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Just venting

cronar98

New member
May 4, 2021
5
0
She's screaming Leo! out the window and around the house. Leo is her dog, and he's just chilling out at her feet. Oh, she's fiddling with the exit door, there are stairs and she has osteoarthritis so back in a minute. Okay, back to just screaming Leo around the house, result. I guess this is sun downing, this is following another refreshing afternoon of endless discussion of when we're moving back to a non-existent house. I've given up ages ago telling her this is her house, I just keep making up lies for why we can't go. She seems more okay with this than outright telling her she's wrong. Oh, we're going out to hunt for Leo now, back in 20 min. 10 min actually, not bad. Just went banging on a neighbours door asking where Leo was with Leo at our feet, they seemed confused Such an odd disease, she's actually looked at Leo and said ''Come on Leo let's go find Leo!'.

I agreed to care for my grandmother rather impulsively, I'm third year of university and thought it'd be feasible since all classes were online. I said I'd do at least one year and we are 9 months deep. I've told them I can't do it anymore, I've scrubbed up and washed every bodily fluid imaginable, had coffee thrown at me, told I'm a tramp and a simpleton, and when I'm not doing this I'm rushing around trying to catch up with the work that I'm missing. Man, it's mental how a half hour conversation with her zombifies me, I can hardly string a sentence together in my head let alone write an essay. Serious props to the support team, I have at least not had to shower her. Only seen her naked once, when she just didn't seem to fancy clothes in the early morning, Hallelujah. I have spent many nights up until 3-4 in the morning terrified she'll leave in the night to 'find a party'. My option is that or hide the keys, in which case I'll get temper tantrums and wild accusations the next day.

Sarcastic hallelujah aside, I do understand she is the one going through immense torment, and that myriad carers on this forum have it so much worse than me. I just get so anxious because I'm young, and now I'm thinking of when I'll be able to leave and get back to my life. I did love my gran but I only met her a dozen times or so before this, she lived far away and we didn't have any special bond and she's not my responsibility. The reason I haven't given up yet is because I am convinced she will die if she is left alone, there's nobody else around to take her on. She has osteoarthritis in a second floor flat, suffered a broken hip and collar bone in the last 3 years, yet has no anxiety about running around and leaving the house. She can't work a television remote, but will fire up the grill, stick mince in a washing machine whatever. To top it off, she's an alcoholic and will always run off if she's not got booze. Even Leo is a hazard, she wants to walk him and he can pull her over easily.

Basically, I feel like I'm trapped with this person. I volunteered for one year, that was my commitment but this person is so frail and far-gone that if an alternative isn't organised I could be stuck here a long time. I can't do my final year in this situation, with her only getting worse I'd have to drop out. A social worker has told us that a care home is being organised but if she refuses then this will be my life until whenever she passes on.

This is so self-centred a post, I do feel guilt about my feelings and putting her in a home but that's another reason why I can't stand this. No matter what you do, you always feel like ****, like you've ****ed up or a horrible person. As noted in the title, this is just a sort of vent.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,633
0
She's screaming Leo! out the window and around the house. Leo is her dog, and he's just chilling out at her feet. Oh, she's fiddling with the exit door, there are stairs and she has osteoarthritis so back in a minute. Okay, back to just screaming Leo around the house, result. I guess this is sun downing, this is following another refreshing afternoon of endless discussion of when we're moving back to a non-existent house. I've given up ages ago telling her this is her house, I just keep making up lies for why we can't go. She seems more okay with this than outright telling her she's wrong. Oh, we're going out to hunt for Leo now, back in 20 min. 10 min actually, not bad. Just went banging on a neighbours door asking where Leo was with Leo at our feet, they seemed confused Such an odd disease, she's actually looked at Leo and said ''Come on Leo let's go find Leo!'.

I agreed to care for my grandmother rather impulsively, I'm third year of university and thought it'd be feasible since all classes were online. I said I'd do at least one year and we are 9 months deep. I've told them I can't do it anymore, I've scrubbed up and washed every bodily fluid imaginable, had coffee thrown at me, told I'm a tramp and a simpleton, and when I'm not doing this I'm rushing around trying to catch up with the work that I'm missing. Man, it's mental how a half hour conversation with her zombifies me, I can hardly string a sentence together in my head let alone write an essay. Serious props to the support team, I have at least not had to shower her. Only seen her naked once, when she just didn't seem to fancy clothes in the early morning, Hallelujah. I have spent many nights up until 3-4 in the morning terrified she'll leave in the night to 'find a party'. My option is that or hide the keys, in which case I'll get temper tantrums and wild accusations the next day.

