In a quandary

[Daughter3*]

Hoping for some advice please! Mum has Alzheimer’s, and until a few weeks ago, her and my dad managed in their own home. A few weeks ago he had a fall and ended up in hospital. Whilst he was there, me and my siblings decided she would be safer in a care home (respite) and perhaps when he came out, they could be together in the home. She hates it with a passion, apart from meal times. Distraught and always asking why she can’t go to her own home and garden (forgets what was said a few seconds before). To be fair she was quite fit and apart from wearing the same clothes, they managed if I fetched the food. The residents in her home seem more severe than her.
Unfortunately Dad passed away last week.
She seems accepting of the fact he has gone, but is still asking to go home. We’ve decided that after the funeral, she will move to a different care home closer to my siblings.
I am wondering, for a few days before the funeral, whether to let her go home. I don’t mind being with her 24/7 for a few days, as it might make her calmer and allow the hearse to collect us all from ‘home’.
My siblings don’t think it is a good idea as it means wrenching her from home again…
Any thoughts/advice gratefully received.

 

[Rayreadynow]

Hoping for some advice please! Mum has Alzheimer’s, and until a few weeks ago, her and my dad managed in their own home. A few weeks ago he had a fall and ended up in hospital. Whilst he was there, me and my siblings decided she would be safer in a care home (respite) and perhaps when he came out, they could be together in the home. She hates it with a passion, apart from meal times. Distraught and always asking why she can’t go to her own home and garden (forgets what was said a few seconds before). To be fair she was quite fit and apart from wearing the same clothes, they managed if I fetched the food. The residents in her home seem more severe than her.
Unfortunately Dad passed away last week.
She seems accepting of the fact he has gone, but is still asking to go home. We’ve decided that after the funeral, she will move to a different care home closer to my siblings.
I am wondering, for a few days before the funeral, whether to let her go home. I don’t mind being with her 24/7 for a few days, as it might make her calmer and allow the hearse to collect us all from ‘home’.
My siblings don’t think it is a good idea as it means wrenching her from home again…
Any thoughts/advice gratefully received.

I think you may find that the Care Home Manager will resist your idea and if you don't have an LPA for Health and Welfare they may resist even more.

 

[canary]

I dont actually think that allowing her home again is a very good idea as its just one more thing to unsettle her and, yes, she may well be resistant to moving to the new home - you do not want problems so close to the funeral.

 

[Violet Jane]

If Social Services get involved they will probably want you to try care visits at home first. Do you have powers of attorney for your mother (there are two types)?

 

[Kevinl]

Sorry, but I agree, not a good idea in my opinion too.
K

 

[SAP]

Like the others have said, I think this would be adding a level of complication that none of you need right now. Many people with dementia want” to go home” but they are not necessarily thinking about that in terms of the family home but maybe their childhood home,back to a time they have clear memories of. Also you need to consider how it would be if she was walking around the house looking for your dad. This is a tough time and the one kindness you can do for all concerned it to keep mum where she is cared for 24/7 so you can grieve for your dad and then work on the move to a new home .

 

[Lisa F]

Firstly my deepest condolences on the loss of your Dad. It must be so hard on you trying to do the right thing by your mum especially under these circumstances and you clearly want the best for her. I have to agree with other responses, it may be more upsetting for her to be back in her own home for a few days and then a move to another care home after. At least with a new care home closer to your siblings you both will have more support on hand and you can grieve for the loss of your Father x

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Don't do it. Any possible benefit would not be remembered and it can only increase her demands to go home when you know that can't happen.

If those demands continue, put her off with 'the boiler has broken and is being fixed' or similar and always say the care home is 'just for now'.

