Is Divorce or Separation an option?

[JaxG]

@velademar I also share your feelings, my husband was verbally aggressive and violent, I wanted to leave but financially it would have been very difficult and our home is pretty much all that is left.
Like your husband @masquereader , with my husband the aggression is an extension of his personality - his family think he is charming, my friends and family know he is not!! Reading the posts on this forum has helped enormously, I have just been relieved to know that I am not alone. xxxx

 

[Chizz]

I so understand where you are coming from. I dislike the person I am living with. In fact I am disgusted by him most of the time….and yes, I know it us not him, it is the disease….but sometimes I swear he knows exactly what he is doing. He picks up dog **** with his hands if i have not noticed some and cleaned it myself…he will not think to even wash his hands…sneezes or coughs all over everything and and….i hate who I have become…a miserable nag with no patience and no desire to continue this.

Hi @Donk1 v sorry to read your post, and v sorry you are in such a position.... but you don't have to be. There is no legal obligation for you to be a carer. If you do not wish to be a carer, or can't cope as
a carer, or because of your OH's behaviours you feel threatened or in danger, then you need to be in contact with your LA Adult Social Services to tell them that you are at crisis point and can't go on like this. The LA ASS can be asked to carry out a care assessment (to see what care support your OH needs) and a carers' assessment (to see what care support you need) - there is often a waiting list and time. The LA ASS will not jump into action if they can possibly avoid this - thus you have to impress on them you are at CRISIS point, can't go on, won't go on, you have to impress on them the danger your OH is causing himself, to you, and, if applicable, to anybody else.
If you can't move out, and/or can't persuade LA to take action, then you'll probably get left in the situaion you're in.
Maybe you better call the Alz's Soc helpline - on their website.

Best wishes and a hug

 

[wurrienot]

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned but Refuge may be good people to contact. They deal with women fleeing domestic violence ( which some here are surly facing). They have information about the legalities of property and finances and may be able to point you in the right direction for getting support if you do decide to leave. I feel that lots of people feel pressured into staying because their PWD " didn't ask to be ill" or " it's the illness not them". Caring is one thing but some of this is way more. It's a cross between being a mental health nurse, a prison warden and a zoo keeper, all done without training or back up, pay or holidays, pension or retirement. You would not be expected to start sorting out surgery, wound care and rehabilitation if your loved one required heart surgery. Dementia is a serious illness that eventually needs professional care. Nobody should feel guilt or shame for handing over to somebody else.

 

[Jay Ross]

I so understand where you are coming from. I dislike the person I am living with. In fact I am disgusted by him most of the time….and yes, I know it us not him, it is the disease….but sometimes I swear he knows exactly what he is doing. He picks up dog **** with his hands if i have not noticed some and cleaned it myself…he will not think to even wash his hands…sneezes or coughs all over everything and and….i hate who I have become…a miserable nag with no patience and no desire to continue this.

 

[Jay Ross]

My goodness, I too empathise entirely with all of this. I sometimes pity my husband - I know, he's got dementia, can't walk, incontinent, it's all awful - but I can't say I like him much. I hate the narrative that suggests that we are all doing this from a place of love, and find any sort of satisfaction or reward in it. My birthday came and went unremarked, Hogmanay didn't register even when I wished him happy new year. He gets up now through the night, so that I feel fearful all the time and can't sleep. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror as I got him shaved and showered this morning, and a pasty, sour-faced, shattered woman stared back at me. Now, I expect, as I write this, he'll be quietly nodding off over his breakfast. I on the other hand will have to stay awake and plod through the day to keep him alive for some purpose which is, frankly, beyond me. I, like you, have no desire to continue this.

 

[canary]

Hello @Jay Ross

Caring for someone who has become incontinent and is unable to manage their personal care is bloomin' hard work.

I used to do it all too and resisted having carers coming in, but it takes up so much time and I was just running around desperately trying to cram everything in to get through the day. I now have carers coming in to get him washed, shaved and dressed (although I think I will have to increase this) and they have been an absolute godsend. Its still hard work, but much easier than it was before.

Dementia is impossible to manage on your own with no help.

 

[UncleZen]

Sometimes I think about just walking out and leaving her, take the dog (who i get way more sense out of and is better behaved) and live in my car. In fact to keep me sane, I'm making an escape list of all the things I'll need to bail out and go forever. I hope, one day I'll have the courage to enact it.

 

[Chizz]

May be I'm the odd one out, or just lucky. Maybe, just a sentimental (or is that semi-mental?) old git.

My OH is bedbound (and, therefore, in nappies, etc and all that that entails), can't hold a proper conversation, can't feed herself food or drink properly, can't always recognise family or friends, can't follow tv programmes fully, and is not the same person she was prior to Alz's.

However, she's never been violent, not got the speech to be abusive for long, but can shout (even non-words can clearly show how she's feeling about things).

She can respond to music, kind words and holding her hand, appreciates having her hair washed and brushed, fights like mad in toe nail cutting sessions. Hates the carers changing her and invading her privacy. But she smiles when I wake her in the mornings.

And yet... yes, I still love her and believe she still loves me - it's in the eyes. I feel she still needs me in these dark times more and more, even though we probably, after only 7 years, haven't got to the darkest yet.

Yes, it's a living hell for both of us, and there's no point in prolonging the hurt, but I don't feel I could abandon her. Yes, it may well come to care home requirements, and will take that as it comes. Yes, it really really hurts.

 

[Cerisy]

Lovely post Chizz. I’m still in love with my Jo despite the changes and she still responds the same. I think it’s more to do with her placid nature and that we always looked after each other as equals. Having a controlling partner that reverted to type as the dementia progressed must make the carering so much harder - seeing those posts really hurts.

