Is a memory problem always an early sign?

[father ted]

I wanted to ask people about their very early experiences in noticing changes in their loved ones.
My husband has changed so much in the last 18 months. I don’t think his memory has got particularly worse. For example if someone phones me and I am out he frequently forgets to tell me but not always so in this regard his memory is on a par with mine. The main issue is in his mood and behaviour.Although he was glad to retire he did enjoy his job and I wonder if there is an element of depression to it because he misses his colleagues and having a role and responsibilities outside of the home.
Indoors he rarely talks to me except for household matters. In the evenings he will sit in the lounge with me and our daughter but whilst we watch television he watches stuff on his computer with headphones on so if I turn to to discuss what I’m watching he’s in another world and it’s not worth explaining the moment‘s gone.
He is more critical of me which I find hard. We don’t share any interests anymore.
He comes out with ridiculous statements accusing me of hiding things or throwing things away because he has forgotten where he has put them. He accused me of dragging recycling boxes across his car and when I ask why would I do that he always says ‘well someone did it’.
He can be very short tempered and although he will do tasks within the home sometimes I wish he wouldn’t. E.g today when I brought the shopping home he was trying to get some things in the freezer which was pretty full. He started pulling the drawers out, banging them on the floor, swearing etc till I could stand it no more so I told him to stop and I would do it.
He struggles now with certain aspects of technology- he recently got a new phone which he swears at too because he doesn’t know how to operate it. Technology was always his thing that he would help others.
We have a disabled daughter and he can get very impatient with her too and she will argue back at him. He no longer seems to have any patience at all.
I am having trouble separating what is a normal life for retired couple who seem to have very little in common and a nagging concern in the back of my mind. When my Mum was diagnosed nearly 15 years ago her memory problems were obvious but otherwise her personality remained the same till much later so this seems different.

 

[Kevinl]

Hello and thank you for posting, there is no one size fits all, be it a specific diagnosis of some sort of AZ or whatever, we just have to deal with how the person presents, timid people can become aggressive, previously boisterous people can become aquisent. There is no logic in it, we're just different people and how it affects people differs.
All I know is given a chance I'd do it all again, in a heartbeat given the chance. I did it for her because I know she would would have done the same for me. K

 

[canary]

Hello @father ted

Dementia doesnt always affect the memory in the early stages - particularly if the dementia is affecting the frontal lobes first. The frontal lobes govern mood, emotions, planning and executive function, but not the memory very much

I recognise the description of your OH because mine was the same. He is now at the stage where he sits on the sofa all day reading the papers (he can no longer work out how to use a computer), can do very little and says almost nothing throughout the day. Yet he can still ace the GPs memory test, so the GP wont refer him to the memory clinic. I hope your GP is more helpful than ours.

 

[PammieA]

Hi @father ted
I agree with Kevini and Canary.
It's so hard to know what the personality/behavioural changes mean.

A GP appointment should be a priority, to assess for infection

My mum started with some confusion over using her mobile phone, computer and TV remote control. But then she didn't recognise my step dad (that was 4 months ago), she saw the GP who thought she might have a UTI, 2 weeks later she became worse.
Mum was referred to the Mental Heath Team, and they have been treating her for 'Delusions' calling it 'imposter syndrome'

She has just started with mild memory issues, and has also become verbally aggressive towards my step dad.
My mum also did what your husband did with the freezer draws - but then said it wasn't her, it was the other man in the house!

I am more inclined to think my mum has Dementia, we are waiting for results of a brain scan.

All symptoms are worrying. I'm sorry to hear your experiences with your husband.
I hope you are able to get an appointment with the GP soon.

 

[backin]

A doctor will help .

 

[Kevinl]

A doctor may help but base on posts on here don't hold your breath. K

 

[Brianna]

My partner has bouts of depression, especially in the winter, and sometimes behaves like this when he's feeling bad. Even though he works in IT he still argues with his computer and printer when they misbehave so this isn't necessarily a sign of cognitive decline! He's not retired but works from home now and I think he misses the face-to-face contact he had in the office, although he's not particularly sociable. He's a bit better now - he worked out what was affecting him, stopped drinking, got a few hobbies he enjoys and arranged meet ups with friends occasionally. It wasn't easy because I thought part of it was about me. I couldn't work out why he seemed angry and upset, even though I suffer from depression myself. Depression in others is difficult to deal with (if that is the problem). Ideally he needs to see the GP but it might be easier if you get an appointment on your own and mention your concerns.

 

[Angel55]

Hello @father ted

Dementia doesnt always affect the memory in the early stages - particularly if the dementia is affecting the frontal lobes first. The frontal lobes govern mood, emotions, planning and executive function, but not the memory very much

I recognise the description of your OH because mine was the same. He is now at the stage where he sits on the sofa all day reading the papers (he can no longer work out how to use a computer), can do very little and says almost nothing throughout the day. Yet he can still ace the GPs memory test, so the GP wont refer him to the memory clinic. I hope your GP is more helpful than ours.

💗 Dad's language skills covered up for his thinking and still do to a degree. People struggled to believe he had anything possibly wrong with him, just poor mobility. You could forgive the moods for depression and varying emotions, the lack of ability to plan and executive functioning which we only really saw. We often felt like we were telling lies and we had got it all wrong. Memory came along later and still has good and bad days inconsistently. Tests are not everything, I feel carers should be listened too more and a full picture built up. I know we have chatted before a little across the forum but I totally empathise with you around this.

 

[father ted]

Thank you to all who have replied. Looking back at what I said in my initial post I was wrong. Long before my Mum was eventually diagnosed it was her mood swings and outbursts of bad temper that first made me think something was wrong. We had always had a great relationship but suddenly I could do no right and she eyed me with suspicion always thinking I had an ulterior motive to my actions. It’s starting to feel the same at home and I do think my husband is depressed but I think he would be very reluctant to seek medical help for depression as he would not acknowledge that he has it.
He is also quite deaf and this too isolates him further. I will see how things progress. Thanks for your responses.

 

[Angel55]

Thank you to all who have replied. Looking back at what I said in my initial post I was wrong. Long before my Mum was eventually diagnosed it was her mood swings and outbursts of bad temper that first made me think something was wrong. We had always had a great relationship but suddenly I could do no right and she eyed me with suspicion always thinking I had an ulterior motive to my actions. It’s starting to feel the same at home and I do think my husband is depressed but I think he would be very reluctant to seek medical help for depression as he would not acknowledge that he has it.
He is also quite deaf and this too isolates him further. I will see how things progress. Thanks for your responses.

💗 Maybe if he hasn't already been checked with his hearing you could start with that, you don't mention if he has hearing aids or anything so I am assuming a hearing test might be a way to start. You can get a test in places other than the doctors as well so not so intrusive - as a start. Take Care x

 

[JoannePat]

Most people who care for a PWD will tell you that "in hindsight the signs were there". As most people have already said, there can be similarities but each persons journey is different.

I can now look back and say that my mum was "showing signs" for about 5 years. We are still in the early stages with my dad and its a completely different path. AND I am a completely different person to how I react to him.

We have to be much more forgiving, your husband doesn't mean to be moody or angry, its his frustrations. My mum used to cry.........not easy to deal with either!

Have you tried sitting down with him and talking about it? You know when is the best time, we get good at judging the room!

Jxx