Is this grief?

[Lady M]

My first post on this part of the forum ....My beloved OH died 6weeks ago.......yes I was with him...Yes it was ‘a good death’ yes we all celebrated a life well lived......yes I was strong...so why do I feel so awful full!!!
If anyone else tells me...your strong you’ll carry on! Or he would want you to..etc etc...I was even told Well you’re a tough old bird!!!!!
Is this grief...I feel I am on the outside looking in on life! Is this a safety measure..to enable me to cope!
I feel this dreaded Covid pandemic has robbed me of support...my boys are been great but again are grieving......but nobody else..nobody has been able to offer a hug, a shoulder.....or even a ‘sorry’ ...I don’t want to turn into a bitter self centred ‘widow’ hate that title!!!!! I feel I’m rambling so will stop.......

 

[Veritas]

My first post on this part of the forum ....My beloved OH died 6weeks ago.......yes I was with him...Yes it was ‘a good death’ yes we all celebrated a life well lived......yes I was strong...so why do I feel so awful full!!!
If anyone else tells me...your strong you’ll carry on! Or he would want you to..etc etc...I was even told Well you’re a tough old bird!!!!!
Is this grief...I feel I am on the outside looking in on life! Is this a safety measure..to enable me to cope!
I feel this dreaded Covid pandemic has robbed me of support...my boys are been great but again are grieving......but nobody else..nobody has been able to offer a hug, a shoulder.....or even a ‘sorry’ ...I don’t want to turn into a bitter self centred ‘widow’ hate that title!!!!! I feel I’m rambling so will stop.......

Short answer? Yes, of course it is.

I'd strongly suggest Virginia Ironside's 'You'll Get Over It'. She wrote the book having been surprised by her reaction after her father died. It's really good (if somewhat robust in places, but I don't mind that) and very honest about the range of feelings grieving people can experience.

You feel awful for all sorts of reasons, some of which may feel wholly irrational - but they aren't. You've been through a major loss (and not one that happened quickly either, this has taken years) and you are allowed to feel sad, feeble, detached, lonely, you name it. Whatever you're feeling, it's normal and OK. If you find yourself really desperate for a listening ear, try the Samaritans or Cruse on www.cruse.org.uk.

 

[canary]

Yes of course its grief - and after only 6 weeks its still very raw.

Before mum died I thought I had done all my grieving, but when she did die I discovered that there was a whole lot more.

Have a ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) from me. I know its only virtual, but it is sincerely meant. I wish I could give you a real one.

 

[jaymor]

It is indeed normal @Lady M. It’s very early days for you and Covid has changed our lives so much giving us more problems to deal with.

I lost my husband just under four and a half years ago and on the whole life is good but there are days when it’s not. I tend to just sit them out, I can’t change anything, sometimes I don’t even know what caused the downturn.

You move forward the way that suit you, in your own time and your own way and we are here for you.

 

[AlisonI]

I too lost my husband 8 weeks ago. Sometimes it feels like years ago and others like I am reliving his last days all over again. He died at home and although I got lots of help from nurses and carers I was still on my own with him 23hrs a day until he died. I hope he knew that I did my best for him but sometimes I worry that I didn't and maybe I shouldn't have a agreed so readily to a syringe driver with morphine etc. or should have tried harder to feed him when he didn't want to eat but he had suffered for a long time with dementia and was tired of it all, as was l. There was no funeral and the headstone still hasn't been engraved yet which in some absurd way I think will bring me a bit of closure.
I can really empathise with you as I feel so disconnected with everything. All my dreams of freedom and what I could do with my time after 10 years as a carer don't seem real and I can't be bothered to do anything more than I ever did which was basically go to Tesco and back home again! Everyone says time is a great healer so I suppose I must just wait.

 

[Izzy]

I just want to echo what others have already said @Lady M - it absolutely is grief.

I lost my husband 4 years ago on 31st July so like others I can understand how you are feeling. I found this clip about grief really illustrated how I have felt and am feeling. The diagram describes exactly how I see grief.

I’m glad you shared here. You know you are amongst people who understand.

 

[kindred]

I lost my husband a year ago. When I feel very low, I tell myself that grief is normal. But it feels like an illness.
I work very hard almost as though I feel that if I really really work hard I will deserve my husband to come back to me.
Warmest. Kindred

 

[Veritas]

@Izzy
Thank you for posting that video - really useful insights in there.

