Is this ' normal....?

[mel]

Hi Abby
I understand that as the disease progresses inhibitions are lost......I haven't found myself in your position but mum has discussed the "making up " after an argument with my dad .....and this is from a lady who would never discuss anything of a sexual nature.....................a little embarrassing hearing the intimate details from your mum.........................

 

[Michael E]

I'd be thinking that he is desperate to hold on to his family and feels he is losing the ability to. so he tris hard as he can, in the ways his body lets him.
May not be normal for us, but he is trying his best.
Unless it becomes too difficult, or inappropriate, I'd let him show his feelings as he can.
Otherwise, just try to keep a distance.

Quite a discreet answer -- My dad who had 'senile dementia' (AKA AD I think,) and was around 90 plus received visits from me in the 'home'... when one of the younger carers went by he would make somewhat obscene gestures and mutter phrases in the mode of .. 'I would like to give her one' or 'great tits'.. This from a man who I never saw flirt or look at any woman other than my mother... Mind you the younger carers were better 'lookers' than some of the other inmates....

I have noticed that Monique 'gropes' the breasts of a friend that visits and declares deepest love for one of the (female) carers whilst at the same time asking me if I am engaged to anyone then suggesting she could do me a sexual favour or two which at least proves she may be bi - as Woody Alan remarked, being gay greatly improves your chances of getting laid on a Saturday night!!

In all seriousness I suspect that people with AD do appear to have sexual frustrations and in some way relate the offering of sex as a way of 'buying' affection... I think they may be so scared and lonely and no longer have any inhibitions.... They mean no harm and like a lot of things with AD it is perhaps just the way it is.. For the recipient of these favours it is best to as Bruce says keep your distance or ignore and accept it ... I suspect it is no big deal for the patient just another way of seeking comfort -

Michael

 

[abby]

I suspect that people with AD do appear to have sexual frustrations and in some way relate the offering of sex as a way of 'buying' affection... I think they may be so scared and lonely and no longer have any inhibitions.... They mean no harm and like a lot of things with AD it is perhaps just the way it is.. For the recipient of these favours it is best to as Bruce says keep your distance or ignore and accept it ... I suspect it is no big deal for the patient just another way of seeking comfort

Thank you Michael appreciate your honest reply............

The 'sexual frustrations ' are they aware they are doing it? And consciously, knowingly try to ' buy affection ' by this method? Is it, as karen also suggested the ' disinhibitor ' within the disease..and they actually don't realise this ' buying ' ?
Also, and with the greatest respect, I can see this situation is naturally easier to deal with should it be your partner...or you mother...but this Dad / daughter one..... I know there should be no difference but it does....and it is something I have to deal with and learn to ignore or live with......but this damn disease has now given me a particularly difficult situation I would never have thought would front itself to me.....and I don't know how, for ME, to deal with it...
I know the problem is mine...I just need to know WHY, HOW and what the hell to do.....

Abby

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Abby, I used to care for my neighbour who was 90. He was an ex-Guardsman, very distinguished, very smart and every inch a gentleman. Before dementia set in, when he passed anyone in the street, he would raise his hat in respect.
As he became more and more confused, the barrack room language increased. He never made any physical move to me but his language was very suggestive. For example, on one occasion, when I`d picked up his prescription, he told me to ask the doctor to give him some Viagra, the next time I went.
He even shocked his Social Worker and the carers in the nursing home, when he became a resident.
It is embarrassing but difficult to discourage, as lack of insight and memory loss are such impediments to solutions.
All I can suggest is you ignore it and distance yourself, until it passes.
Love Sylvia x

 

[abby]

Thank you Sylvia......

So it will pass then...? It's not a permanent thing ?

Abby
x

 

[Grannie G]

No Abby, I don`t think it will pass until the individual loses all animation.

Since posting, I did wonder if one of the causes of this form of behaviour was due to the loss of social skills. After all, because our social skills are quite sophisticated, we know how to behave and how NOT to behave. These are learnt skills based on culture, upbringing, our environment and the society in which we move. Once we lose that insight, perhaps the self- consciousness is lost and we become more basic.

Just a thought. Sylvia

 

[abby]

Ah Sylvia...

Could this fall in line with this ' loss of inhibitions ' ?.....Or are they two seperate issues?

Certainly all dad's 85 years of values, principles and scruples seem to have gone / dissapearing...things that have almost controlled his life are gone......although he is still in his ' Navy days ' and rises at 5.30 and wants clothes folded 12 x 8 inches.....it seems those days are the only routine he has anymore......and is clear, precise and adamant about them
Abby
x

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Abby, and those routines are from his long term memory. Love Sylvia

 

[mel]

That is the one thing that remains firmly fixed in mums memory....... her army days.......even her childhood days are getting lost to her......but she remembers the army accurately and vividly.....Is it the strict routine of the forces do you think?

 

[abby]

Wendy...

