1. Loobylou36

    Loobylou36 Registered User

    Feb 8, 2016
    8
    Surrey
    I am new to this forum, and there are so many things that I need help with, but I will start with the most immediate problem. A little explanation first.

    My Mum is 92, has heart problems and arthritis, making it difficult for her to walk. She lives on her own about an hour's journey from our home. She was widowed over 40 years ago and my only brother walked away and has had no contact with either of us for around 20 years. My husband and I visit her every week, occasionally more.

    Mum was diagnosed with multi-infarct dementia almost 2 years ago, but, looking back, I think she must have had it for far longer. She will not accept the diagnosis, and most people who meet her probably have no idea that there is anything wrong. She impresses everyone with her independence and other people seem to think she is a really sweet old lady. But, over the years, Mum has become increasingly hostile towards me (starting way back before I even dreamt she might have dementia) and now this has extended to my family - husband, son and daughter-in-law. She will go weeks without answering the phone to me - I try phoning every day and just leave a short message when she doesn't answer - and then she will phone out of the blue and announce to whichever of my husband or I answers the phone that she never wants to see or speak to us or our family ever again, says we know why and puts the phone down on us. She did it again last Thursday. We went to visit her as usual today and found that she had the chain on the door (I have a key). After some time, she did come and let us in, but declared that she wanted nothing to do with us. I tried saying that I could see she was angry with me and that I was really sorry if I had done something to upset her, but she simply sneered at me and said that I must be going round the bend if I didn't know what I had done. This has happened so often now and I really don't know how to cope. I feel like walking away, but I know that she only has me. She seems like a real Jekyll and Hyde character. So very different with me to what she is like with others. I know I'm not meant to take it personally, but it is so hard.
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,305
    Merseyside
  3. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,529
    Ireland
    It must be one of the hardest symptoms to cope with, and that's saying something!

    Loobylou, I'm not sure there's anything you can do to change your mum's attitude towards you and your family. As her illness progresses, this phase may very well pass, and she may forget whatever it is that bothers her at the moment. Maybe you remind her of someone else? Who knows.
    However, her present symptoms - this antagonism towards you - means it is not possible nor in her best interests for you to have responsibility for caring for her. And that is no reflection on you at all. The situation may change. Or may not. But at the moment, I think you need to put something else in place. At least talk to her GP, social services etc, and explain that she won't even speak to you on the phone. Maybe they can arrange something.
     
  4. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    441
    #4 Pear trees, Feb 14, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2016
    My mum seems a sweet little old lady outside her home. At her lunch club she is very quiet, has few friends, takes no interests in activities, and only goes for the food. At home she hates vsitors, even family members, and slams the door on everyone except my SIL and I who are now her only visitors. She will grudgingly accept our help with care and cleaning. She has never cooked or done housework. She does not appreciate anything we do for her and insists that no one does anything for her and we leave her to starve, and is verbally abusive, difficult and argumentative. My brother has not seen her in over 3 years, and her grandchildren will not visit anymore as they had the door slammed on them once too often.
     
  5. Loobylou36

    Loobylou36 Registered User

    Feb 8, 2016
    8
    Surrey
    Thank you so much, Cat27. It's such a relief to know that I am not alone in dealing with this. I had already found your link (but thank you anyway) and I am quite sure that I (and my husband) have already done all the Don'ts! but I will make an effort to stick with the Dos in future.
     
  6. Loobylou36

    Loobylou36 Registered User

    Feb 8, 2016
    8
    Surrey
    Thank you to everyone who has replied to my post. Mum does have a lot of links to various organisations in her area, as well as having a carer (organised by Social Services) go in once a day to help with personal care, and I know that she is perfectly charming with them. I will make sure that SS know that Mum is shutting me out at the moment, although I'm not sure what difference that will make.
    I do know that in the past she has simply picked up the phone and cancelled her carers! My son doesn't make the effort to stay in touch any more, as she never seems in the least bit pleased to see him. It's all very sad, really.
     

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