Other things about grief that I've come across include the notion of 'disenfranchised' grief - when you are grieving but "shouldn't" be - eg when an ex has died - this one can be really hard to talk about because a common response is, "it was your ex, for goodness sake, why should it matter to you that they've died?" When someone dies after a long and horrible illness such as dementia, we're supposed to feel relieved and think of it as a 'merciful release' - which it may well have been, but that doesn't necessarily reduce the pain of it all. There are insensitive souls out there though who will not understand that the grief is real and just as legitimate as if the person who has died did so suddenly or without having experienced the terrible decline that we see in dementia (and other degenerative conditions).

Another diagramatic representation of grief I've seen is the 'Ball and the Box' - see www.twitter.com/LaurenHerschel/status/946887540732149760. Curiously, it's the reverse of the diagram mentioned in the video, but both make sense to me in their different ways. One of the toughest things I've found about grief over the years is that as the weeks and months let alone years go by that feeling of leaving the person you lost behind is really strong, and brings with it a kind of guilt that you are still here and carrying on, as well as the sadness of just plain wishing they were still around and in their prime. Equally, there are days when the grief ball gets bigger again and hits the pain button unexpectedly.

 

[Izzy]

That’s interesting too @Veritas. I can see that they both make sense in different ways and it doesn’t matter which one helps us.

I can also understand what you said about the feeling of leaving the person behind. For me it’s the losing of connections that hits me. I traded my car in for a new one this week. The night before I had to take the old car up to the garage to pick up the new one I had an awful feeling of butterflies in my tummy. The next morning I was really emotional and upset. I realised pretty quickly that it was because I losing the last car BIll and I had been in together. I was losing a connection with him.

 

[Veritas]

That’s interesting too @Veritas. I can see that they both make sense in different ways and it doesn’t matter which one helps us.

I can also understand what you said about the feeling of leaving the person behind. For me it’s the losing of connections that hits me. I traded my car in for a new one this week. The night before I had to take the old car up to the garage to pick up the new one I had an awful feeling of butterflies in my tummy. The next morning I was really emotional and upset. I realised pretty quickly that it was because I losing the last car BIll and I had been in together. I was losing a connection with him.

Yup - I felt exactly the same when I traded in the car I had used to drive my father to his radiotherapy sessions - he was someone who absolutely hated being driven by anyone else, but by then he simply wasn't up to it so he had to be my passenger instead. Likewise when my stepmother sold his car, which she drove for two or three years after he died.

 

[Grahamstown]

I am 80, lost my beloved husband 6 months ago, and ask myself ‘what is there to live for?’, and I answer, ‘life itself’ which is all I can manage, because grief doesn’t end, it just waxes and wanes, gets further away and then closer, and I carry on living. The further away his death the more I cannot believe that he is dead, it’s all so unreal that I too feel like life is dreamlike.

 

[Izzy]

Thinking of you @Grahamstown.

 

[kindred]

I am 80, lost my beloved husband 6 months ago, and ask myself ‘what is there to live for?’, and I answer, ‘life itself’ which is all I can manage, because grief doesn’t end, it just waxes and wanes, gets further away and then closer, and I carry on living. The further away his death the more I cannot believe that he is dead, it’s all so unreal that I too feel like life is dreamlike.

With you with all my heart.
We carry our grief with us. It is unreal, I so agree. All I live for is to be useful, but that’s all I’ve ever lived for ...you are so right, life itself ...thank you.
Warmest, kindred

 

[CWR]

I think the worst thing is the famous Kubler -Ross idea of stages. if only it was as simple as that. I find that I go back and forth. One day someone who hasnt seen me for ages will ask: How is your mother? and I will be fine, the next day I won't be. There's no way knowing how I will be on any day . I will admit my initial feelings were of relief, but as time has gone by, I think more of her as she was before the dementia.Even tho' she remained a sweet, affectionate wee woman up to the end, the last years were nerve-wracking as I worried all the time about her falling and hurting herself .The worst thing about grief is the 1 step forward 2 steps back; it will hit you when you least expect it. Feel free to come on here any time. I have found it very helpful to vent my grief on here, knowing that others understand what I have gone through.

