Just about sums it up !!!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Anniebell, Mar 22, 2015.

  1. Anniebell

    Anniebell Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    Hi I saw my neighbour today hav'nt seen her for a while what with work and mum she asked after mum and I told her she had been diagnosed with AD "Oh dear that's your life over for a while then" took me back a bit I must say I was expecting an oh I am sorry at least a bit unfeeling I thought x
  2. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    My Mum used to have regular visits from many of her neighbours, now it is hardly anything at all. One has said she cannot deal with it, the other has said she does not know what to say to the endless questions and oddities that go with this disease. So now its all down to me and my daily visits. Thank goodness for this site and the opportunity to offload occasionally.
  3. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Your mum's neighbour may not have put it in the best way, but it does sound as though she at least understands the implications......even if she thinks it is down to you to deal with them :(

    I hope you have some support Anniebell and Flake :) Say I who is in much the same position as you........xx
  4. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    TBH, I think I'd prefer that to " Ahh Bless" which I find very irritating :(

    However blunt it sounded, at least it shows she thinks beyond the "fluffy" image of dementia.

    I can understand her response took you a bit by surprise though and am sorry you felt upset x

    Lin x
  5. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    If someone else says 'ah bless' here again I think we will both scream out loud for a very long time. How do such meaningless phrases gain currency?
  6. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Grey Lad I travelled back from Spain with a young girl who was coming to work and improve her English. As she left the plane an English woman wished her luck and said "enjoy". Sylvia turned to me baffled and asked in Spanish what this woman meant. It is such a stupid thing to say to anyone just as a verb hanging in the air that I just told her it was poor English and to be sure not to copy it.
  7. Jess26

    Jess26 Registered User

    Jan 5, 2011
    Or the equally irritating 'Oh, it comes to us all' implying that it's only age related memory loss. :mad::mad:
  8. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    I have to say I am rather surprised by some posts on here. I wouldn't be annoyed by something someone said to me, if they were trying to be kind or understanding.
  9. Anniebell

    Anniebell Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    are you referring to grey lads post or mine I was under the impression that this forum was for people to get things off there chest to people who understand x
  10. Anniebell

    Anniebell Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    Thanks Lindy it's my neighbour not mums and like you say she at least understands the implications love Annie x
  11. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    It is!
  12. Anniebell

    Anniebell Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    Thanks Flake it's my neighbour not mums but know what you mean some of mums neighbours have become a little distant and yes thank goodness for this site love Annie x
  13. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    I find my patience for people's stupid sayings have worn thin since caring for my Mum, and I have probably been guilty of saying some of the stupid pointless things.

    I think it's because I probably think they're not taking my Mum's AD seriously - it's like they don't realise it's a terminal disease.

    I'm probably not being fair or logical though, but between living with my mum, and working full time I've no doubt got a bit of Carers Stress!
  14. BusyLiz

    BusyLiz Registered User

    Mar 22, 2015
    West Sussex
    Hi, I think these types of phrases are borne out of ignorance in the true sense of the word, in the same way as when you lose your husband or wife, such as when my mother in law died, my father in law received comments like " you will find someone new when the time is right". He was incensed at this at the time. I wonder if it is to do with people feeling awkward and not knowing what to say so babble to fill in the silence. My thoughts are with you.
  15. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    I think it is usually due to people wanting to say something, not knowing what to say, and falling back on cliches. I agree it can be very irritating but try to acknowledge the intent, if not the execution.

    I have to say the phrases that drive me round the bend are: "I don't want to visit because I want to remember him/her as he/she was" - this is the most enraging to me and the classic "Does she know who you are?" - this asked when my mother was first diagnosed and she most definitely knew who I was. Many years on, when she doesn't know who I am I get the reverse "I'm sure she knows who you are". Really, sometimes people are quite astonishing.
  16. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    #16 Linbrusco, Mar 22, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2015
    Annibell, well that was pretty blunt. I would be upset too.

    Must admit I haven't had any comments (yet) as such when people ask about my Mum with AD and Dad with MCI.
    What I do I get fed up with though are comments like
    " oh you are soo good"
    " you're such a good daughter"
    " you have so much patience"
    " your so good to your parents"
    " you're doing a great job"

    Maybe I'm being ungrateful with these comments but they are my parents, I love them, and its not a job (not one I would wish for)
    I would rather much somone say " Oh that must be hard for you, is there anything I can do to help" :)
  17. Anniebell

    Anniebell Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    Thankyou linbrusco I thought it was a bit blunt too love Annie x
  18. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    I think what was said to Anniebell by the neighbour was a bit blunt but what do you say when someone gives you some news like that out of the blue? Most people just blurt out the first thought that come into their head. I normally go for the "well she had some test and scans and it's turned out..." it give people a clue to expect bad news. Either way up Anniebell you'll encounter a lot more odd reactions sometimes from the strangest of people.
  19. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    I think quite often people feel they should say something and what comes out can be blunt or clichéd. I find that some days I can take it on board better than other times.

    One thing really disappoints me is that "friends" whom we have known for a lifetime do not visit - although they all said they would pop in.
  20. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    I had to pick something up from a parent of my child's friend and she invited me in for a cup of tea. She asked how Mum was, I told her that Mum had had dementia for many years only to have her say 'so it's time she died then'. :eek:

    I was so angry I will never know how I didn't hit her.

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