Letting go, moving on

willemm

Registered User
Sep 20, 2006
41
Once more, thanks to all who have responded to me (Should I feed her?) so lovingly and caringly, in spite of your own difficult and emotional circumstances in many cases.
I realise that a very long, sad, disturbing and stressful chapter of my life has come to an end, leaving me with a mixture of grief, relief, even anger at times though I can see no point in letting any of this get out of hand.
A new chapter has begun.
I miss my wife terribly at times, but have already set myself the task of finding a new direction to take. Until now everything revolved around her, but not any more. It's a vacuum that simply has to be filled, preferably with something positive.
You may find my first step unusual, but before she went into care just over a couple of months ago, I would be busy around the house often talking to myself, partly to keep up some kind of conversation - mostly one sided, and partly to put my thoughts into action. (At times my wife might ask what I was saying and I told her I was just thinking out loud to myself). But it now occurs to me that I could go on doing this, instead of talking to myself but to Elsie my departed wife. Sounds daft, but it helps, and it kind of makes sense. If I could talk to myself, why not now to her - who am I to say that she is not listening? I talked to her as she lay dying to help herself and myself get through the ordeal, so its not a lot diferent, and it's along the lines of those who I have read saying they go into another room to swear when the going got tough, just to ease their feelings.
I actually feel better now for having the odd "one-sided-chat" but I must just make sure that I don't do so when in company, or will get some strange looks!
Love to all
Bill
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
Hi Bill
instead of talking to myself but to Elsie my departed wife
and why not?

I already do it when away from Jan, in between visiting times. I'm sure I will always do do. But then I also talk to my departed Mum and Grandma. Not all the time of course!

Maybe I'm just strange.....
 

MJK

Registered User
Oct 22, 2004
54
So sorry for your loss. Carry on talking to Elsie, I say. The following says it much more eloquently then I ever could:

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.

Canon Henry Scott-Holland, (1847-1918), Canon of St Paul's Cathedral
 

maria29al

Registered User
Mar 15, 2006
426
59
Warwickshire
My son read those words out at my Dads funeral.

I still talk to Dad a lot of the time and I certainly feel that he is close by and listening. It helps and that's what counts at sad times.

Hugs

M
x
 

mel

Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
1,656
63
Sheffield
Hi Bill
I think thats a perfectly normal and sensible thing to do! I lost my dear father a year last February and I often talk to him around the house......I'm sure he's listening to me....and its very comforting....

You are absolutely bound to feel such a mixture of emotions for some time....my dad had cancer and although it wasn't that that killed him i firmly believe he was taken in order to save him from future pain and suffering......
Hold on to those precious last moments with Elsie.....they will give you so much comfort in the weeks /months /years to come and the knowledge that you did everything possible for her.........

Remember too that your beloved Elsie is now free of this terrible disease....and whole again

I hope you carry on posting too.....and make sure you take care of yourself
Love Wendy xx


MJK.....That poem is beautiful.....I hadn't seen it before and I think it sums everything up.......I'm going to take a copy of it....thanks for posting it
 

willemm

Registered User
Sep 20, 2006
41
Hello all
I somehow felt that I wasn't alone in treating my loss not as losing Elsie totally, but that she had simply moved on, and not far away. The poem by quoted by MJK (for which many thanks MJK) beautifully sums up the way that I feel, especially as Elsie and I were so united at the time of her passing.
It doesn't stop the tears from welling up at certain times, but this too helps to make the pain more bearable.
I am finding that I now wake each morning not in dread of the coming day, but in anticipation of what new ideas on how to spend the day it might bring.
Love
Bill
 

alex

Registered User
Apr 10, 2006
1,665
Hi Bill

I've only just read your post................i think your lucky to be able to talk to your wife............i can't talk to Ray............it really hurt because i always believed that when someone you love dies they are still sort of with you and i thought he would be, but he's not, i don't feel anything, don't feel as though he's there, or watching over me or close by, or anything that people believe when they lose someone.............i really, really wish i did, it would be a comfort, but i just don't feel anything except a huge emptyness, knowing that he's gone forever and i can't change that.
A friend of mine thinks its because i won't allow myself to believe he's close, but i don't think thats the case because i do want to believe it.............maybe its because i'm just so bl**by angry at him!

