I am on the other side of the fence and hoping you all can help me. I met the love of my life when I was 25 but unfortunately we were both in unhappy and unfulfilling marriages and with kids so we saw each other whenever we could over the next 25 years. I moved away with hubby 30 years ago and ended it. I am now 74. My husband died 20 years ago and I have been alone. My love is still with his wife out of duty and losing contact with me for 30 years. I recently contacted him just to say hi, and found out he is caring for his wife with Alzheimers. We have been doing FaceTime for the past 2 years, so it's an emotional affair. We live 1700 miles apart and haven't been together yet. He feels like a babysitter and is very stuck, but has lots of friends that help him. We just don't know what to do as we are still madly in love but trying to do the right thing. It's hard waiting for something that may never happen. He is a healthy 79. He can't face putting her into a home, saying how guilty it makes him feel. I've tried explaining to him that he spent the last 55 years trying to do the right thing, that he deserves to have a real life for a few years we have left. Should I leave or keep supporting him and wait for him? It's so very sad and hopeless for us both. Thanks for not judging me. Spent my whole life trying to do the right thing. Note: His wife is middle stage, no short term memory, very confused, nursing home will take her, daughter tells him she would understand if he puts her in a home. Please help me decide the best thing to do. I enjoy making him laugh and bringing him some happiness but it's killing me. I just want to be with him
In love with a caregiver - please help
- Thread starter suema
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i dont think anyone can make that decision. it seems hes already made his mind up by being a carer for his wife. i think you are going to just have to wait it out. he maybe feels torn with his wife needing care and the time he spends with you. i would be there to support him but not add pressure as he is probably already feeling that himself.
if he cant face putting her in a home, thats it, he doesnt want to stop being what he is to her now.
Its different for you-you dont have the pull of a partner to put to one side to persue whatever this is.
Keep supporting. talk by all means but dont add to his mental load by asking him to choose.
of course his relationship with his wife has changed, but she depends on him, whether or not you percive that
Its different for you-you dont have the pull of a partner to put to one side to persue whatever this is.
Keep supporting. talk by all means but dont add to his mental load by asking him to choose.
of course his relationship with his wife has changed, but she depends on him, whether or not you percive that
I get where you are coming from but sadly it has to be his decision about how he moves forward.
You have been a widow for twenty years so your head space is in a completely different universe to his.
It won’t help you if he is put under pressure at such a difficult time in his life.
You have been a widow for twenty years so your head space is in a completely different universe to his.
It won’t help you if he is put under pressure at such a difficult time in his life.
Hi @suema I am not qualified to say whether trying to revive a relationship that has been so long dormant is likely to be successful. What I can confirm from personal experience is that looking after a person with dementia places huge physical and emotional pressure on the partner/carer and promotes a high level of dependence. That is often a source of unwarranted guilt when the carer considers the prospect of a care or nursing home.
When someone moves into care that is by no means the end of the carer's role. It takes time for dependence to switch from the carer to the professional care staff. Even when that happens the carer is still likely to be involved through visits and providing for the person's welfare and basic needs eg clothes, toiletries etc. Moving into care changes the relationship between a couple (sometimes for the better). It doesn't slam a closed door on that relationship.
When someone moves into care that is by no means the end of the carer's role. It takes time for dependence to switch from the carer to the professional care staff. Even when that happens the carer is still likely to be involved through visits and providing for the person's welfare and basic needs eg clothes, toiletries etc. Moving into care changes the relationship between a couple (sometimes for the better). It doesn't slam a closed door on that relationship.
My Granny was in this situation, bless her, before her dementia hit. Her love was determined to stand by his wife, observe his wedding vows, and wouldn’t countenance any kind of more romantic involvement even once his wife was in a care home and no longer recognised him.
It was a complicated situation, rife with moral and personal values. However I can tell you that my Granny lost hope, and when offered an alternative by a former suitor from her youth, she chose him instead and made some very unwise life choices. Her carer love remained in touch, always telling how she was missed, but he died alone about two years after his wife.
All I can tell you is that they both stuck to their chosen moral codes and were made very unhappy as a consequence. They would have been so much happier spending their final years together, and Granny had no qualms about him still caring about his wife and remaining married to her.
Wishing you all the very best. Solace in this situation is so difficult to find.
It was a complicated situation, rife with moral and personal values. However I can tell you that my Granny lost hope, and when offered an alternative by a former suitor from her youth, she chose him instead and made some very unwise life choices. Her carer love remained in touch, always telling how she was missed, but he died alone about two years after his wife.
All I can tell you is that they both stuck to their chosen moral codes and were made very unhappy as a consequence. They would have been so much happier spending their final years together, and Granny had no qualms about him still caring about his wife and remaining married to her.
Wishing you all the very best. Solace in this situation is so difficult to find.
Whilst his daughter would support her Dad is her Mum went into a home, this does not mean that she would accept her father starting a her relationship whilst her mother was still alive.
If your friend was faced with the choice of his wife and daughter or you, what do you think he'd do?
If your friend was faced with the choice of his wife and daughter or you, what do you think he'd do?
What a bittersweet story. Thank you for sharing it. Love never fails. But it’s a heartbreaker. In my 74 years I have come to believe that marriage can wreck one’s life if you don’t choose wisely.
I would hope that he would face the truth. I think it's wrong to live a lie because of what everyone would think or feeling guilty about "moral codes". You can't force love. It would be the responsible thing to put her in a place where she would get the best care. When Jesus was on earth, mostly what He talked about was "truth" and "love". I think our best instincts would go in that direction. But I am open to others' opinions of course. That's why I'm here.
if his truth was the same as your truth, she'd have been in a home 2 years ago,the minute you came back into his life
Thank you. That's such good advice. I will continue to support him, to love him, and be there for him even if I never get to be in his presence again. Even if the depression kills me. I do care. A lot.
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