living with the guilt monster after 18 days of care home....

[Lizzie6391]

Thank you for your support, we have had a very stressful visit today, my Dad has slept from 9.30 pm last night till midnight and has been walking continously till we visited at 2.00pm the afternoon and almost collapsed when he saw us, he was talking about coming hone which makes me very uncomfortable he seemed very agitated
He looks awful totally exhausted, I just dont know how he is going to go on like this.
I dont think I can take much more of this its monents like this I think he should come home, I feel guilty we need some help.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thank you for your support, we have had a very stressful visit today, my Dad has slept from 9.30 pm last night till midnight and has been walking continously till we visited at 2.00pm the afternoon and almost collapsed when he saw us, he was talking about coming hone which makes me very uncomfortable he seemed very agitated
He looks awful totally exhausted, I just dont know how he is going to go on like this.
I dont think I can take much more of this its monents like this I think he should come home, I feel guilty we need some help.

This must be very difficult to witness. I looked back at your first post to see your first reason for posting. If you read it again...it will remind you of how bad things had got especially for your mum trying to care for your dad who could be agitated aggressive and a wanderer. Realistically would you want to go back to having that constant worry and your elderly mum having to manage his daily challenges? My dad walked and paced a lot at home and then in his NH and like you i don't know how he kept going and he too looked so tired. 3 weeks is not long in a care home and any adjustment for the pwd does take time for some. My dad took around 4 months to settle to any degree and then it was probably only because his acceptance started to happen because he was declining. Your dad whilst he may not be very happy at the moment is safe and being looked after. The first time a couple of days later after leaving my dad at his NH he greeted me with 'thank goodness you have come back for Me'...I had to trick him to get him there and I knew it was going to be permanent so you can imagine how that made me feel. However I smiled a lot...distracted...said the Dr wanted him to get better by staying here for a while...anything I could think of at the time. I always left my coat and bag in the car so it wasn't a visual trigger or reminder to go anywhere and perhaps that would help to do the same. Dad would say on my early visits...'right you are here let's go'...I either pretended I hadn't heard him or said something like 'yes so let's go and make a cup of tea'. These early weeks of visits are hard and there is no easy answer other than just to try to work through them as best as you can and remind yourself of his need to be looked after

 

[LucyJordan]

My mum moved to a care home on Saturday. She moved a long way. I am her only child. She has no friends anywhere. She has always been a private person. She is sad, bewildered, upset. She keeps packing her things and does not seem to be washing. She keeps the door of her room closed. I respect this although it is difficult.

I know it is only a few days so I am trying to keep calm and trust the lovely staff, and know that she is safe, warm and eating. Just reading this thread has helped with some practical suggestions and relialisation this is all normal.

 

[YorkshireLass]

Thank you for your support, we have had a very stressful visit today, my Dad has slept from 9.30 pm last night till midnight and has been walking continously till we visited at 2.00pm the afternoon and almost collapsed when he saw us, he was talking about coming hone which makes me very uncomfortable he seemed very agitated
He looks awful totally exhausted, I just dont know how he is going to go on like this.
I dont think I can take much more of this its monents like this I think he should come home, I feel guilty we need some help.

It's a roller coaster of emotions and each day seems to present a series of different issues that's for sure. Keep remembering how difficult it had become at home for everyone. I remember visiting mum in the care home in the early days and crying from guilt and frustration at her distress. The lovely staff comforted me as they do my mum. Their words stick in my memory - "you've been caring one shift for 24 hours day after day, we do three shifts to your one and we have days off too. Let us help you manage". Lizzie, I still cry lots, I still have the guilt that mum is not at home either with us or in her own home. It doesn't get easier I just get used to it and if I have a visit when mum says "I'm alright" and she is calm I cherish that moment. xxx

 

[YorkshireLass]

My mum moved to a care home on Saturday. She moved a long way. I am her only child. She has no friends anywhere. She has always been a private person. She is sad, bewildered, upset. She keeps packing her things and does not seem to be washing. She keeps the door of her room closed. I respect this although it is difficult.

