It was difficult to think of a title for this thread, I'm not even the carer, but wanted to get the attention of people who may have gone through similar. I am the partner of a live-in carer (I live in as well), and a situation has developed where I can't see a way forward, it has the potential to emotionally wreck my partner, but she adores the lady she cares for, and knows the lady could end up in a home if she walks out, I know my partner would leave if I walked out, but it would break her heart, and could do serious damage to our relationship, please help. 21 months ago we moved in with an amazing 90 year old lady (lets call her Mary), she has mid term Alzheimers, we both moved in as this was a permanent position, and keeping a separate (rented) home wasn't viable, I have my own work. Everything was brilliant for the first 20 months, then one of the Lady's sons (Dave) visited (all her family live abroad), all went well and he returned home, a few days later he telephoned and told my partner (we'll call her Julie) that some things were not acceptable, he started to list some minor things, but some just weren't true at all, if Julie tried to say anything he just raised his voice and said it was true, she was absolutely gobsmacked, he'd never shown this side of him, but some of the things were so obviously not true, she wondered what on earth he was up to, was he playing to an audience?. Even if all the things he said were true, we're only talking about a few adjustments that we'd be happy to make, and as I said to Julie, if that's all he could point out after 20 months, then she'd obviously doing a very good job, the lady and the rest of her family are very happy with everything. He went on to list some changes he felt were needed, and again, we're happy to go along with them all, but Julie wanted to discuss why this change might not gain any benefit, how that change could impact on the rest of Mary's day, but this wasn't a discussion, he said he was embarrassed to be with his mum, and that she'd lost all her pride. Julie was very upset, he left her feeling she was neglecting Mary and that she wasn't good for Mary, and that anything that went wrong (because of the changes) would be Julie's fault. She was worried that one of the changed was potentially dangerous, when she/we take Mary out, we use a wheelchair for longer distances, or she uses a stick and links onto one of our arms, but now he wanted Mary to use a 3 wheeled walker, Julie was concerned because we could only find the type where the default setting had the brake off, and Mary would need to remember to apply the break if she stumbled, and because she would no longer have physical contact, Julie might not be aware of the stumble for the first second, and this could lead to a fall, Julie wanted to find the type where the default had the break on, and see if Mary was more comfortable/safe with that type, but there was to be no discussion, and the walker needed to be purchased immediately. I told Julie that Dave was entitled to a bad day, and may not understand Alzheimers completely, or may find it difficult to see things from the carer's point of view, I suggested we put it behind us, and move on. We then went on a 2 week holiday, Mary's other children looked after Mary during this time, and were very happy with how she was, and didn't suggest any changes. A couple of days after our return we started exchanging emails with Dave, in these emails I asked if Julie could start having 4 weeks off per year, she'd had 2 in first year, 2 in 2nd, and a 2 day break, Dave didn't handle the request very well, and I know I shouldn't have mentioned it, but I told him that he'd spent 13 days here (always staying in hotels, half those days with his wife, though I didn't mention that), and hadn't once suggested he'd look after his mum so Julie could have a break. He telephoned me and it was impossible to get a word in, I'm not going into detail, but it's very difficult to imagine what it's like to be on the receiving end of such a call, I now understood why Julie was so upset, if he did let me speak, he'd just rubbish anything I said. Julie and I talked, then again the following morning, we'd planned our wedding and honeymoon when we were on holiday, but both realised that it would have to be postponed, it was obvious to me that this situation wasn't going to be easy to sort out, I asked her, if you left now, could you be happy with your decision? She said no, so we agreed to put it behind us, and talk again if anything else happened, Julie went to meet a friend to get this whole situation out of her head, and I took Mary out for a few hours, we met later then returned home, there was another email from Dave, it was shocking, extremely disrespectful and had us questioning how we go forward from here. It's now 8 days since the last email, we didn't respond, and there's been no more talk of annual leave. Julie is an amazing lady, she very bravely walked out of an abusive marriage 8 years ago, and has increasingly become a confident and very happy lady, but Dave has severely dented this, she now jumps when she hears the front door, tries to take Mary out whenever I go to work, and is worried about answering the phone. We struggle to see a way forward because we know 100% that Dave doesn't understand things from Julie's point of view, we also know 100% that as the Alzheimers progresses, there's be 100 things to disagree about, but we know that Dave won't listen, and will revert to his own style of conflict resolution. In short, it's a real disaster waiting to happen. The sad thing is, Mary is very very happy, and so are the rest of the family, so am I and so is Julie, Mary is 92 now and in fantastic condition all things considered, a few months after we moved in she was having full on hallucinations every week, she now hasn't had one for almost 3 months. We could discuss things with other members of the family, but Dave makes us feel that no matter what we do, we'll be doing the wrong thing, and I have serious concerns that even if Dave changed his attitude, it wouldn't be too long till he changed back again. Julie's pay is a lot less than a live-in carer usually gets, we though that I would be a negative in the whole equation (completely wrong), and we pay for half of all household shopping. Julie is convinced Dave will put Mary in a home if we leave, and as scared as she is of Dave, I think she couldn't leave, but I think Dave can damage Julie (mentally) and this could in turn impact on the care she gives Mary, especially as the Alzheimers advances and things get tougher. Can anyone suggest a way forward? I'm sorry the details are sketchy, I'm about 90% of the way through a much more detailed version (it's more than 20 pages already), but decided not to put it online, when I get to 10 posts, I'll send it in a private message to anyone who's interested.