Is this a normal part of settling into his care home?

[snowygirl]

So yesterday I visited dad in his new care home with mum. Dad hadn't seen us for a week and when I walked into the lounge there he was on his own crying! He was so upset and clung to me so tightly that I ended up crying too. He couldn't explain what was happening to him of course mumbled something about not understanding and getting married and then hugged mum tightly kissed her ring finger and said 'but I'm already married!' It was a very emotional ten minutes.

I think what had happened was that he saw us through the lounge window waiting to be let in and because he had five minutes it gave him time to get upset having not seen us for sometime. At the home they said he had been asking for mum yesterday but had been fine that day.

The trouble is although we then spent another 2 hours with him talking but mainly looking at a photo album and he was laughing and smiling and seemed ok when we went I just cant get that vision of him crying out of my head. I keep asking all the questions like 'why was he alone in that room?' 'why was he really crying?' 'Is there another reason for his upset?' I feel worse now than before and I'm wondering is this just the settling in period and will he/I settle down to it all? Has anyone else experienced this with their loved one? The trouble is I never saw him cry the 5 weeks previous when he was in assessment and he was without mum then so why the upset now is it just the upheaval of another place for him so you think?

Thanks.

 

[nellbelles]

My take would be that the new carers may need a little longer to find out more of how your Dad responds in different situations.

My husband used to cry a lot, but as the carers got to know him better they could help distract him.

 

[joggyb]

So yesterday I visited dad in his new care home with mum. Dad hadn't seen us for a week and when I walked into the lounge there he was on his own crying! He was so upset and clung to me so tightly that I ended up crying too. He couldn't explain what was happening to him of course mumbled something about not understanding and getting married and then hugged mum tightly kissed her ring finger and said 'but I'm already married!' It was a very emotional ten minutes.

I think what had happened was that he saw us through the lounge window waiting to be let in and because he had five minutes it gave him time to get upset having not seen us for sometime. At the home they said he had been asking for mum yesterday but had been fine that day.

The trouble is although we then spent another 2 hours with him talking but mainly looking at a photo album and he was laughing and smiling and seemed ok when we went I just cant get that vision of him crying out of my head. I keep asking all the questions like 'why was he alone in that room?' 'why was he really crying?' 'Is there another reason for his upset?' I feel worse now than before and I'm wondering is this just the settling in period and will he/I settle down to it all? Has anyone else experienced this with their loved one? The trouble is I never saw him cry the 5 weeks previous when he was in assessment and he was without mum then so why the upset now is it just the upheaval of another place for him so you think?

Thanks.

I doubt anyone will feel they can give you a definitive answer, but I imagine many TPers will have gone through similar experiences.

For my part, my father generally settled in pretty well at his care home - he never questioned why he was there, never asked to go home, or anything like that. But sometimes when I visit, he's very tearful to start with and seemingly overcome with relief that I'm there (I go every other day, so it's not as though I'm absent for very long). Other days, he's absolutely fine and very cheery. There's simply no predicting how he'll be.

I would hope, for your sake, that your dad becomes less upset over time, but be prepared for that not to be the case, too. Sadly, that's dementia for you.