I know it is only a few days so I am trying to keep calm and trust the lovely staff, and know that she is safe, warm and eating. Just reading this thread has helped with some practical suggestions and relialisation this is all normal.

There are so many lovely folks looking after our loved ones. Kind and respectful.With never ending patience which I have to admit is something that I all too often didn't have. Take care and keep in touch the forum helps so much. xx

 

[For-my-Dad]

I haven't posted for a while as had yet another hospital stay with dad. It is heartening in some ways to read comments about the shared sadness. I have male siblings who take the view I should "get over it." Someone said earlier in this thread that staff and friends express surprise their parent was in a home. The same is true for dad. He is a smart, youthful looking man who still makes conversation and tries to charm staff and visitors. So people ask me, Agency staff, cleaners etc, why he is in there.This just makes me feel awful. They don't see the back story - the fleeing at night, the constant trying/hoping to find him. The wondering if ,this time, we won't find him alive. I am not sure he will ever settle there and as another poster said, it takes very little for the tears to flow - his and, away from him, mine too

We have all on this thread just done the very best we could. What else is there?

 

[jen54]

I am going through the situation where other visitors think mum is not too bad.
Latest is my sister who has texted me,and told me that now she has seen mum walking with her zimmer quite fast,she "Knows" mum could live on her own if she was in a bungalow or flat,

 

[Pink Megan]

hello @Hilaraki
a warm welcome to TP
I'm glad you feel you can post here, it helps so much to get stuff 'said out loud' and be listened to by folk who do understand as many of us have trodden a similar path
might it help if you think that you are not putting your mum anywhere - what you definitely are doing is helping her to move into a new home where you will continue to be her loving, caring child, just with a team of carers around you who will be on hand all day every day to see to her care needs and support you both
no way are you giving up on caring for your mum
and you need to see to your own health and welfare to be able to care for yourself, your husband and your mum
it's a tough decision to make; you really sound to have reached the point where it is the right decision to make for your mum and for you
keep posting to let us know how you both are

 

[For-my-Dad]

I am going through the situation where other visitors think mum is not too bad.
Latest is my sister who has texted me,and told me that now she has seen mum walking with her zimmer quite fast,she "Knows" mum could live on her own if she was in a bungalow or flat,

It is so galling. I really try to be a positive and loving person but my male siblings are driving me to distraction. Jen 54 - please reflect on all you have done and all the love you have given. See my earlier post on this thread about the questions I ask myself to get through these terrible times.

Tonight I expected drama when I arrived. He was sad but pleased to see me.

One day at a time. Much love to all on here. x

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Pink Megan
and welcome to TP
it looks as though you tried to post on this thread by using 'Reply to member', which always starts the reply with a quote of the post you are responding to, so it can seem that the text box is full

instead, you might try scrolling to the bottom of the thread where there is a large text box with 'Write your reply ...' shown faintly - just type in there, then press the blue 'Post Reply' button at bottom right of the box

hope to hear from you soon

 

[jen54]

It is so galling. I really try to be a positive and loving person but my male siblings are driving me to distraction. Jen 54 - please reflect on all you have done and all the love you have given. See my earlier post on this thread about the questions I ask myself to get through these terrible times.

Tonight I expected drama when I arrived. He was sad but pleased to see me.

One day at a time. Much love to all on here. x

Thanks, so many of us are going through this, it helps to know I am not alone.
I got a call from carehome this morning, mum ok,but had w a fall in the night getting out of bed.
This is what I was trying to get over to my sister , it may have sunk in now..mum needs to be given the zimmer,or she forgets, alone she would be on floor till we arrived ,and then we cant lift her up easily,even three of us
Today she denied falling,she had forgotten,I was telling her she had to stay longer as her hip is bad
Carers reassured me that mum chats with other residents,and enjoys a bath on a Sunday now.
I feel better,if that is the right word,that mum is safe where she is.
Had a nice visit, and mum was taking her mules off to warm her feet on the underfloor heating in the conservatory, she said her hip was bad today,felt as I someone was pulling her leg..she then burst out laughing,saying,not in that way..
It was good to see her laugh.