 

[kindred]

I think the worst thing is the famous Kubler -Ross idea of stages. if only it was as simple as that. I find that I go back and forth. One day someone who hasnt seen me for ages will ask: How is your mother? and I will be fine, the next day I won't be. There's no way knowing how I will be on any day . I will admit my initial feelings were of relief, but as time has gone by, I think more of her as she was before the dementia.Even tho' she remained a sweet, affectionate wee woman up to the end, the last years were nerve-wracking as I worried all the time about her falling and hurting herself .The worst thing about grief is the 1 step forward 2 steps back; it will hit you when you least expect it. Feel free to come on here any time. I have found it very helpful to vent my grief on here, knowing that others understand what I have gone through.

Oh thank you and I so so agree about the stages of grief theory, I have known this cause real suffering when people ask bereaved if they are stuck at a certain stage ...
Part of grief for me is the struggle for meaning to go on. This forum is a great help for this. Thank you all. Kindredx

 

[Duggies-girl]

I think the worst thing is the famous Kubler -Ross idea of stages. if only it was as simple as that. I find that I go back and forth. One day someone who hasnt seen me for ages will ask: How is your mother? and I will be fine, the next day I won't be. There's no way knowing how I will be on any day . I will admit my initial feelings were of relief, but as time has gone by, I think more of her as she was before the dementia.Even tho' she remained a sweet, affectionate wee woman up to the end, the last years were nerve-wracking as I worried all the time about her falling and hurting herself .The worst thing about grief is the 1 step forward 2 steps back; it will hit you when you least expect it. Feel free to come on here any time. I have found it very helpful to vent my grief on here, knowing that others understand what I have gone through.

Yes the nerve wracking stuff has gone, no more of being on high alert every waking moment. The relief was huge but I miss him terribly especially his quick wit. He made me laugh every day.

Perhaps if we could get on with a normal life it would be easier. I would love to have a natter with a friend but I have only been able to meet with one and that was last week. I feel like I have just gone from one sofa to another. I need to talk about dad and I want to go and see his sister but not possible at the moment as it is a long journey.

I would like some time alone really but I can't get that either.

 

[Grahamstown]

she remained a sweet, affectionate wee woman up to the end,

My husband too remained sweet, affectionate and gentle even though I had to work very hard to stay patient, and even now I think ‘how could I have been kinder, more patient, more, well everything...?’ I have to remind myself that he couldn’t help it, that he was not the man he had been, that he always said he was happy and contented at home with me, and that he loved me. I was able to nurse him to the end, with some help, because he never had the severe behavioural symptoms or physical symptoms such as incontinence of dementia, but the other side of this was to witness it all and that remains a painful memory. I looked back the other day to this time last year and that was the time I first realised that he was starving himself involuntarily. Six long months to witness this does take it out of you so I guess some reaction is bound to follow. I don’t think I shall look back again. The last two lines of the poem He is Gone by David Harkins sum it up which I hope it is okay to quote here.
‘You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.’

 

[Izzy]

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.’

I love that poem and had it read out at the interment of my husband’s ashes. This is the link to the whole poem if anyone would like to read it -

He is gone – a poem by David Harkins

Two close friends have recently lost their fathers. I was at the funeral of one of them yesterday and this poem by David Harkins was read out: He is gone You can shed tears that he is gone Or you c…

notallwomenarethesame.wordpress.com

 

[Duggies-girl]

@Grahamstown Yes your husband and dear sweet dad followed such a similar path and when I look back I don't know how I did it. Looking back is hard but at this time it is difficult to go forward.

I searched for the poem and it is helpful. Made me cry a bit but that's normal.

 

[Lady M]

A quick reply to all, firstly thank you one and all...
Secondly, Iknow of course it’s grief!!! But I really wasn’t prepared although in my heart I thought I was...
No tears yet! Maybe cos I had cried so for the last two years...Seeing him lose his mobility seeing him trying so hard,
It’s a year this week that he left for hospital , never to return to live with me, but to the wonderful ‘hair comb’ his words! First I suppose of many anniversaries!
I have watched the suggested clips on you tube.....interestingl....
I just wish I wasn’t getting the flash backs of his actual passing...and yet the funeral day seems unreal and I feel I’ve forgotten it!
I know how this pandemic has and continues to effect as all.....we must stay strong!!
We've all been strong in our own way dealing with the care and issues of our deceased love ones...we can be strong for ourselves...
Another day and my view is so different!!!!!?????
Thank you once again for the replies...