Kick off time

[Nette]

Hello, I am in my early sixties and my husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers in 2016. I am finding it really hard at the moment trying to deal with his constant mood swings and aggression. He gets really frustrated about something and turns into Mister Nasty. As well as saying really horrible things to me, he has slapped and kicked me and I am worried that at some point it may turn into a punch. I know he doesn't really mean it, but it is very upsetting. He is finding it hard to accept that he has Alzheimers and that he can no longer do all the things that he used to be able to do as quickly or easily. He gets very frustrated when things don't go the way he wants them to go and that sparks a session of agitation and aggression.
I am sure that I am not the only one that is having this problem and a little advise will help.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello again @Nette, I am just copying my reply to you on the welcome thread to get your new thread going:-

Hello and welcome to TP. You will find this a friendly, informative and supportive place.

I'm sorry to read about the level of difficulties you are having. I have faced the mood swings and verbal insults but not physical violence. You do not have to accept actual, or threat of, physical violence. When a person with dementia(PWD) gets agitated it may be because of their confusion about what is going on, or even a perception that they are under threat because they don't understand what is happening to them or even recognise the person they are with. It is important to keep yourself safe by having a secure place to which you can retreat when things kick off. A room with a lock and an escape window sort of thing. Keep a mobile on you at all times so that you have the ability to call for help when you have to retreat. It may seem harsh, but I have seen it suggested that if violence occurs the police should be informed so that the behaviour is documented and SS involved, if required, at the time or a future date.

You may find it useful to talk to an expert and the help-line details are:-
National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.

Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

Keep safe and keep posting. I would suggest you even start your own thread so that you can keep us advised andget help from our members. We are all here for you and I'm sure others with specific experience will answer you.

 

[marionq]

This is not acceptable by any standards. You need to get back to his consultant, GP, CPN, social services - any and everyone you have contact with. You need to get them to reconsider his medication and how they are going to help him to be safe and you to be safe from him.

Illness cannot be an excuse for threatening or actual aggression. You are entitled to a life too.

 

[Nette]

Hello, thank you for your advice. I do retreat to another room when he starts to turn nasty. He does still know who I am and is not confused all the time. It is just his frustration that is causing the problem. I have tried to get him to talk about his Alzheimers and how he is feeling but he just says he is not ready to talk about it yet.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Nette
welcome from me too
keep yourself safe - and call the police if you feel threatened and definitely if there's violence - they are pretty adept at dealing with these situations and their help can be invaluable

also get in touch with your husband's GP and put them in the picture (now is not the time to hold back, the medics need to know exactly what is going on) - there may be meds, or a tweak of current meds, that can help your husband settle

please also contact your Local Authority Adult Services and explain the situation, ask for an assessment of your husband's care needs - this will at least flag him up on their systems as a concern - explain that he is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk' of harming others ie you, which also puts you 'at risk' - the LA has the 'duty of care' for your husband

ask the LA for some time at a day care centre or a sitter, and respite, to give you some time apart

PS - just read the 2 posts above this (I take ages to type)
I'd suggest not discussing matters with him - leave the topic until he raises it - hard for you, I appreciate, as you're probably used to talking things over as a couple; it may be time to choose carefully what you talk about and keep it light - it's not at all unusual for those with a diagnosis either to apparently ignore it, or appear to deny it; sadly this is part of the dementia
maybe having a read of this, on compassionate communication, may give you some strategies to try
http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/sho...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[Nette]

Hello Marlong, I have made an appointment with the G.P to discuss it and review his medication. He did have the CPN visiting him every month but was told last week that he was being signed off back into the care of his G.P. When I asked why, I was told that the CPN team are being put under pressure to sign off their patients. I told the CPN that I was concerned that if my husband became aggressive I would have not one to turn to but he said that I would need to get the G.P. to make another referral.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Hello Marlong, I have made an appointment with the G.P to discuss it and review his medication. He did have the CPN visiting him every month but was told last week that he was being signed off back into the care of his G.P. When I asked why, I was told that the CPN team are being put under pressure to sign off their patients. I told the CPN that I was concerned that if my husband became aggressive I would have not one to turn to but he said that I would need to get the G.P. to make another referral.

It is a ridiculous system isn't it whereby a pwd who has a progressive illness and will have changing presentation and most probably develop challenging behaviour is 'signed off'. Make your points strongly to the GP..keep yourself safe and phone the police if you feel worried for your safety. Sometimes it seems they have better processes in place to get the pwd mental health help than the unwillingness of a CPN who
Should see further than the immediate. To have to be referred again is just beyond understanding...I know there isn't a bottomless pit of funding or personnel available but you really do have to wonder sometimes

 

[Nette]

Hello love dad but, yes agree with you and the ridiculous thing is my husband was originally referred to the Community Health Team because of his aggression and agitation. This hasn't changed and yet they feel that it is not a problem any more. I will make the points strongly with my G.P. and insist that my husband is referred back to the CPN.

