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Is mum ready for full time care ?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Quack, Apr 28, 2008.

  1. Quack

    Quack Registered User

    Mar 25, 2008
    17
    Yorkshire
    Hi All

    We've had a rough couple of weeks, Mum has AD and Dad is f/t carer. He's just getting over a bad bout of food poisoning which included a week or so in hospital. He's home now but still not 100%. When he went in, we cared for mum at home before we got a weeks emergency respite at a local care home. It appears she settled well there, despite our misgivings and those of the professionals.

    Dad is finding it harder and harder to care for mum, her condition is deteriating so she needs guidence to dress etc and is constantly unsettled at home, wandering around etc.

    We know that full time care is not far away but I can't help feeling we're rushing things. Dad knows that he's struggling at times and although we support him, he can't do all the things he wants to do. But I get the feeling he's not ready to let her go yet.

    Are we right to promote and encourage f/t care home or the local MH facility or wait until he's ready to accept it. I don't want to force him into a decision that he's not happy with.

    I'm fortunate to have two brothers support but our feelings are divided and although we all want the best for M&D, I'm unsure on the timescale.

    Quack
     
  2. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    Quack,

    The time scale is something that everyone struggles with. If your dad is full time carer his health should be looked at too. Perhaps if that will be thr route putting her in before it upsets her too much would be better and your father could visit her daily.

    My concern would be how your father feels, if your brothers and you are there to help alot then I understand their point but ig=f your father is the main caregiver he deserves to have someone step forward and watch his health also.

    I know I probably have not helped but I am a full time care of my mother and I would have never let my dad do it had he had the chance. It just is too much for their age (70's)

    Nancy
     
  3. Quack

    Quack Registered User

    Mar 25, 2008
    17
    Yorkshire
    Full time care

    Thanks Nancy

    I guess I'm looking for my heart to follow my head. I know f/t care is the way to go, but I don't want a knee jerk reaction to Dads illness, although it was made worse by the fact he's so run down.

    In a perfect world I guess we would look at homes and mum would have a couple of spells of respite there initally before it became permanent. But the world doesn't work like that...

    Dad's health is important and we'll all do anything to help him but I just want to know he accepts that he can do no more and I'm not sure he does...

    I've picked up on other threads that family friction comes to the fore at times like this and I must agree. Upto last week my brother and I agreed on things but this past few days our paths are diverting...

    Maybe he's more decisive than I or maybe I'm too close. I'm sorry to ramble but I'm trying to clear my thoughts. It's a period that I'm feeling really isolated and because I'm single, there's no one in my corner...

    Quack
     
  4. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hi Quack

    I care for my Mum, 89 years old but she is comparitively early stage so I haven't had to wrestle with this situation myself yet, so this is just an opinion based on other cases I've read here on TP.

    If your Mum settled quite easily to Respite care, this could well be the right time to capitalise on that success. Your Dad is undoubtedly under huge strain as primary carer, and would probably benefit greatly from 'rolling respite' if that's available for him. If he (and you) knew that he would be getting another break in 12 weeks time (for instance) AND that Mum is content with that, it would help him to cope & feel supported. If such a routine were established, it could ease the path into full-time care when he feels it is necessary.

    BUT - it might actually be necessary now, even the ideal time now given Mum's seeming acceptance. Dad may need to feel that no one would blame hime for taking that decision, which is a terribly difficult one for any family member. NO ONE who hasn't been a full-time family carer has the right to try & compel him(emotionally) to continue to do so beyond his endurance.

    You (& your brothers?) have just had a taste of what caring for Mum at home involves, could you/they do it for a long period? You mention you are single & your brothers are married. Does that mean they & their families are hands-on involved in assisting Dad to cope, or does it mean they expect you, as "without ties", to take on more than they do, I wonder? Leaving that aside, your Dad will be feeling torn - as you are - between 'duty' and what is practical.

    He deserves to be cherished for his own sake now that his life partner is gradually disappearing from him, even if she's still there physically at the moment.

    With sympathy & best wishes
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    I think this is a very importent point. Your dad's health is clearly suffering, and he may secretly be hoping for someone to take the decision out of his hands. Not to tell him what to do, but to ask if it wouldn't be a good idea for your mum to stay where she is, as she's settled so well.


    Absolutely! The decision was taken out of my hands when John went into care, and though it upset me (still does!), I knew it was inevitable. Your dad is going to hate making that decision. Can you help him?

    Just to emphasise the point, a post today on another thread tells of the death of a carer, worn out by looking after his wife.

    I'm not suggesting that you would allow this to happen, just that you should be alert to the necessity to rescue your dad, should it become necessary.

    Good luck,
     
  6. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    Quack,

    I hope we have helped you some. It will be a hard decision for anyone to make, but maybe you can help your father comes to terms with the right decision in an easy way.

    Sometimes we feel as if we are the only in the world with what is going on, maybe you could show him this forum and all the talk and he would see that he is not alone and it would help him make a better decision.

    Lynne and Skye are so right and if you read thru these threads you will see that alot of effort is taken even when our AD patient is no longer home.
     
  7. Quack

    Quack Registered User

    Mar 25, 2008
    17
    Yorkshire
    Full time care

    Thanks folks for all your advice and support.

    I called round last night on the way home from work. Mum was really disorintated and lost, really. Maybe she would benefit from the care and attention that a good home would give her...

    Dad is still not up to par but I think he is coming to the point that he would accept that maybe mum would be better in care.

    Another point which came up was that the GP had suggested getting some meals from Wiltshire Farm Foods...has anyone had any experience of getting meals. Are they or their like any better than the supermarket versions ?
     

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