Sarcastic hallelujah aside, I do understand she is the one going through immense torment, and that myriad carers on this forum have it so much worse than me. I just get so anxious because I'm young, and now I'm thinking of when I'll be able to leave and get back to my life. I did love my gran but I only met her a dozen times or so before this, she lived far away and we didn't have any special bond and she's not my responsibility. The reason I haven't given up yet is because I am convinced she will die if she is left alone, there's nobody else around to take her on. She has osteoarthritis in a second floor flat, suffered a broken hip and collar bone in the last 3 years, yet has no anxiety about running around and leaving the house. She can't work a television remote, but will fire up the grill, stick mince in a washing machine whatever. To top it off, she's an alcoholic and will always run off if she's not got booze. Even Leo is a hazard, she wants to walk him and he can pull her over easily.

Basically, I feel like I'm trapped with this person. I volunteered for one year, that was my commitment but this person is so frail and far-gone that if an alternative isn't organised I could be stuck here a long time. I can't do my final year in this situation, with her only getting worse I'd have to drop out. A social worker has told us that a care home is being organised but if she refuses then this will be my life until whenever she passes on.

This is so self-centred a post, I do feel guilt about my feelings and putting her in a home but that's another reason why I can't stand this. No matter what you do, you always feel like ****, like you've ****ed up or a horrible person. As noted in the title, this is just a sort of vent.
No, is my response to you, You cannot and must not do this. I honour your reasons for volunteering, I really do, but you can go on supporting her in a home. You must put your studies and your young life first. Please tell social services you cannot do this and they must take responsibility for her now. They have the duty of care not you. Warmest, Kindred aka Geraldine
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
64,377
0
69
Dundee
This isn’t a vent @cronar98. I’m glad you shared here and hope it has helped to get things off your chest.

It sounds as if you are approaching carer breakdown and I don’t think it is realistic for you to be expected to care for your grandmother and also undertake your university studies - or indeed get on with your life.

Are your parents involved in the care? I think you need to make it clear to all concerned that you cannot continue in this way.

It might help you to talk things over with somdone on the Dementia Connect Support Line -


Please keep posting here. You will get lots of support and understanding.
 

cronar98

New member
May 4, 2021
5
0
This isn’t a vent @cronar98. I’m glad you shared here and hope it has helped to get things off your chest.

It sounds as if you are approaching carer breakdown and I don’t think it is realistic for you to be expected to care for your grandmother and also undertake your university studies - or indeed get on with your life.

Are your parents involved in the care? I think you need to make it clear to all concerned that you cannot continue in this way.

It might help you to talk things over with somdone on the Dementia Connect Support Line -



Please keep posting here. You will get lots of support and understanding.
Hi Izzy,

Thank you for your kind words and link. The last we spoke to the social they said they were marking her critical for carehome status. I'm sure things can still go wrong or be delayed but there is an end in sight so I'm grateful. I'm past the worst of the stress, it sounds so terrible I think because I've not shared before, so a year of frustration is just coming out a bit odd. Just reading the forums and seeing familiar situations has been really comforting, but I may post again
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,567
0
Southampton
it sounds like a cry for help. you cant really go on not sleeping, chasing your grandmother around outside, then trying to keep up with your own studies which is difficult enough without the extra care for your grandmother. is there anyone that can help until ss find a carehome for your grandmother?
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,119
0
Yorkshire
hello @cronar98
a warm welcome to DTP

you find yourself in an impossible situation which really cannot continue ... it's not right for you .... and quite honestly it is not right for your nan who needs and deserves much more support .... that's not a reflection on you and how much you do, it's a simple fact ... you're not being self-centred, you are being realistic .... you have every right to pursue your own education and ensure a good future for yourself

as long as you are there propping up the situation, it is likely to continue ... but if you are ill, or something unexpected happens on top of all you describe, how on earth will you cope

please contact Social Services again, there should be an emergency number on the website ... tell them everything in your post (write a diary of incidents) .... remind them that you are not responsible for your nan's care, the LA have the 'duty of care' to ensure that she receives the appropriate care for her needs ... say that she is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of harm' due to her behaviour and thru self neglect as she cannot cope without your supervision .... tell them you are making arrangements to find your own accommodation and when you leave your nan will be on her own and you consider that to be a 'safeguarding issue'