 

[Bee.quilt]

Hi Nette and welcome from me. I am a recently new member and find this forum a great help. My OH has always been forceful and determined to get his own way against my protests. 2015/6 were horrendous as his dominance accelerated to violence and verbal abuse. I was the weird one and no way did he need help. Eventually an incident caused me to make him an urgent appointment with GP leading to tests and finally Alzheimer's diagnosis six months ago. He was prescribed memantine which seems to have calmed him. He went from aggressive to sulky resignation and now indifference. When he was at his worst it was always bedtime issues so I found it difficult to share this with anyone else. Day times were manageable. As I said, he is now indifferent. This may not be your partners path as all pwd are individual, but I'm relieved I stuck it out and saved my two grown children and their families from public disgrace. No way will he accept the diagnosis so it's a subject I avoid. Following advice from people here I have learned to be devious, don't raise an issue, dodge it by doing it without being spotted. I'm sure a lot of people with think I am wrong but we can only do what we think is best in a new and impossible situation. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can keep safe and come through this v terrible patch.

 

[Spamar]

Public disgrace! It’s not being pelted in the stocks, it’s him with an illness! OK, lots of pwd don’t accept it, it there are sometimes ways around it. There are various medications which can be used to enable him to be easier to live with. Do you going into care or being sectioned? Lots on here will say that’s the best thing that has happened to pwd.
Remember, it’s an illness. One of the symptoms is that he doesn’t think he’s got it!

 

[Bee.quilt]

Public disgrace! It’s not being pelted in the stocks, it’s him with an illness! OK, lots of pwd don’t accept it, it there are sometimes ways around it. There are various medications which can be used to enable him to be easier to live with. Do you going into care or being sectioned? Lots on here will say that’s the best thing that has happened to pwd.
Remember, it’s an illness. One of the symptoms is that he doesn’t think he’s got it!

I spamar. Feel properly told off. But for my family and especially my proud, macho OH, being visited by the police and possibly hospitalised however temporarily, everyone then aware of his illness....yes that would indeed be classed as public disgrace! Am well aware it's an illness. My OH was a good dad, kind grandad, and revealing him to his loving family in such a public way would have been humiliating for him. I am a 79 year old wife and mother trying to preserve the love my family have for him at any cost. With a diagnosis problems can now be put down to,the big A and not the person.

 

[Spamar]

Oh no, it’s not the person. Sorry for the telling off, didn’t mean to be so short!
Many on here are like that, had loving gentle spouses, who have suddenly changed. I’m not sure that sectioning would be humiliating to him, most pwd don’t realise what’s going on at the time. Doesn’t necessarily involve the police, depends on his attitude and what he thinks is happening.
Don’t mean to pry, but have you kept it from his children? Cos I found that I needed all the help I could get! Plus before diagnosis ( though we knew there was a problem and as his father, my father and his sister all had dementia, diagnosis wasn’t difficult) I was in hospital for a new knee, and his daughter came to be with him. Many years later, she told me that was when she realised there was a problem. He wasn’t very bad then! So not telling children is not necessarily a good thing.
I would feel guilty if anything happened and we had not told them, but that was just us!
Now you’ve got a diagnosis, attendance allowance and reduction of council tax is available. I’m guessing you have sorted wills and both LPAs. Very useful!
Any problems, come back to TP, it’s a good place to be, even for just a chat!

 

[love.dad.but..]

I understand your emotion and protection of your husband but I have to admit I gulped when I read the words 'public disgrace'

 

[Ruskin]

Hello, I am in my early sixties and my husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers in 2016. I am finding it really hard at the moment trying to deal with his constant mood swings and aggression. He gets really frustrated about something and turns into Mister Nasty. As well as saying really horrible things to me, he has slapped and kicked me and I am worried that at some point it may turn into a punch. I know he doesn't really mean it, but it is very upsetting. He is finding it hard to accept that he has Alzheimers and that he can no longer do all the things that he used to be able to do as quickly or easily. He gets very frustrated when things don't go the way he wants them to go and that sparks a session of agitation and aggression.
I am sure that I am not the only one that is having this problem and a little advise will help.

I really do worry for you women who are constantly at risk of being on the receiving end of men's violence and aggression. To be quite honest I have no advice to give, but I am following your thread to made more aware of the current situation, and hopefully learn what has been put in place to for your safety.

I do know that in cases of domestic violence, who authorises it, I do not know, but you can have a room allocated in you home to be converted into a safe too. The door leading into the room, which normally turns in to the room, is replace with a reinforced solid door to turn out of the room. With heavy deadlock fitted, it will keep one safe until the police arrive. How people with dementia are dealt with, I do not know.

