Lack of Insight: how to talk to Mum about a crisis

[Fennysnake]

As my Mum's Alzheimer's has worsened, her insight into it has also diminished. I thought I was doing OK, keeping cheerful, avoiding questions and contradiction but now a crisis has arisen and I do not know how to talk to her about it.
My brother has lost his job, his marriage has broken down and he has been staying with her. He has done all the shopping, cleaning and cooking, accompanied her to medical appointments, sorted out her pills etc. It's a long story, but without her he would be homeless. However, she has now decided that she "wants her life back" and that without him there every thing would be fine. I have tried to be positive and look on the bright side, tried to distract, tried to postpone the final decision but she is adamant. I try to respect that ultimately it is her decision but throwing him out will be devastating for him - his mental health is poor and he has been suicidal - but ultimately also for her, as she will struggle to cope without him there. It is heartbreaking to see.

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome to posting @Fennysnake

What you describe is such a pity. Are you sure your mother is staying with this decision or do you think she might change her mind?

Would it be possible for your brother to stay with you at least for a week just to see if she misses him, finds it difficult to manage and allows him back?

It`s all I can think of as a way round this worry.

 

[canary]

One of the problems with dementia is, as you say, the loss of insight (anosognosia) so that they are unable to understand that they have something wrong with them and that they have changed. In their own mind they have not changed at all and are still doing everything that they used to. Nevertheless, they are aware that Something is wrong and things around them are not going right, but they are not able to put their finger on exactly what it is, so they blame where they are living and/or the people around them for their confusion. They think that if they move somewhere else, get rid of a load of things in their home, or throw people out of the house/prevent them from coming in then it will get rid of the confusion, not realising that the problem is themself.

I agree with @Grannie G - could your brother come and stay with you (or somewhere else) for a week? This may be enough to show your mum that actually, she needs your brother. You may also find that medication to reduce her anxiety helps.

 

[JoannePat]

@Fennysnake It is such a difficult position for you and your brother to be in. You know what is best for you and your mum. I have read the two previous answers and have to say I agree. Would it be possible for your brother to stay somewhere else for a week and see how your mum reacts.

Of course she can't be ignored but left to her devices as much as possible she may realise how lonely/difficult it is. You can then explain to her why it is best to have your brother there. It sounds like he does so much for her!

@canary Oh my goodness I didn't know it had a name (anosognosia), my father is definitely going through this, although it seems to be an in and out. Sometimes he calls me and says he has another bag for the charity shop but then yesterday I was at his house and the dining table was just a pile of papers and a bit of this and a bit of that (I think you know what I would really like to call it )

 

[Ning76]

Hi Fennysnake
So sorry to hear about your very difficult family dilemma. There are two family members who need support and so far they have been able to offer support to each other. Your brother has awareness but unfortunately your mother doesn’t due to her illness causing the anosognosis. As your brother is struggling with his mental health I think it is very positive that he has been doing so much for your Mum. Depression/suicidal thoughts and feelings can immobilise a person. However supporting your Mum may help him to feel useful and be a coping mechanism for his own mental health issues. Sorry I am sure you are aware of all this. I agree with GrannyG, Canary and JoannePat. If your brother could spend a short time staying somewhere else maybe with yourself, with another family member or a friend, then perhaps your Mum would realise that she does need the help that your brother can provide. Alternatively would your Mum allow your brother to stay with her a bit longer while he finds alternative accommodation? This could be without his help so that she can feel she is being independent and not having her ‘life taken over’. I think she may find herself being relieved that he is still there so that she can turn to him for help.

 

[Fennysnake]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind and understanding replies. They meant so much to me and I appreciate so much
Two things have happened since I last posted. One is that my mum has grudgingly agreed that my brother can stay with her until spring (suitably vague). The other is that she undertook a train journey alone (at her insistence). She made it home, but over 3 hours late, minus her bag and with no idea of where she had been. It really shook her, and she has been very relieved to be taken care of for a bit.