I have to say I think it is......Dad was in the Navy for 22 years....and during the war. He went in at 15. He came out after these years totally disciplined and this discipline set an almost life long infrastructure.....that is the only thing he can hold a 2 way conversation about.....before the war.......during the war but outside his personal world, and after the world is lost / losing.
Day to day this routine is what he lives by.....
Abby
x

 

[Margarita]

am not going into it , but I seen some odd sexual behaviour with my mother that I feel is to privet to say on hear or to anyone.

My mother was never one to talk about sex to me also,So it was a big shock seeing my mother doing what she did but seeing that we are talking openly I always did wonder it was the disease and what Sylvia said

These are learnt skills based on culture, upbringing, our environment and the society in which we move. Once we lose that insight, perhaps the self- consciousness is lost and we become more basic.

thats way I left that link a while ago .



It has pass

 

[abby]

thats way I left that link a while ago .

Margarita...
I am so sorry if i have caused you / anyone distress...upset.....

Abby
x

 

[jenniferpa]

It's one of the taboos in society: sexuality and the elderly. Add it to another taboo, sexuality and the dementia sufferer and you've got a whole load of roiling emotions. Nobody wants to talk about it (least of all the professionals) so everyone pussy-foots around the issue, but it's still an issue. No solutions of course, but I think it's a real disservice not to talk about it, at least to some extent, otherwise everyone thinks they're the only ones who are dealing with it. Mind you, it would be fair to say I haven't had to deal with it, or rather not yet, so I can afford to take a more intellectual approach.

Jennifer

 

[Margarita]

No not at all, it’s good to be able to finally talk or should I say type about it openly, that its not only my mother. I can now believe it’s not my mother its all part of the AZ. It only gets embarrassing now when my mother talks openly about sex, she pass that other stage , I say thank-god my children do not understand Spanish , my mother is obsessive about meeting a man and what would happen sexually if she went out with a man . It is just that you just do not except your mother or grandmother to say things like that. I find it is boredom , what else has my mother got in her memory’s 56 years with my father only man she been with , she knows not a lot beside being with a man ( My dad ) .

 

[abby]

Jennifer.......

I agree......and I believe it is no different than the memory loss or ' spacial awareness ' etc...of AD. If it is something that COULD happen then why can't it be mentioned / discussed ?

Gawd.... I really beat myself up over posting this in the first place...felt like i was really letting my Dad down soooo much but I HAD to, at least get some idea...mostly for me as his carer..the same as I ask the question...' How quick will he move from stage to stage '. What's the difference....all symptoms of AD, it seems. We are the ones giving the taboo......talk about biting your nose of to spite your face......
Surely the taboo problem is ours...not theirs...the stigma and lack of understanding. maybe if we can be open and accepting about this then it will give some solace and support to other ' me's ' who dig deep for the courage to post?
Abby
x

 

[abby]

Thanks for coming back Margarita...makes me feel better

 

[Margarita]

If it is something that COULD happen then why can't it be mentioned / discussed?

No the feeling, also it could be like says Sylvia

These are learnt skills based on culture, upbringing, our environment and the society

So people do not like talking about that Sexual side because they still have that insight, self- consciousness is not lost and don't became more basic.

[/QUOTE]

felt like i was really letting my Dad down soooo much.

just how I was feeling about my mother

 

[Helena]

Something defintely goes awry when Dementia strikes

My Mother was given a box of chocolates in the hospital and she proceeded to feed them "up down under" .........gobsmacked was not the word we used

 

[abby]

Ok I have worked out...been shown.....this is a taboo subject.......but, here, on TP, a support network should it be?

We all happliy discuss incontinence, single or double, along with many other aspects...but clearly not this side of AD.......

I don't want to discuss intimate details........just asked the question of acknowleging and dealing with the general problem. While I really appreciate the reply's there does seem a concensus that the 'issue ' should be ignored, or lived with. And that's it.
OK I am not getting across what I mean...Here we go..an analogy....I post....

'MY Dad is 85 and diagnoised with AD - what should i do? '

There would be many many posts advising on my legal position ( EPA ) get Attendance Allowance / DLA......and practical advise.....much support.....and it would be overflowing...and for that I would be / have been so grateful......BUT because this side of AD is what? socially unacceptable?.....scary?...hard to admit publically? shameful? I feel a ' shut down ' with polite but ' accept it or ignore it ' and the thread is happily sent down the pile by lack of response......

Why? I bet this is a bigger problem that many will admit.........why..double incontinence is a failed function and a product of AD ..........so it seems is this....what's the difference ...really?

Ok, said my piece......will wait to be banned........

Abby
x

 

[jenniferpa]

You know, I don't think people are deliberately ignoring the subject, but you have to recognise who posts on this board. I'm not sure of the perecentages but probably half of the regular posters are caring for a spouse, which means any sexual issues come into a different group. Then women tend to live longer than men, and women still tend to be primary carers. Therefore there aren't actually many people who are caring for a parent of the opposite sex, which would be where the more difficult aspects of this behaviour would be more obvious.

Jennifer