Thank you for all your advice and support. Just to clarify my husband has not resorted to any violence as of yet and should it happen believe me I WILL call the police. Unfortunately, it is his Alzheimers that is causing his frustration and agitation and I am fearful that one day a slap or a kick may turn into more. I have made an appointment to visit the G.P with my husband and hope that it will bring about an improvement in the situation.
Kick off time
- Thread starter Nette
- Start date
Hello Nette and all
I have been interested to read all your posts. My husband does not have a diagnosis of dementia but so much of the behaviour you describe is what I have been experiencing. Although I try extremely hard to keep things calm and practice compassionate communication my husband has outbursts of anger every few months. These usually come from me saying or asking something completely normal which he either doesn't like or doesn't like the way I say it! I then get it with both basis so to speak! I'm told I don't show him any sympathy, I don't care, I don't help him, I don't love him as much as he loves me. All completely irrational. I always remove myself from the room but I'm then told I'm running away. He follows me continuing hurling the verbal abuse. He always gets tearful and I confess so do I. Sometimes he will start to clutch his chest and appear to be having difficulty breathing. I would stress that he has never been physically abusive. The only way I have found to deal with the situation is to leave the house for a while. This sometimes has the desired effect but not always. I do find all this extremely difficult to deal with. He doesn't like me doing things outside of the home or with other people. On one occasion in one of his outbursts he told me he wants me here with him all the time!I have spoken to my GP about this and he wanted to refer me to another agency to get some support. I declined because it would be too difficult to access this and because I feel its my husband who requires the help. He has recently been having problems sleeping and following his latest outburst has agreed that he is depressed and been prescribed antidepressants. It will be interesting to see if they help. He obviously doesn't have dementia problems anything like as severe as some, we have a memory clinic appointment in a fe weeks, this will be the fourth one with no diagnosis so far and I don't think this one will be any different. I've been living with his gradual deterioration over the last seven years and first attended the memory clinic two years ago. I have lived with my mothers vascular dementia for many years and so many of his difficulties mirror hers. I really don't want him to get a dementia diagnosis but on the other hand it would give a reason for his behaviour and other difficulties. He's very good at putting on a show for other people.
I have been interested to read all your posts. My husband does not have a diagnosis of dementia but so much of the behaviour you describe is what I have been experiencing. Although I try extremely hard to keep things calm and practice compassionate communication my husband has outbursts of anger every few months. These usually come from me saying or asking something completely normal which he either doesn't like or doesn't like the way I say it! I then get it with both basis so to speak! I'm told I don't show him any sympathy, I don't care, I don't help him, I don't love him as much as he loves me. All completely irrational. I always remove myself from the room but I'm then told I'm running away. He follows me continuing hurling the verbal abuse. He always gets tearful and I confess so do I. Sometimes he will start to clutch his chest and appear to be having difficulty breathing. I would stress that he has never been physically abusive. The only way I have found to deal with the situation is to leave the house for a while. This sometimes has the desired effect but not always. I do find all this extremely difficult to deal with. He doesn't like me doing things outside of the home or with other people. On one occasion in one of his outbursts he told me he wants me here with him all the time!I have spoken to my GP about this and he wanted to refer me to another agency to get some support. I declined because it would be too difficult to access this and because I feel its my husband who requires the help. He has recently been having problems sleeping and following his latest outburst has agreed that he is depressed and been prescribed antidepressants. It will be interesting to see if they help. He obviously doesn't have dementia problems anything like as severe as some, we have a memory clinic appointment in a fe weeks, this will be the fourth one with no diagnosis so far and I don't think this one will be any different. I've been living with his gradual deterioration over the last seven years and first attended the memory clinic two years ago. I have lived with my mothers vascular dementia for many years and so many of his difficulties mirror hers. I really don't want him to get a dementia diagnosis but on the other hand it would give a reason for his behaviour and other difficulties. He's very good at putting on a show for other people.
Hello Yorkie46, yes I can relate with nearly everything you say. I am sorry to hear that he has not got a diagnosis yet. At least you would both know for sure what is behind the drama. It took my husband over 3 years before he went to the G.P. and asked for investigation. Once he was referred to the hospital it was another 6 months of tests and scans before he finally got his diagnosis. It does reassure me that my husband's behaviour is all part of his condition and that it is not me provoking him or asking for it as I sometimes wonder and blame myself. Please know that I am thinking of you and wish you well.
I will be off line for a while as we are going to visit friends for a much needed break.
I will be off line for a while as we are going to visit friends for a much needed break.
