Live in Carer V Respite Care in Home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by father ted, Jan 26, 2017.

  1. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    Just wanted some opinions from people of their experiences of live in carer v care in respite home.
    I have posted quite a few times and people will know I care for my Mum who is 90 and has AD and my daughter in her 20's who is severely disabled by a life limiting condition. They both live with me. I would like to take my daughter away this summer. She has not had a holiday since my Mum moved in 7 years ago although I have taken her away for the odd weekend, just her and me. I do find it a bit of a struggle when I take her away as I have to do all her personal care(toilet ting, bathing etc), as well as going out during the day pushing her about sometimes on steep hills etc so I have researched on the Internet and found a special hotel, all fully adapted, with wheelchair access vehicle for daily excursions and entertainment in the evening all we will have to do is go!

    I am already having qualms as I have not left my mother for more than 3 days and the people that provide the sitting say they could not cover a whole week which means if I go I either have to send Mum to a respite home which I am not keen on or get a live in carer from an agency who obviously won't know my Mum and I can see she will kick up a stink about it. My husband could either come with us or stay behind in case there was a problem but I would still get live in carer. When we were thinking about doing this before my Mum got so upset, said 'just stick me in a home and be done with it if I am causing too many problems' that we just gave up on the idea but I am mindful that my daughter has a serious health condition and I want to give her some good experiences to look back on before either she is too poorly or I am too old.
  2. ElizabethAnn

    ElizabethAnn Registered User

    Jan 4, 2014
    North Hampshire
    Hello father ted,
    a holiday for you, your daughter and husband (2 people to share the wheelchair pushing) sounds great :)

    I'd think that a live-in carer would be less distressing for your Mum (albeit more expensive).

    For proper peace of mind, I'd aim to get the 24 hour live-in carer there for a few days before you actually go, so you can introduce her gradually to your Mum and make sure that she knows everything she needs to know.

    We have a live-in carer for Mum & Dad and when the normal carer goes on holiday they always do a 24 hour hand over - I think this is the minimum you need.

    rgds, Elizabeth.
  3. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    A good live in carer from an agency, will be able to cope. Just do a detailed Daily/weekly routine sheet, this enables you to give information that would be embarrassing to be given verbally.
    Respite care, will give support 24/7, but is more difficult to arrange at the time to suit you. It is often resented at first, but enjoyed later as the week goes on.

    Whatever you decide, the three of you go away together,and enjoy!!

  4. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    failing that ( the care home for respite option)

    'we are all going away for a few day'' Just omit to tell her she is going to a different place to you and hubby and your daughter.
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    #5 Shedrech, Jan 27, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2017
    hi father ted
    I'm afraid I'm going to play devil's advocate a little here

    your daughter deserves some quality time with both her parents giving her their full attention
    you and your husband deserve a break and to be able to spend time with your daughter, just the 3 of you

    your mum has quashed a previous attempt at the 3 of you getting away - so she's had her choice that once
    she even told you to put her in a home - so personally, I'd go with that this time (I appreciate that your mum didn't mean what she said quite the way I'm taking it)

    AND I'd have as long a respite break as you can manage ie have her move in a few days before you go away and stay there for a few days after you return, just so that the 3 of you can have time at home to prepare yourselves for the holiday and deal with your return without having to cope with your mum's care needs too
    maybe the sitters might visit your mum in the respite home, so that part of her routine continues

    your mum may not like her part of this all that much - your daughter will love hers :)

    PS and do what Jessbow suggests; maybe don't even warn your mum beforehand so she doesn't become anxious
  6. Moog

    Moog Registered User

    Jan 8, 2017
    Kent. UK
    If it helps, a live-in carer here in south-east England is between £750-850 per week. The carer needs their own bedroom with a place to hang clothes and some basic furniture. Sounds a lot but it's cheaper than my Mum and Dad's current care package of carers 4 x day and nightsitters. Certainly cheaper than the good-quality residential homes locally.

    Moog x
  7. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    Thanks for your replies. I am drawn to the live in carer option as I feel it will minimise the disruption for her and my guilt ( I know I have no reason to feel guilty but there you are). It will also be cheaper, means she can continue with day centre etc. Also I have heard that some respite places will say they cannot guarentee a bed being free exactly when you want it so try to encourage you to take up a bed as soon as it's free even if this is a fortnight before you need it.

    Again thanks for replying I am always amazed at the knowledge, kindness and wisdom of the posters on here who take the time to provide advice and the benefit of their experiences to others.
  8. Georgina63

    Georgina63 Registered User

    Aug 11, 2014
    Hi father ted, I think either option of respite or live in could be positive, just do your research beforehand. Different circumstances, but we had a live in carer, recommended through family, for mum and dad for a week, which although positive for most of the week, didn't end well(long story) - with hindsight, I would have gone through an agency, who would have more experience. A few months later, they went for 2 weeks respite in a local CH , which went well. We explained that they were going on a holiday for a couple of weeks. Hope you find a good solution. Georgina X

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