It's all getting too much for us both to cope with.

[daz7576]

I'm writing this in pain and tears, sorry for the excessively long intro.
My dad (68) has Alzheimers, and lives with my mum, he's currently on a drug trial but the results while promising early on have certainly not stopped the progression. Until maybe 5 years ago they had a comfortable existance and my mum had not had to work. Due to going through a divorce, I'm temporarily staying with them, as a 40 year old diagnosed autistic male, I really dont want to be in this situation.
Since my dad stopped being able to work, my mum has ended up working full time to support them both. but the moment she comes back he's intent on occupying all of her time, it's really oppressive controlling behaviour. He sits there inches from her face shouting and berating her, physically stops her from leaving a room, he has on occasions lashed out at my mum, and she'll fight back . I often walk into the room while they are full 'discussion' which normally calms things down a bit as he's embarrassed by his behaviour, or will divert his attention to me, giving my mum a short break.
My mum has so far refused to get other outside help, I have respected this wish as much as I can and have tried to support when possible.
He has a habit of walking right into people's faces and shouting at them, this really triggers my autistic tendencies, and i'll move to establish space, and tell him not to approach me, He tells me "I can do what I want" and refuses to back off.
Yesterday this came to a head, as he decided (not for the first time, although this was the worst) to physically attack me multiple times and i'm in a lot of pain right now.
I was bitten 4 times (removing skin from my arm), punched in the head multiple times, had chunks of hair pulled out, kicked in the legs and groin, headbutted, and sucker punched from behind in the lower spine. At one point he got both hands on my little finger and bent it backwards until it snapped (not exagreration, there is a peice of displaced bone). He also threatened to stab me, throw me off a balcony and get his baseball bat and break my knees. I physically stop him if i'm attacked, but the moment I let go he will attack again. For clarity he always attacked me first and at no point have I struck him although worryingly at points I really wanted to.
I dont know how to cope, and I dont feel it would be safe to leave my mum in this situation, I won't go against her wishes but during the shouting yesterday, I had hoped that it would be overheard by the neighbours, and somebody might do something.
I also don't feel i can get medical attention for the bites, or broken finger in case there is scrutiny of how they happened.

 

[Banjomansmate]

If sorry, but this is a safeguarding situation for both you and your mother. You need to get yourself to A&E to get your injuries seen to and to flag up the state your father is in. The scrutiny you fear is necessary for all of you!

 

[SherwoodSue]

This would be impossible for anyone , being neurodivergent and going through a divorve, I can only imagine

I think the advice to go to A and E is excellent. I would also walk to my local police station and ask to speak to a community police officer. Not to get your father convicted but to make the authorities aware of what’s going on. You need to be very brave and do this for your mum as well as yourself. Once you are back on your feet I am sure you would like a place of your own? What might happen then?

This cannot be allowed to continue. There could be a situation whereby you father was admitted with or without his agreement to a hospital for observation and treatment. Things maybe recoverable, but you won’t know until you get the ball rolling.

I wish you the very best.

 

[SeaSwallow]

@daz7576 Please go to A&E as a matter of urgency, you need these injuries taken care of as soon as possible. Please also call your local adult social services to let them know what is going on, you need to take care of both your mum and yourself. I am sure that you do not want your mum to receive the same injuries as you have.

If you dad starts to physically attach you again or threatens yourself or your mum please dial 999 and ask the police for help, they are trained to deal with these situations. Always keep a fully charged mobile with you and leave the house with your mum if necessary.

In the meantime please contact the Alzheimer's Society's helpline for advice, I have attached their contact details below.

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[daz7576]

Thank you all for your replies, I think the way forward is pretty clear.
Just reaching out on here is emotionally tough, feeling like accepting defeat in a way, admitting we can't cope.
In my head, I can't believe his actions are solely due to Alzheimers, I have been pushing my mum to get an assesment in case there are other issues that can be treated seperately, but I'd hate to be resented for going against her wishes and being 'the one who destroyed the family'. Prior to his Alzheimers, my dad was a very clever guy, and well accomplished in his profession it's so sad to see what he has become, and it feels very much like kicking a man when he's down having to do this. I'll be having a discussion with my mum about how we have to take things forward as soon as I can today.

 

[SherwoodSue]

Do have a chat to your mum but

Be prepared to act anyway. Those feelings you have about… yes, the behaviour is awful…. But dad….

Well, your mum will be having those feelings too, all the more as his wife. She may be secretly relieved if you take the lead on this.

He has abused your mum (whether caused by dementia or not) but he has also abused YOU.

You have the right to act in respect to yourself.

 

[SeaSwallow]

@daz7576 You would not be destroying the family, by getting help you could be saving your mum from injury, you have already been injured because of your father's actions. Please seek help as soon as possible.

 

[Grannie G]

There is no defeat in being unable to manage a severe mental health condition @daz7576 whether the cause is dementia or something else.

Your dad must be dreadfully unhappy to behave in this way and the kindest thing you can do for him is get him some help.

 

[Tilly13]

Hello @daz7576
You've already taken the first step by posting on here and I'm sure you will find lots of advice and support.
I'm sorry to hear how difficult life is for you and your Mum at the present time.
As has been said you do need to get your injuries treated.

Have you thought of making contact with your Dads GP?
It could be that your Dad would benefit from a medication review and are the Drug trial professionals aware of your Dads behaviours?
Is your Dad under the care of local Mental Health Team?
I understand how difficult it feels to start telling people how it really is at home but you all need to be safe.

 

[daz7576]

Thank you all, this is hurting, but helping me. you're all confirming what if i'm honest I already knew in my own head and could not face. It's always been a case of hoping tomorrow is going to be one of his good days, and maybe we'll get an improvement for a while. Unfortunately those days seem to be getting fewer and further apart.
I know it's doubtful, but I can't help but feel everything he does is deliberately destructive both in terms of propery and emotionally, the level of spite with which he talks to those around him is horrible.
In turn I cant honestly believe how much I've come to fear, and on occasion despise him.
As far as i'm aware his GP has been made aware and has been honestly entirely unwilling to do anything, the drug trial team have been great and have passed the information to the GP, along with recommendations for treatment. The local mental health service is unaware of his existance.

 

[Violet Jane]

I agree with everyone else. This has gone far beyond 'family loyalty', 'Dad's dementia is a private family matter' etc. You father is a danger to you and your mother and he might also be a danger to himself. Next time he could do something even worse. Get your wounds treated and contact the GP and Social Services urgently. Your father will probably need to be referred to the community mental health team for appropriate treatment.

Make it clear to your mother that family members are not expected to put up with violence and abuse because the person has dementia. There is treatment available.