Anyway, if it makes you feel better to talk, then there is nothing wrong with that!

Love Alex x
 

Nell

Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
1,170
68
Australia
willemm said:
But it now occurs to me that I could go on doing this, instead of talking to myself but to Elsie my departed wife. Sounds daft, but it helps, and it kind of makes sense. If I could talk to myself, why not now to her - who am I to say that she is not listening? I talked to her as she lay dying to help herself and myself get through the ordeal, so its not a lot diferent, and it's along the lines of those who I have read saying they go into another room to swear when the going got tough, just to ease their feelings.
I actually feel better now for having the odd "one-sided-chat" but I must just make sure that I don't do so when in company, or will get some strange looks!
Love to all
Bill


Dear Bill,
I am reminded of the TV show "New Tricks" in which one of the chaps regularly taks to his wife who is no longer there. It has always seemed to me to represent the heights of a good relationship. I hope you find continuing comfort in your chats. Just don't do it at the supermarket or on the bus!!:D
Cheers!
Nell
 

willemm

Registered User
Sep 20, 2006
41
Hi Alex
I'm not sure why you are so angry with Ray but I just wanted to say that I don't feel that Elsie is close to me when I chat, it's more a case of I like to think that she overhears me. And that is really my point - I like to think - 'cos we don't really know what happens after death. Much depends on one's beliefs, and I'm not a great believer either, neither was Elsie. You can think of it as a psychological placebo if you like. A bookie might have to put the odds of there being an afterlife at 50/50 which isn't bad going. In other words it's not 100% guaranteed, but it has a good chance. Our little chats are quite infrequent in fact, usually when I'm feeling down, or lost and my thoughts of dispair/what-to-do?/etc just come out, half to myself, half to Elsie.
But there is no doubt that I feel better for having got whatever was bothering me off my chest and shared it with her (which may be wishing thinking if you like but does it really matter?)
Why not give it a try when you're feeling low - you've nothing to lose, and maybe a lot to be gained?
Love & best wishes
Bill
ps - Nell - yes I do like that character you referred to, chatting to Mary I think whenever he - a hard bitten copper - was looking for inspiration. Why not again?
 

alex

Registered User
Apr 10, 2006
1,665
Hi Bill

Thanks for the advice, i do understand what your trying to say and i'm glad you've found that comfort............your a lucky fella, if it brings you comfort, it doesn't matter what anyone else's beliefs are.

Why not give it a try when you're feeling low - you've nothing to lose, and maybe a lot to be gained?
I wish i could Bill, i really, really wish i could.............but i can't......... yes i am angry at him, but apart from that.............i'm not ready for it yet..........maybe i never will be, i don't know............i just try not to think about him, doesn't always work though!

Thank again Bill
Love Alex x
 

willemm

Registered User
Sep 20, 2006
41
I've had lots of cards of sympathy, all very comforting and supportive. One arrived this morning with quite the nicest piece of prose (no author name given) which goes as follows:

The Rose Beyond The Wall


A rose once grew where all could see,

sheltered beside a garden wall.

And, as the days passed swiftly by,

it spread its branches straigfht and tall.

One day, a beam of light shone through

a crevice that had opened wide -

the rose bent gently toward its warmth

then passed beyond to the other side...

Now, you who deeply feel its loss,

be comforted - the rose blooms there -

its beauty even greater now,

nurtured by God's own loving care.

It's a really comforting piece I think, even for, I was going to say a "non-believer like me" which isn't true, I have an open mind which makes a big difference. Hope you like it too.

Bill
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,113
Kent
Dear Bill, What a meaningful piece of prose. I am not a believer, but the message is still there.
I do believe we all live on in the minds of those who know and love us and our legacy is how we touch those we come into contact with.
Take care Sylvia