Is this grief?

[CWR]

My husband too remained sweet, affectionate and gentle even though I had to work very hard to stay patient, and even now I think ‘how could I have been kinder, more patient, more, well everything...?’ I have to remind myself that he couldn’t help it, that he was not the man he had been, that he always said he was happy and contented at home with me, and that he loved me. I was able to nurse him to the end, with some help, because he never had the severe behavioural symptoms or physical symptoms such as incontinence of dementia, but the other side of this was to witness it all and that remains a painful memory. I looked back the other day to this time last year and that was the time I first realised that he was starving himself involuntarily. Six long months to witness this does take it out of you so I guess some reaction is bound to follow. I don’t think I shall look back again. The last two lines of the poem He is Gone by David Harkins sum it up which I hope it is okay to quote here.
‘You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.’

You summed up my own experience and feelings. Mum often said: You've changed, once she said Iove you very much but you hurt me. If I had my time over, I would have tried harder, I think the problem was that I was denying what was happening, I was giving her bilberry powder in her yogurt, trying everything to combat the dementia, but when there were toileting issues, I felt: whats the point? I know I have a lot to be grateful for; she went to church nearly every Sunday, to daycare on Mondays and to the lunch club the rest of the week. And on her deathbed she took my hand and kissed it, which, in my mind, meant that she forgave me for my thoughtlessness.It's funny; if I think too much about her, I get tearful, then if I don't think about her, I feel guilty. I do wish I had recorded her beautiful Irish voice more often. It's a balance between holding on and letting go. I'm not sure I have the right balance at present.

 

[Grahamstown]

I love that poem and had it read out at the interment of my husband’s ashes. This is the link to the whole poem if anyone would like to read it -

He is gone – a poem by David Harkins

Two close friends have recently lost their fathers. I was at the funeral of one of them yesterday and this poem by David Harkins was read out: He is gone You can shed tears that he is gone Or you c…

notallwomenarethesame.wordpress.com

I have chosen that too, @Izzy when we scatter the ashes tomorrow, my children, some of the grandchildren and myself. I am taking them for lunch afterwards. It’s a lovely poem and apparently the Queen read it at her mother’s funeral. I know that the pain remains for you too even after time has past, for your lovely man. Death has to happen but not with this disease, that’s all. To have them taken from us long before death comes is pain indeed.

 

[Grahamstown]

No tears yet! Maybe cos I had cried so for the last two years...Seeing him lose his mobility seeing him trying so hard,

Oh how true this is and it does break your heart. If I think of his valiant struggles I do break down, but I don’t cry as much as I did when he was alive. I think crying is beneficial because it put you in touch with your deepest feelings and face them.