Hi
Sometimes just posting on here and letting it all out really helps-a bit like a safety valve.
You can safely say stuff to strangers you would not necessarily say to loved ones.
Dementia is a horrid illness,but,I do believe in mums case at least, that some of her actions are deliberate.
My brother and I can tell when 'mum' is speaking rather than the illness,by her facial expressions.body language etc. Quite often she will make accusations or do something really dangerous and then sit back to see what we do/how we react.
One of the nicer carers who has worked with her on and off since April last year when she went into the ch,said that the way she speaks with family-and me in particular- is one of the few areas she has a certain amount of control over.
She chooses what she wants to eat-but from a limited selection on the menu.
She can choose what she wants to wear,but only from the selection of clothes she has there.
She has a limited choice where she sits,which lounge etc.
What she can control is what she says (not all the time,but certainly some of the time) to her visitors,and then sit back and watch.
If she has been brewing worries etc for a week between visits (we go Saturday's) then when she sees us,what she wants to say all comes out in a rush,often with quite rude words involved, and said fast and loud as if she jsut has to get it out of her.
A bit like 'light the touch paper and retire a safe distance'. We are now having to learn not to react like the proverbial firework and blow up.
If she gets a big response -upset,emotional etc - she may remember it. She then gets a lot of attention for bad behaviours,which the ch are trying to discourage.
Therefore we have to try and ignore/ defuse/ distract.if all else fails-leave.
I do hope that you find a way that works for you,so you can concentrate on your hubie and family,and maybe visualise putting mil in a box and closing the lid for a few minutes peace and quiet. (I'm not suggesting locking her up or burying her,just a visual removing her from the front of your thoughts)
Best wishes
Ros
Thanks so much for your response. Initially, I felt guilty when making this post, but I'm done with guilt. I forgot to add one trait - selfishness. Selfishness with a capital 'S" and a capital every other freaking letter.
Today is my husband's birthday. He has had a very rough time over the past couple of years, and could have used a bit of a break. Not a ton of presents or a special celebration, but just a bit of a goddamned break. A few moments to himself.
But, no... Not only did his Mum "forget" his birthday. She forgot that he's in horrible, cripping pain, and just wanted to put his legs up. Noooooo.... she wants fruit salad, and then not the fruit salad we made, and a sandwich, but not that kind of sandwich. Etc...
Her sheets are too hot, and too cold, and too sheety. She yells at the phone when it rings, but then complains that no one calls her. And the sighs. The constant sighs. Ugh...
I'm so sick of it. She is absolutely keen of intellect when there are things she wants or needs to remember. She can recite everything that happened on her own favourite birthday reminiscenses in 19-forty-freaking-seven. Or last year. But screw everyone else. Screw their needs. Screw their feelings. Screw them.
Pout, sigh, repeat.