Is it middle stage or end stage dementia and should my Aunt be in a Care Home?

[Jasper2]

My 85 year old Aunt was discharged from hospital on Care Path 3 after a period of hallucinations and delirium.
She is now comfortable, calm but very tearful and does not want to stay in what is an above average care home
I 'm her nephew 64 and only relative. I tell her she is poorly and she is being observed ... any other thoughts on how to express to her to stay put?
The patients on top floor of her home seem to at later end stage....how do I get the Doctor to really assess her and then explain to her what might come later?? My Aunt is on Memantine and I think this making her feel depressed?
I feel sick myself every day with worry and I have a holiday abroad booked for five nights which all are saying I must take.
Ian

 

[Jessbow]

I wouldnt bother to try and get the Dr to explain- she wont understand the implications

Just keep repeating that she is there to recuperate and can go home when the Dr says she is well enough.
You know, and I know, that day will not come

As she declines she will forget she ever lived anywhere else
Of course you must take your holiday- she is safe and cared for- go while you can, switch off for a bit

 

[Jasper2]

Thank you for the advice
Its very challenging to provide an answer as to when am i going home?
Maybe others have thoughts on this ?

 

[canary]

Its very challenging to provide an answer as to when am i going home?

Indeed it is, which is why we have to employ "love lies". She will not be able to understand the reason why she has to stay in the care home and will simply get distressed. The only way to bridge that gap is to say things like - you can go home when the doctor says so. Its sort of true as if he said she was well, she could come home. I told mum she was convalescing after her recent stay in hospital. Other people have used the love lie that their home has had a burst pipe or is being redecorated.

It usually takes a couple of months for someone to properly settle, but it sounds like she is already starting to settle.

 

[SeaSwallow]

@Jasper2 It is a hard question to deal with, all you can keep repeating is that she can go home when the doctor says she is fit to do so. As @Jessbow says that day will not come.

 

[LostLiz]

I remember telling my mum it was some respite after a stressful time. And put the positive on letting her be looked after. Food cooked for you, cleaning and washing done for you, plenty of opportunity to relax.
Does the home do any activities? Getting involved will help to make friends and provide entertainment. Or maybe take her favourite book(s) / films / games / hobby materials to help associate positive experiences.
Few comfort items from home can help too. Pillow or cushion, pictures, photos, ornaments.
I hope that helps.

Please take your holiday. She is very lucky to have you and your love.
You can only provide care when you’re on form, healthly and clear headed. Take care of you so you can take care of her.

And use this forum. Everyone here has their own journey, most of us are doing it blindly, or at least partially sighted as to what comes next, but many have travelled similar ground and will help, support, guide and listen wherever they can.

 

[LostLiz]

I remember telling my mum it was some respite after a stressful time. And put the positive on letting her be looked after. Food cooked for you, cleaning and washing done for you, plenty of opportunity to relax.
Does the home do any activities? Getting involved will help to make friends and provide entertainment. Or maybe take her favourite book(s) / films / games / hobby materials to help associate positive experiences.
Few comfort items from home can help too. Pillow or cushion, pictures, photos, ornaments.
I hope that helps.

Please take your holiday. She is very lucky to have you and your love.
You can only provide care when you’re on form, healthly and clear headed. Take care of you so you can take care of her.

And use this forum. Everyone here has their own journey, most of us are doing it blindly, or at least partially sighted as to what comes next, but many have travelled similar ground and will help, support, guide and listen wherever they can.

Also see if you have a local adult mental health team. My GP referred me in to them and they have been great with formal diagnosis, getting other services support and medication reviews etc

 

[Jasper2]

My Aunts is with the local mental health team and they hear from me each week !
I'm the only relative . I've found some of her kind and understanding friends willing to visit
Does anyone know of an organisation who have volunteers ready to visit and sit with her and chat. Her care home is in Nailsea in North Somerset

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Jasper2 and welcome. It's good that some of your aunt's friends are willing to visit her, and it might be worth having a chat with the care home to see if they could perhaps provide some regular activities that might suit your aunt (perhaps an activities staff member sitting with her and reading to her for a while?) or know any local volunteer groups that could help. I don't know if any private companies might offer a befriending service but Age UK sometimes offer this service although I think it depends on the area and I don't know if this extends to those living in a care home but worth contacting them to ask - the links below might be helpful:

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/somerset/o...set works to,calling 01823 345610 or emailing.

 

[Jasper2]

Latest I had.my holiday in the sun.After two days I realised that my Aunt will not ever settle into the Care Home.In a way she is too intelligent and some of the residents are quite obviously very in well with dementia .I've taken the plunge to arrange 24 hr live in Care back in her home with her cat. I bought her a fluffy toy cat and I can't believe how she has taken to stroking it.. The thing is if she is at her own home I don't feel I will have to visit every or every other day and mix with other poor souls with dementia.I just pray that we can get thro the winter months with live in care Can anyone adive how much financial help.she might get from the Council...they are putting her case to the Panel ?? She has less than £16k cash

 

[Rosettastone57]

Latest I had.my holiday in the sun.After two days I realised that my Aunt will not ever settle into the Care Home.In a way she is too intelligent and some of the residents are quite obviously very in well with dementia .I've taken the plunge to arrange 24 hr live in Care back in her home with her cat. I bought her a fluffy toy cat and I can't believe how she has taken to stroking it.. The thing is if she is at her own home I don't feel I will have to visit every or every other day and mix with other poor souls with dementia.I just pray that we can get thro the winter months with live in care Can anyone adive how much financial help.she might get from the Council...they are putting her case to the Panel ?? She has less than £16k cash

In my mother in law's area, social services will not fund live in care due to the expense. Others will be along soon with better advice and there may be other local councils who may fund it, but from my time on the forum , this is extremely rare

 

[LostLiz]

Hi Jasper2
It is a really difficult decision to decide what is best and so I do not envy you.
For funding, maybe try the link Louise7 posted maybe: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you so you can receive information more local to your authorities set-up. I found a local dementia advisor who helped me out and knew what all the processes and meetings and strange acronyms were about (without making me feel daft for asking!) - a lot quicker than if I'd fumbled finding info myself!
Rosettastone57 is right that local councils will be different - but it is rare for live-in care funding, it is very expensive.

I tried a live-in carer prior to a care home; if you do go that way, consider meeting with potential live-ins with your aunt to see how they get on - my mum and me had coffee and cake with a few and I let my mum decide which ladies she preferred / felt comfortable with.
My mum was also very intelligent and talented; the area of her brain identified as damaged / declining in scans was atypical, so she had an unusual pattern of decline, remaining very switched on in some tasks. You might find a dementia cafe or similar near you via the link.