Live in carer, problem with client's son, should I walk out?

[Chemmy]

With all due respect, what he decides to do if you leave isn't your concern, and it sounds as though he will ensure his mother continues to receive good care.

There is a saying on here that you can't change the behaviour of other people, but you can change the way you react to them. You may not be able to stop the bullying behaviour, but you have the ultimate card up your sleeve......you can walk away.

Your priority is to do what is best for you and Julie.

 

[Partner Paul]

I'm sorry to hear you are both in such a difficult situation but I really don't think 20 pages detailing all the problems is going to help. You need to focus in on the important points, so I'd say you should file that away but don't share it with people.

The 20+ pages was the idea of a friend, I wanted to respond to the last email (and it wouldn't have been polite), a friend told me to write about everything from first meeting Mary, all the good and bad experiences, then go through the telephone calls and emails in detail, and if by the end of that I still wanted to respond, then do so, it was a clever idea, it reminded me of all the good we do and how much Mary needs us, it also helped to see things a little more from the point of the family, of corse it doesn't change the fact that Dave is a bully, but sometimes it helps to look at the overall picture.

And your partner should start looking for a new position and a new place to live now. You need to have a plan for the future, because if the relationship with the family breaks down you could find yourselves in a bad situation.

I've been quietly increasing my work load, Julie and I had 30+ clients (housecleans), we give up 60% to move in with Mary, I've also asked a couple of former landlords to keep us posted of available places, but if things do change, we'll probably take a break in India for a month, so this gives a little more flexibility.

I'm not sure if we'd do the live in care work again, at the moment it's easy to say we would, Mary is such a lovely lady, but if Dave's actions bring the whole thing crashing down, I think it will affect Julie (& Mary) badly, and I imagine she'd be reluctant to go through it all again.

However, the house cleaning business brings with it a lot of elderly clients (that's how we met Mary), when we told our clients Julie was about to become a live in carer, she had 2 serious offers to become a live-in carer for clients, one offer was £800, but the man had a serious alcohol problem, so Julie would never consider it, the other was £700 a week (double what she's getting now) for a really lovely man, Julie had helped him a lot when his wife was dying, and he had Parkinsons, it really hurt Julie that she couldn't help him, but she'd already agreed to move in with Mary, and she keeps to her word, he died a few months ago.

 

[Partner Paul]

With all due respect, what he decides to do if you leave isn't your concern, and it sounds as though he will ensure his mother continues to receive good care.

I agree, I was responding to a question asking if Dave had an ulterior motive, possibly to put Mary in a home.

 

[Chemmy]

I'm really glad to hear you're considering other options.

I can see now how worrying it must be, knowing that there is always going to be a risk of any contract being terminated at short notice, either through death or a move into permanent care. Losing your job is one thing; losing your home too is a different ball game.

Good luck in whatever you and Julie decide.l

 

[Shedrech]

hi Partner Paul
maybe have a read round the internet for rates of pay and expectations on live in carers - I just did a quick search and this is the first site I looked at
http://www.homecare.org.uk/live-in-care-jobs-work/pay-and-benefits/
best wishes

 

[Partner Paul]

Just a rant....

Feeling so down today (we both are), Mary has been a bit sad the last few days, we put it down to her being tired, but watching her yesterday made us realise she knows something is up.

We try to only talk about Dave when she's sleeping, and certainly out of earshot, but if she has somehow heard us taking, that's unforgivable, we always try to involve her in conversations and decisions, but were really struggling to think how to deal this this one.

She can never know that Dave is the cause of our worry, if it all falls apart, we'll lie and tell her we have a family emergency we must deal with, her love for her children, and their love for her is by far the biggest positive in her life, we feel she doesn't need negative thoughts occupying her mind, so could never tell her.

Julie and I talked for hours last night and decided we had to put Dave out of our minds and stop talking about him (unless something else happens), we're normally very positive all the time, but I guess we may have seemed less positive lately and we're hoping this is what she's picked up on, so we've got to get back to our usual selves and give Mary a brilliant weekend and see if this improves things.

Don't even know why I'm typing this, just so worried she may have heard us talking, and don't dare imagine how a 91 year old would feel about a constant being removed from her life.

 

[Beetroot]

Possibly not overheard talking, but could sense you are uncomfortable about something and picked up the change in atmosphere.

 

[Bod]

Talk to the sister, if needs be outside the house. If she's a sensible as it sounds she is, then asking her to keep quiet till after the India trips, would be a good idea.
This does need sorting, and the sooner the better.
"Mary" is by the sound of it, going down, and will soon need much more care, than one person (even with your help) can manage.

Yours is a fairly common situation, where one family member does all the caring, but another is the "expert"!!
The sister may well have the measure of "Dave" and can control him, if she knows what he's up to.

Bod