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Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by josephinewilson, Mar 16, 2016.
College Girl - I am terrible at taking my own advice
Ah yes I remember that feeling, the certain pessimism, that the home will ring any minute saying "we cant cope with her, come and take her away".
I think that it took me about a month to begin to relax and actually believe the staff at the home when they calmly and reassuringly said "this is what we do, we look after lovely people who have dementia, she really is quite ok here".
I hope that you can get back on top of your work as well as take some time to regroup and just enjoy the visits with your mum; when you aren't thinking about her, others, trained in dementia, will be looking after her, just breathe and relax.
My mum is ok!!
Clueless2 -your comment about the care home people actually being much better able to look after her than I am really gave me a lot of reassurance and I kept thinking about it the last couple of days while I've stayed away to give her a chance to settle. I was reminded of when I took my 11 week old baby to the childminder's 26 years ago when I went back to teaching - I was convinced she would be dead or neglected in a corner when I went back.. and guess what, turned out the childminder had been successfully looking after babies for decades while I was still struggling after 11 weeks - and my daughter was fine
So she went in Wednesday afternoon and I have hung on until now, Friday afternoon, to ring the carehome to see how she is. (They never called me to fetch her home haha!) And guess what? Apparently she has settled fine; she was fine at night; she is chatting to the other ladies and full of smiles -and hasn't mentioned "home" once !!!
Josephine, not for the first time do I wish that there was a "like" button for your last post!
It takes a while for that feeling of "but you won't know what she wants / needs / likes" to go away, it is very similar to leaving your child at school or somewhere new.
Without wishing to bring you down to earth with a big bump, it may not always be plain sailing. The key is to remember that dementia is a progressive condition; never progressing in the "better" direction, but always "worse", slowly taking our mums further away from us. However the home will have experienced all that before and still be the best place for her at this point, allowing you to still have that wonderful time with her, whilst still able to work and have a family life.
Even after 7 months in her care home, my mum can still reduce me to tears, when she has one of those rare moments and says "now you must go along now and see to your family" just like she always did in those wonderful pre dementia days.
I hope that you and your mum both have the best weekends possible, in the moment.
Lol, it's not easy
I'm so pleased to hear that all's going well at the home, that's really good news
Thank you so much for telling us how it went Josephine.we hear so many times of people being distressed and slow to settle (and it's perfectly proper that we should hear that), it's great to hear of a situation where it went well
I hope you are able to relax, catch up on sleep, concentrate on your work and go back to being a daughter.
Wow you made such a good choice with that care home - how lovely to have so many activities and comings and goings, your mum may feel that her life is much less stressful now and much more fun and she still has wonderful visits from you and your sister and.............the dog (bet the other residents loved that too). Fantastic and wonderful to hear about such a caring and engaged home x
I went to visit my mum with son and OH yesterday. I had planned to wait a week before seeing her, as I had explained I am going away on business (which I am, but not until tomorrow) but from the phone call I made on Friday, she seemed so settled I thought I would go anyway, as I figured she probably wouldn't remember my business trip story. Which she didn't. We went first up to her room where a part of me was worried she'd be sitting in there all lonesome but no - she wasn't in there. We then went down to the Lounge and there she was, happily sitting at a table chatting to one of the care attendants and another female resident. She was delighted to see us all, especially her grandson who lives away so she only sees him every few weeks. She introduced us to the care attendants and then offered to give us a tour of her new place, including her bedroom All good news. Then we went back in the lounge and sat in some armchairs and the tea trolley came round. I got a cup of tea too - nobody ever makes me a cup of tea haha; I am always the one who has to do that job
She was absolutely fine and they told me she has been eating loads, no problems at night or getting up in the morning. She stays in the lounge all day with the others. She didnt mention her previous existence at all - has she forgotten it already??? The only slight hint was on several occasions she said "I can't remember where I 've put some of my things" I said I 'd have a look for her. I presume she means some clothes or nicknacks I haven't yet brought, but she doesn't realise they are still back in her old flat. I will bring them a few at at time when I am back from my business trip and then they will magically reappear for her.
It has been just under a year since I joined this forum, when my mum was in the process of being diagnosed and I needed to find out how to organise home care visits. Such a journey, and I want to thank so much everyone on here for their patience and support. I hope now as well as asking, I can also respond to other's queries with the little experience I have gained.
So good to read this Josephine, long may it continue x
I am so pleased your mum is settling so well and I wish I had found all these lovely people on this forum a long time ago.
My mums first week in her care home hasn't been too bad either .....she hasn't got too agitated/angry and is chatting to the carers but very little to other residents. She is eating small meals but they have learnt from experience now not to allow her to eat in her room as found one whole dinner under the bed!
She was very muddled when I went visit as she was hunting for her keys the whole time as she kept saying I cant get out without them. ..but the carers said she wasnt until I arrived so we think I am a memory of her home. She looked out the window and said oh yes that road runs down by the house doesn't it....so im not sure where she thinks she is.
We just both keep having to tell ourselves that its the best place for our mums dont we? safe/warm/fed/stimulated
.........still feeling very guilty but also relaxing a little that she is ok
Josephine, you were SO worried and anxious that I'm extra glad to hear about your positive experience with the care home. I hope you are able to let go a little bit and get some rest and do what you need to do, with the worry/anxiety being less of a burden for you.
I think the care home and the staff sound lovely and hope things continue to go well.
Cat64, sorry you are still feeling upset and guilty but hope that as time goes on, you and your mum might both feel more settled. I was definitely a reminder of "home" (and all things negative) for my mother and actually did not visit her for almost two months after she moved in the care home. My husband went, as he did not trigger the anxiety/upset/vitriol. My mother is much, much more settled now (it's been a year).
You are right, we all just have to keep telling ourselves, she is safe, warm, well fed, has company, gets the medicine she needs (and not the ones she doesn't), and it's so much better than how it was.