 

[SMBeach]

I've posted before on here but this Christmas period has tested me beyond my limits when all the usual distractions have been closed and I have been alone with my OH who has BFTD and is getting worse by the day. No conversation, just repeating words (echolia), reading out loud from the TV screen and singing the same songs over and over again. I'm desperately in need of some grown up conversation, rather than living 24/7 with this argumentative petulant child who doesn't see or appreciate anything I do for him. I know I no longer love the person I am living with as he is certainly not the man I've known and loved for 50 years. We've always celebrated the anniversary of our first date on 28th Dec, but this year I never mentioned it and he of course doesn't even know really what day it is. But it brought it home how lonely I really am and that I've no one to care for me. Its not his fault of course its the disease people say, so people and social care expect me to be his carer to the exclusion of everything else because we are married and been together so long. I spend all my time doing, running everything, cooking, shopping, gardening, finances, cleaning, you name it I do it. I'm a fit an active 67, and not ready to sit in front of day time TV every day with him. My exercise is getting less and less and I'm worried that my health is starting to suffer (I'm on anti depressants already). I cant leave him on his own as he does weird things that could be a risk (eg leaving oven on full and leaving kettle to boil out). I have 4 hours a week where I pay for a companion for him so I can go out but mainly I end up doing errands and shopping. But when they've gone its back to normal. I'm now seriously considering some sort of separation so that social services will have to step in but financially its very hard and why should I leave the home I've lived in for 33 years?. I was always the main bread winner, so most of what we have (house, savings) came from me, so I feel very resentful that to try and salvage something from my life I would have to split everything or sell the home. Has anyone else looked into this or done it, and can point me in the direction of some advice. I dont want to ask our solicitor at the moment as she is a deputy on our POA's (we dont have any children), so any insights into this would be really helpful. Thank you for reading this x maybe things will look better in 2024

This sounds terribly sad, although I can totally understand your feeling. It’s my dad who has dementia but he went to a day centre once a week. He loved it and even better, they loved him! Said he was such a gentleman. Went out of their way to get creative stuff in for him. Their reviews with him were glowing. He did that just once a week though and really he could have done with that maybe twice a week plus another day walking with a companion but I struggled to find anyone. Dad and I are 500 miles apart and no family visit except me once or twice a year. I became overwhelmed long before now and did resent my dad. I also wished it would all just end which sounds cruel but it’s how I felt. In the end dad actually wanted to go into a care home and is in his 4th week there.

Would you consider a care home? A council run care home won’t ask for his share of the house to fund his care. Finances would be based purely on income. You would remain in the house. I think that would be far better than divorcing and you can still visit.

 

[ZZ]

I so understand where you are coming from. I dislike the person I am living with. In fact I am disgusted by him most of the time….and yes, I know it us not him, it is the disease….but sometimes I swear he knows exactly what he is doing. He picks up dog **** with his hands if i have not noticed some and cleaned it myself…he will not think to even wash his hands…sneezes or coughs all over everything and and….i hate who I have become…a miserable nag with no patience and no desire to continue this.

Sending you love today, have just read all of these threads, thank you all for your honesty. This is so damn hard, I find weekends tough - I go and hide in our spare room (my now bedroom) and just will the day away, I am in my early 50s, he is in his 70s

 

[velademar]

This sounds terribly sad, although I can totally understand your feeling. It’s my dad who has dementia but he went to a day centre once a week. He loved it and even better, they loved him! Said he was such a gentleman. Went out of their way to get creative stuff in for him. Their reviews with him were glowing. He did that just once a week though and really he could have done with that maybe twice a week plus another day walking with a companion but I struggled to find anyone. Dad and I are 500 miles apart and no family visit except me once or twice a year. I became overwhelmed long before now and did resent my dad. I also wished it would all just end which sounds cruel but it’s how I felt. In the end dad actually wanted to go into a care home and is in his 4th week there.

Would you consider a care home? A council run care home won’t ask for his share of the house to fund his care. Finances would be based purely on income. You would remain in the house. I think that would be far better than divorcing and you can still visit.

Thank you for this, I'm considering all options just now. Had an Occ Health review and also his adult social care assessment last week. Conclusion was that he needs some aids and that the report to social services will say he doesn't have capacity and requires 24/7 monitoring for risk, health etc. They've pointed me in a few directions re day care and investigation of respite and care homes locally, and as we'd be self funding for a while I suppose that's all they can do. It's logged that I am at breaking point and that they would have to step in in an emergency. Annoying thing as I think I said in first post is that we have always shared money and each have savings, even though most of the money came from my work, redundancy etc. So I feel the house and most of the money is really mine, however I suppose that's what being married does, given we are supposed to be 'in sickness and in health' Never saw this coming though

 

[canary]

. Annoying thing as I think I said in first post is that we have always shared money and each have savings, even though most of the money came from my work, redundancy etc. So I feel the house and most of the money is really mine

The house will be disregarded from the financial assessment all the while you are living in it and only savings in his name and 50% of joint savings will be considered, so dont worry about the house
xx

 

[Jay Ross]

Hello @Jay Ross

Caring for someone who has become incontinent and is unable to manage their personal care is bloomin' hard work.

I used to do it all too and resisted having carers coming in, but it takes up so much time and I was just running around desperately trying to cram everything in to get through the day. I now have carers coming in to get him washed, shaved and dressed (although I think I will have to increase this) and they have been an absolute godsend. Its still hard work, but much easier than it was before.

Dementia is impossible to manage on your own with no help.

 

[Jay Ross]

Thank you for this - I was having a very bad day when I posted last, and am so grateful to you for your kindly reply. I plod along!