Just need to unload


Registered User
May 26, 2012
Hi I I am new to TP and have not posted much before but do keep in touch with all the posts. I just feel the need to off load a bit to day.

My dad 87years has VD and a long list of other medical problems he lives in sheltered housing with my brother we have just about been managing with carers twice a day me going every afternoon and brother at night, my brother has been diagnosed with throat cancer and is in hospital awaiting surgery I have been looking after dad in his own home for the last three weeks but now have to make a decision on what to do next. I have had a meeting with the care agency and have asked the SW to come and do another assessment on dad but her reply was why don't you you use your respite vouchers my reply was I'm looking for a long term solution not a quick fix after much deliberation have decided to take dad to live with me for the time being thought all was well till yesterday dad been to day care came back very agitated this went on all night wanting to go home not to his bungalow but to his mothers house in Scotland (not lived their for fifty odd years) and wants his mother to look after him. Got very aggressive never seen this before but brother has. Am now wondering if I have done the right thing but can not go on living at the bungalow indefinitely my dad lives twenty miles away so carers four time a day and no back up at night was very worrying. any help/ advice will be warmly welcomed and thanks for reading.

Big Effort

Account Closed
Jul 8, 2012
Dear Grandmaj,
I know exactly how you feel. We face exactly this situation with Mum. She has lived with us, but is suddenly declining rapidly, confabulation, aggression if I argue to toss, totally dependent on us, here in France the winters are icy so she cannot wander......
Care home looks like the only option, but I know this will totally gut Mum. Home and family is what counts for her. Added to this I need to work, we need the income, so if I am away during the day, in winter what if she goes out.....
Like you, all these add up to a lot of stress and no easy, kind solution is in sight. We are now considering moving into her house over the winter, while my husband does some much needed home decorating - so he supervises during the day while I earn an income, and we share duty at night. Instinct tells me that by spring she will have deteriorated to such a point that home care is impossible and she will HOPEFULLY welcome a care home.
It is hard decisions all the way. I wish I could wave a wand and solve all these things for both of us. Your brother will need time to recuperate too.... so yet another twist in an already complicated situation. The worst of it is, it matters. We want our loved ones to be comfortable and happy...... is there a place for comfort and happiness when one suffers from dementia?
I know I haven't answered your question, but I do understand where you are at. Best wishes for a speedy and workable solution for all three of you. Love BE


Registered User
Jun 4, 2012

Sorry to hear about your brother and your father with all the problems. Speaking from experience throat cancer and the treatments can take a long time to recover from and your brother will need a lot of support, help etc, so my advice would be to start looking for a suitable care home in the area for your father, as you cannot and should NOT have to try to spilt yourself in two to manager care/help/etc for two people who through no fault of their own have difficult illnesses to manage, as you will need plenty of inner strength and resources, so not having to worry about father being unmanageable is at least an issue with a solution, not the best I realise but one that would allow you to still care and support your brother.

Good luck and stay strong