point, it does sort of help. I read that this type of sibling is referred to as a ‘helicopters’ (swoops in, causes havoc, takes off) or an ‘invisible’ (notable for their absence). I chuckle at this - oh boy, to laugh feels so good....hope you managed a smile at that.

Could it be that your siblings truly don’t get the scale of your commitment? It was suggested to me that the key is to avoid telling your sibling/s what they aren’t doing, and instead tell them what you are doing. I keep a care diary, writing down everything I do/every expense I incur (including financial/pension loss, having given up my career) - albeit this attempt to get brotherly support/help, wasn't successful. Sadly, sometimes siblings just don't want to see the problem. If they can't see it then they don't have to worry about or do anything about it.
Take care.
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
434
Helloooo, ok so I'm giving this a go! Here goes...I've been supporting my aged mother for some now, and I've has good even great days with her, but today I am feeling the strain and the GP recommended this organisation.

I'm used to mother's mood changes but I'm struggling with trying to explain things to my siblings who don't see the whole picture. It's causing friction and I feel like I have to defend myself as I am challenged by them, I'm exhausted. I want to move far far away from it all. Super miserable day.
I’m glad you’ve joined the forum but sorry for the reason. I agree wholeheartedly with the observation that other family members can be very unsupportive because they either choose or don’t see what is happening. It’s utterly grim at times and you just need non judgemental support. You’ll get that here
 

MCDad1941

New member
Dec 2, 2019
2
Hullo and welcome to the forum @Ginny Gin. It was good of your GP to send you here, as you will find support and advice from others who are going through similar battles. Those great days are well worth remembering though, so hold on to them. Sadly, family member rarely understand until they have seen it for themselves, and my partner's daughter had no idea what was happening until I told I couldn't make a lunch date because I had counselling.
Have you had a carers assessment and a care needs assessment ? Social Services should provide both and give you help with your caring role and options to help your mother. Day centre and a sitting / befriending service have been a lifeline for us, and even just getting in outside carers to help with personal care takes some of the strain away.
Hi “nae sporran” (great name btw), it’s my first time on here and I suppose in a very heart heavy way, i am someone who lives far away from my parents, where my Mum is startling* to struggle to cope with my Dad. Dad has Parkinson’s (12 years) and now dementia(3 years), not Parkinson’s related. I’m married with 3 kids and work full time, so whilst I speak every day and FaceTime most evenings I can see that life is getting tougher for my mum. My sister and I share the load by attending each and every appt between us and going up(it’s about 3hours drive for both of us) at least once a month. BUT I can see it’s not enough. I’m more worried about my mum than my Dad as she is experiencing the mental stress of the strange situations first hand - Dad tried to “go home” to his wife the other night; what help is the out there for her as I think she needs some time on her own? Thanks in advance!
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
434
@McDad I wish there was a single sentence that gave that answer...”what help is out there”
Keep posting and reading because it’s a jigsaw puzzle of what is in your area, what suits your personal situation and how to accept it when there are no answers. Lots of good ideas and experiences on this forum
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,998
Bristol
Welcome to the forums too, @MCDad1941. Sorry your dad has been struggling for so long and it is getting to your mum now. Ask your mum to contact her local council adult social services and ask for a carers assessment and a care needs assessment. It probably varies from place to place, but my OH goes to a day centre one day a week for 4 hours and has a lady from a care agency in for 3 hours one day a week. We tried to get her into a second day centre, but she wouldn't go. They also provided extra care at home so I could get away for 3 days 3 times this year and twice last year.
If you enter your parents postcode to the search engine at http://carers.org for carers groups and the one at http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20011/find_support_near_you you should hopefully find out what is available locally, but worth speaking to Social Services too.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,277
Essex
Helloooo, ok so I'm giving this a go! Here goes...I've been supporting my aged mother for some now, and I've has good even great days with her, but today I am feeling the strain and the GP recommended this organisation.

I'm used to mother's mood changes but I'm struggling with trying to explain things to my siblings who don't see the whole picture. It's causing friction and I feel like I have to defend myself as I am challenged by them, I'm exhausted. I want to move far far away from it all. Super miserable day.
Welcome Ginny!

Try looking at some of my threads to see what I've had to put up with! First of all I don't know whether you have POA of Attorney but I hope you are the attorney. In my experience I told my siblings what was going on but I learnt not to rely on them. That said they did do some caring when I went on holiday and a few times when I went out. Try to get carers in and think about daycentres and lastly when if your mum needs residential care expect to show interest in finances. You might like to do as Bunpoots suggest and ask a family member to sit for your mum or the next time they visit try leaving her with them for a while and pretend you forgot to do a bit of shopping then come back after an hour or preferably two and find out what happened.

MaNaAk
 

MCDad1941

New member
Dec 2, 2019
2
Thanks so much!! I’m in my way there this weekend, so will be able to talk these things through with my mum!! I hope everything is going well for you too!!
 

Ginny Gin

Registered User
Dec 2, 2019
10
Hullo and welcome to the forum @Ginny Gin. It was good of your GP to send you here, as you will find support and advice from others who are going through similar battles. Those great days are well worth remembering though, so hold on to them. Sadly, family member rarely understand until they have seen it for themselves, and my partner's daughter had no idea what was happening until I told I couldn't make a lunch date because I had counselling.
Have you had a carers assessment and a care needs assessment ? Social Services should provide both and give you help with your caring role and options to help your mother. Day centre and a sitting / befriending service have been a lifeline for us, and even just getting in outside carers to help with personal care takes some of the strain away.
Hi, yep we've gone down various routes at various times, depending on how willing she is being! Glad to know I'm not on my own. Thanks x
 

Ginny Gin

Registered User
Dec 2, 2019
10
Hi, yep we've gone down various routes at various times, depending on how willing she is being! Glad to know I'm not on my own. Thanks x
 

Ginny Gin

Registered User
Dec 2, 2019
10
Welcome Ginny!

Try looking at some of my threads to see what I've had to put up with! First of all I don't know whether you have POA of Attorney but I hope you are the attorney. In my experience I told my siblings what was going on but I learnt not to rely on them. That said they did do some caring when I went on holiday and a few times when I went out. Try to get carers in and think about daycentres and lastly when if your mum needs residential care expect to show interest in finances. You might like to do as Bunpoots suggest and ask a family member to sit for your mum or the next time they visit try leaving her with them for a while and pretend you forgot to do a bit of shopping then come back after an hour or preferably two and find out what happened.

MaNaAk
 

Ginny Gin

Registered User
Dec 2, 2019
10
So good to hear back from so many of you. Yep, same here that I am LPO both sides. Siblings tend to be on the scene when there's a drama. Mum also shows signs of NPD: Narcissist Personality Disorder.
I do I think know her better than she knows herself. It's tough, exhausting and sad as there are days when she does need that support. But when I stick the boundaries of stepping back as she plays the manipulative card with me. She starts phoning around siblings and on occasion stages falls by lying on the floor should they go over!
 

Ginny Gin

Registered User
Dec 2, 2019
10
How do I reply? I just typed up a whole long message for you all, and now I can't find it. Losing the plot, Ginny Gin x