Just Need to Waffle a bit...

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by jks, Jan 3, 2008.

  1. jks

    jks Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    67
    West Yorkshire
    I don't post here too often - more of a lurker really. I just want to rant a bit if you don't mind.

    My Dad has deteriorated so much in the past few weeks. Mum is 82 and in a wheelchair following a stroke, and she is at the end of her tether with him. His behaviour gets more and more difficult to cope with, I have spend ages with them tonight, trying to persuade Dad that he must not go out tonight - he is saying that he must 'go home'.

    They live just a few streets away from me. He gets increasingly agitated, is adamant that he lives somewhere else, and Mum is terrified that he will find the keys and go out. It's bitterly cold here. He raves about us having 'no right to keep him a prisoner' . I'm sitting here with the 24-hr phone number for Social Care Direct, just in case.

    He has always been the most mild-mannered man you could meet - never ever raised his voice, I think the worse word he ever used to say was 'Damn'. He now uses the worse imaginable words - calls my Mum a 'bitch-*******' (sorry if that offends anyone.)

    On Mondays he goes to an Alzheimers day centre. He has always enjoyed it - they have a 'gravy dinner' as he calls it, play games, make a Christmas card or two. The last four weeks they have had to bring him home early, as he got very upset, was crying and screaming. He now believes that, instead of it being run by the nicest ladies you could meet - it's actually run by a gang of prostitutes. :eek:They put him him in a cage, and dance round him - with no pants on. :eek::eek:

    They say that he is still welcome to go there, despite his outbursts, and that they are used to challanging behavoiur. I can't decide what to do - every week it seems to get worse.
    We have the CPN visiting next week, and am going to ask her about some respite care. When Dad is calm, you can sometimes see the man he was through the fog of Alzheimers, and Mum says she will look after him till her dying breath. When he is 'off on one', she says she could cheerfully hold the pillow over his face, if he would keep still.
    D'you know, I don't know who I feel sorry for the most - Dad, who lives in the nightmare of bewilderment that Alzheimers brings, or Mum, whose last years on the planet are being made a living hell. We have regular visits from the CPN, and from various people who take Dad out for an hour or two, our GP is always willing to visit. I go round most days, as do the rest of my family. But it's not enough any more. I can't see any other way forward than to find a nursing home for him.

    Sorry if I've gone on a bit - typing it helps to put my thoughts in order a bit.

    They should be in bed by now....fingers crossed for a peaceful night.....

    jks
     
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear jks,
    It is not seen as waffling, it is getting all the worry and stress out.
    By the sound of it your Parents need a new assessment plan as it appears from your message that your Mother is coming to the end of her tether.
    There is only so may that can be done but there is a time whereby looking at Care Homes for when the time is right, our Mother also has a life as do you.
    In dealing with A.D. is takes of your whole life.
    The CPN should be able to help you. You can also check on the Internet regarding Care Homes.
    I wish you all the best. Christine
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,895
    Kent
    This condition is torture for the sufferer, the carer and anyone else who is involved.

    It sounds as if your father`s behaviour has now become too challenging for your mother to handle. I sometimes think people go on and on caring because they just don`t have the strength to change things.

    Please get some constructive help and advice from the CPN. If he has to be kept locked in the house, it`s too much worry for anyone.
     
  4. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear JKS

    But it's not enough any more. I can't see any other way forward than to find a nursing home for him. I sincerely agree, having read your post. Your Mum is obviously a real super-woman but even she cannot keep going much longer.

    It is wonderful that you and your family are supportive of them both, but it is no longer feasible to keep going.

    You may need to help your Mumaccept that a home is the best thing for your Dad, as she may feel she is letting him down. Please stress to her that she can enjoy her last few years with him if she can visit him as his loving wife rather than acting as his "jailer". Sounds harsh, but this is what she has become sadly - due to your Dad's condition.

    This is such a sad and difficult time for your Mum, your Dad, you and all your family. My very best wishes for a successful resolution QUICKLY!
     
  5. Lotti

    Lotti Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    52
    Hi jks
    I know just how you feel, only the other way round, dad looking after mum (who used to be so mild) - now shouts at him for locking her in, wants to go home all the time, or just decides to put on her coat and off she goes, but like your mum, is not well himself having had two heart attacks and now crippled with rheumatoid arthritis, therefore cannot run after her so calls me. I don't post much here either but am on reading every day and it does help knowing you are not alone. Mum had to go into emi residential in November as dad had to go into hospital and having a mentally and physically handicapped son myself could not look after her, I feel she is in the best place, she has settled, does not ask for dad, but dad still wants her home - but also does not want help from anyone outside. It is so hard watching both parents suffer towards the end of their lives when they have worked hard all their life.
    I sympathise with you and do not feel at all that you were waffling.
    Regards
    Lotti
     

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