I'd also let her GP know the situation and ask if they can refer on to Social Services

you also need to discuss this with your GP and your university tutor, they may be able to help, especially with finding somewhere for you to live

it is not you causing your nan to behave as she does ... the dementia has a strong hold on her and is why she needs to move into residential care .... you are not 'putting' her anywhere, you are the one seeking the support she needs
 

cronar98

New member
May 4, 2021
5
0
it sounds like a cry for help. you cant really go on not sleeping, chasing your grandmother around outside, then trying to keep up with your own studies which is difficult enough without the extra care for your grandmother. is there anyone that can help until ss find a carehome for your grandmother?
Nah, they all live abroad except my dad, who works long hours and has two children. As noted, this was a bit much but it's a year in the making and I wanted to offload it. There's an end in sight, and I've just one exam left. If the carehome plan goes haywire I'll update.
 

cronar98

New member
May 4, 2021
5
0
hello @cronar98
a warm welcome to DTP

you find yourself in an impossible situation which really cannot continue ... it's not right for you .... and quite honestly it is not right for your nan who needs and deserves much more support .... that's not a reflection on you and how much you do, it's a simple fact ... you're not being self-centred, you are being realistic .... you have every right to pursue your own education and ensure a good future for yourself

as long as you are there propping up the situation, it is likely to continue ... but if you are ill, or something unexpected happens on top of all you describe, how on earth will you cope

please contact Social Services again, there should be an emergency number on the website ... tell them everything in your post (write a diary of incidents) .... remind them that you are not responsible for your nan's care, the LA have the 'duty of care' to ensure that she receives the appropriate care for her needs ... say that she is a 'vulnerable adult' who is 'at risk of harm' due to her behaviour and thru self neglect as she cannot cope without your supervision .... tell them you are making arrangements to find your own accommodation and when you leave your nan will be on her own and you consider that to be a 'safeguarding issue'

I'd also let her GP know the situation and ask if they can refer on to Social Services

you also need to discuss this with your GP and your university tutor, they may be able to help, especially with finding somewhere for you to live

it is not you causing your nan to behave as she does ... the dementia has a strong hold on her and is why she needs to move into residential care .... you are not 'putting' her anywhere, you are the one seeking the support she needs
Thanks very much for your advice, and you're right she does deserve much more support. I've already been on the social and they've set her critical for a care home so I'll set a deadline for the 10th for the social to give me an update before I get back on them. The academic year is a hair off finished for now, so I'm spending more time with her than ever, I can afford to wait a bit longer. Hopefully it all pans out. Thanks again!
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
602
0
@cronar98 , you are doing well. My son is in his third year and asking for extensions...even though my mum has good and bad days out resilience is low.
If you haven’t already done it tell your tutor just in case something goes wrong before your last exam. You could defer taking it until the resits in
August/September and because it would be a deferral you probably wouldn’t be capped at 40.
Once the study is over get the **** out of it, live your life .. I would never want my son to do what I have to
Do!!
Good luck with your finals
 

AwayWithTheFairies

New member
Apr 21, 2021
6
0
@cronar98 thanks for writing this, a mum here with early stages LO mum of my own, and two girls your age, just in case they were ever tempted to volunteer like you have, or even be asked by me or my DH, I will oppose it and make sure they run a mile! It really is hard enough being a student. That said, I think the world of you for stepping up like this- well done!
 

cronar98

New member
May 4, 2021
5
0
@cronar98 thanks for writing this, a mum here with early stages LO mum of my own, and two girls your age, just in case they were ever tempted to volunteer like you have, or even be asked by me or my DH, I will oppose it and make sure they run a mile! It really is hard enough being a student. That said, I think the world of you for stepping up like this- well done!
Thank you for your kind words. This is the worst of it here for me, but I am also thankful for the personal growth I've felt and the amazing experiences I've had with her. Can't say I'd tell a young person to do it, but there are benefits to it