As you are more vulnerable of violence when you are alone with him, it may sound daft, but perhaps you could make the time to attend a self defence course.
Good luck and keep your head down.

 

[Bee.quilt]

Oh no, it’s not the person. Sorry for the telling off, didn’t mean to be so short!
Many on here are like that, had loving gentle spouses, who have suddenly changed. I’m not sure that sectioning would be humiliating to him, most pwd don’t realise what’s going on at the time. Doesn’t necessarily involve the police, depends on his attitude and what he thinks is happening.
Don’t mean to pry, but have you kept it from his children? Cos I found that I needed all the help I could get! Plus before diagnosis ( though we knew there was a problem and as his father, my father and his sister all had dementia, diagnosis wasn’t difficult) I was in hospital for a new knee, and his daughter came to be with him. Many years later, she told me that was when she realised there was a problem. He wasn’t very bad then! So not telling children is not necessarily a good thing.
I would feel guilty if anything happened and we had not told them, but that was just us!
Now you’ve got a diagnosis, attendance allowance and reduction of council tax is available. I’m guessing you have sorted wills and both LPAs. Very useful!
Any problems, come back to TP, it’s a good place to be, even for just a chat!

 

[Bee.quilt]

Oh no, it’s not the person. Sorry for the telling off, didn’t mean to be so short!
Many on here are like that, had loving gentle spouses, who have suddenly changed. I’m not sure that sectioning would be humiliating to him, most pwd don’t realise what’s going on at the time. Doesn’t necessarily involve the police, depends on his attitude and what he thinks is happening.
Don’t mean to pry, but have you kept it from his children? Cos I found that I needed all the help I could get! Plus before diagnosis ( though we knew there was a problem and as his father, my father and his sister all had dementia, diagnosis wasn’t difficult) I was in hospital for a new knee, and his daughter came to be with him. Many years later, she told me that was when she realised there was a problem. He wasn’t very bad then! So not telling children is not necessarily a good thing.
I would feel guilty if anything happened and we had not told them, but that was just us!
Now you’ve got a diagnosis, attendance allowance and reduction of council tax is available. I’m guessing you have sorted wills and both LPAs. Very useful!
Any problems, come back to TP, it’s a good place to be, even for just a chat!

Yes both aware of the medical appointments etc and rightly protective of their dads dignity. Obviously I used an emotive phrase that twanged a few nerves! Oops! As my OH is so strongly in denial (in spite of two elder siblings with same) and as hes still functioning as far as outsiders are concerned it's difficult to know how to deal. I really don't want my children's love for their father to be coloured by our private history which is why I battled on. Thank goodness that for now I don't need to barricade myself into a bedroom with a baseball bat and hope I'll have the nerve to use it if needed. This is such a difficult journey for pwds and carers. I feel I'm in a foreign country with no sat nav and no understanding of the rules. Hey ho! Churchill said Keep ....... On. That's for me.

 

[Shedrech]

I'm sorry, even light-heartedly (?) suggesting anyone turn the tables on a person with dementia is not on, in my book - get support, would be ideal, and I appreciate we don't live in an ideal world -so
what may be necessary is to get the heck out of the way at any signs of violence and call the police
they are well able to deal with such situations as they do it far more often than any individual can ever know - members have said here how helpful they have been - an official record is made, which helps give evidence that more support is needed, they can make an urgent referral to Social Services and can if necessary begin the procedure that can lead swiftly to sectioning

 

[Bee.quilt]

Bee.quilt again--I've just realised! 'Public disgrace ' referring to wife beating NOT Alzheimer's! Senior moment. I'll have another

 

[DeMartin]

I really do worry for you women who are constantly at risk of being on the receiving end of men's violence and aggression. To be quite honest I have no advice to give, but I am following your thread to made more aware of the current situation, and hopefully learn what has been put in place to for your safety.

I do know that in cases of domestic violence, who authorises it, I do not know, but you can have a room allocated in you home to be converted into a safe too. The door leading into the room, which normally turns in to the room, is replace with a reinforced solid door to turn out of the room. With heavy deadlock fitted, it will keep one safe until the police arrive. How people with dementia are dealt with, I do not know.

As you are more vulnerable of violence when you are alone with him, it may sound daft, but perhaps you could make the time to attend a self defence course.

Good luck and keep your head down.

Bee.quilt again--I've just realised! 'Public disgrace ' referring to wife beating NOT Alzheimer's! Senior moment. I'll have another

Bee.quilt again--I've just realised! 'Public disgrace ' referring to wife beating NOT Alzheimer's! Senior moment. I'll have another

 

[DeMartin]

Public disgrace means different things to different people, my dad was found (thank goodness by his grandson) without his lower garments on in a shopping area. He was in care within the hour, but it could have been a police cell.