@yorkie46 after my husband died, I was discussing his illness with my gp, and I explained to her that although he was diagnosed seven years before he died, and I had known he had Dementia for at least three years before he was diagnosed, in actual fact, looking back over our 21 years of marriage, I would say there were, at most, maybe three years that weren't influenced by what I would describe now as a sort of "creeping dementia" or pre dementia. Slowly, there was increasing paranoia, so slowly you didn't really notice for years, because he used to make a big joke about it. The very slowly increasing control over every aspect of our lives. Desperate not to offend anyone, so we had to appear to be whatever he thought others expected us to be. The perfect family. So desperate not to attract attention by not having everything under control, he couldn't see that the bullying behaviour itself was not normal. My doctor was very interested, particularly in the fact that as my husband's illness progressed and he forgot to mind what others thought, his real, sweet personality shone through. Medication helped a lot with getting him over the paranoia too. But, as the doctor said, how, without the benefit of hindsight, can you make the call between what's a symptom that needs investigation, and what's just bad behaviour?
Hello @yorkie46, that is very comforting. I noticed the signs of dementia in my husband seven years ago but he was only diagnosed in 2016. The slowly increasing control over every aspect of our lives and the desperation not to appear anything other than what others expect us to be. He to cannot see that the bullying behaviour itself is not normal. We see his doctor on 5th March and I sincerely hope that there is something to help him through this awful stage of his Alzheimers to when he may return to be the sweet person he always used to be.
Hello Bette
Good luck with the appointment with the doctor.
My husband has an appointment at the memory clinic on 12th. He's started saying he doesn't want to go, he can't see the point because they aren't going to give him a he memory! I do wonder if some of the reason for this is fear that they may tell him something he doesn't want to hear. I think he will be devastated if they tell him he has dementia and I think he would want to keep it a secret. I may be wrong but I wonder if he is more aware of his increased difficulties. I'm just hoping h doesn't ask me to cancel it. I am a bit annoyed that we are only seeing a specialist nurse and not a doctor because I don't think he will have the ability to make a definite diagnosis immediately, he will have to discuss it at a team meeting. I get the feeling its assessment on the cheap and is a way of reducing the number of people being diagnosed and therefore reducing the amount of support they have to provide. Sorry I'll get off my high horse! Hope I'm prove wrong.
Good luck with the appointment with the doctor.
My husband has an appointment at the memory clinic on 12th. He's started saying he doesn't want to go, he can't see the point because they aren't going to give him a he memory! I do wonder if some of the reason for this is fear that they may tell him something he doesn't want to hear. I think he will be devastated if they tell him he has dementia and I think he would want to keep it a secret. I may be wrong but I wonder if he is more aware of his increased difficulties. I'm just hoping h doesn't ask me to cancel it. I am a bit annoyed that we are only seeing a specialist nurse and not a doctor because I don't think he will have the ability to make a definite diagnosis immediately, he will have to discuss it at a team meeting. I get the feeling its assessment on the cheap and is a way of reducing the number of people being diagnosed and therefore reducing the amount of support they have to provide. Sorry I'll get off my high horse! Hope I'm prove wrong.
Hello yorkie46, yes I am sure it is fear that is worrying your husband but it is better to know and learn to cope as a couple than not know. At least there is medication that can help with some of the symptoms. Seeing the nurse specialist is all part of the process and yes they probably will have to discuss it at a multi-disciplinary team meeting with the consultant. It is often such a long process to get a diagnosis, but I am sure your husband will receive one eventually. I had to get our MP involved to get an appointment for my husband's diagnosis because they just kept delaying it and it was so cruel doing that to him. I hope all goes well on the 12th, if he does get the diagnosis of dementia, I am sure he will be devastated and given time will hopefully come to terms with his diagnosis, although my husband still struggles to accept it.
Update: My husband and I went to see his G.P who was very sympathetic to the problems but advised us that all he could do was refer my husband back to the Community Mental Health Team for a visit from the CPN. He said there is not medication he can give my husband to help with his agitation and aggression as it would not suit him with the meds is already taking (he is diabetic). Once again my husband flew into a rage this morning and I really didn't see it coming. It scared and upset me so much, I immediately grabbed the car keys and left for an hour. I have now returned home and he has calmed down again to the point that he hasn't said a word to me since I returned but that is preferable to being shouted at all the time. I am told that in time this aggressive phase will pass and for me that can't come soon enough. I do love my husband but at the moment it is really hard living with him because he is not the man I married 20 years ago.