 

[pobbie1959]

Hoping for some advice please! Mum has Alzheimer’s, and until a few weeks ago, her and my dad managed in their own home. A few weeks ago he had a fall and ended up in hospital. Whilst he was there, me and my siblings decided she would be safer in a care home (respite) and perhaps when he came out, they could be together in the home. She hates it with a passion, apart from meal times. Distraught and always asking why she can’t go to her own home and garden (forgets what was said a few seconds before). To be fair she was quite fit and apart from wearing the same clothes, they managed if I fetched the food. The residents in her home seem more severe than her.
Unfortunately Dad passed away last week.
She seems accepting of the fact he has gone, but is still asking to go home. We’ve decided that after the funeral, she will move to a different care home closer to my siblings.
I am wondering, for a few days before the funeral, whether to let her go home. I don’t mind being with her 24/7 for a few days, as it might make her calmer and allow the hearse to collect us all from ‘home’.
My siblings don’t think it is a good idea as it means wrenching her from home again…
Any thoughts/advice gratefully received.

Have you thought about a live in carer? It can be cheaper than a care home

 

[SAP]

Have you thought about a live in carer? It can be cheaper than a care home

Live in care tends to be way more expensive and included the household bill, council tax and food . Additionally you need to figure in carers break times, holiday and sickness cover and waking night care can really bump the price up.

 

[Angel55]

Hello 💕

I am sorry to read of your loss. This is such a hard situation for all of you.

When my Dad kept saying he wanted to go home it turned out he was thinking of his child hood home. The memory was getting mixed up with our family home where we lived growing up and where he lived with mum for over 40 years. He did go back actually for an OT assessment but he didn't recall the house particularly and only odd bits. He would not have coped with the suggested four calls a day either and no over night care. Sadly we were only left with the option of staying where he was and is now. Funnily enough he hasn't asked about going home since. When I spoke to the admiral nurse she said sometimes people do want to go and see their home sometimes to say goodbye but it is hard to tell if this was the case or not. Things have progressed since that time.

I would just think very carefully before making a decision as whilst someone says they want to go home it may not always be as it sounds and seems. Let your head make the decision and allow your heart to catch up. Take Care x

 

[Ellenlouise]

Hoping for some advice please! Mum has Alzheimer’s, and until a few weeks ago, her and my dad managed in their own home. A few weeks ago he had a fall and ended up in hospital. Whilst he was there, me and my siblings decided she would be safer in a care home (respite) and perhaps when he came out, they could be together in the home. She hates it with a passion, apart from meal times. Distraught and always asking why she can’t go to her own home and garden (forgets what was said a few seconds before). To be fair she was quite fit and apart from wearing the same clothes, they managed if I fetched the food. The residents in her home seem more severe than her.
Unfortunately Dad passed away last week.
She seems accepting of the fact he has gone, but is still asking to go home. We’ve decided that after the funeral, she will move to a different care home closer to my siblings.
I am wondering, for a few days before the funeral, whether to let her go home. I don’t mind being with her 24/7 for a few days, as it might make her calmer and allow the hearse to collect us all from ‘home’.
My siblings don’t think it is a good idea as it means wrenching her from home again…
Any thoughts/advice gratefully received.

I have no reply but would like to say sorry for your loss.

 

[Jules1954]

I have no reply but would like to say sorry for your loss.

I don’t know what your long term plans for your mother are but if she is like mine, her safe place is her home. My mother is very happy when in her own surroundings and I just have to put up with a lot of repititions and constant losing things.

 

[jugglingmum]

Have you thought about a live in carer? It can be cheaper than a care home

We priced it up for MIL and a care home is considerably cheaper.

 

[Sarasa]

A warm welcome to Dementia Support Forum. I'm sorry for the loss of your father, and that the worryover your mother has brought you here.
Your mum would probably be equally unhappy at home. My mum really hated her (very nice) flat for the last couple of years she was there because she thought the neighbours were stealing from her. After she moved into care, she forgot about that and wanted to return to it. Although she was quite fit and healthy there was no way she'd have been safe and eventually she did settle.
I think I agree with the others and don't take her home, but instead find a care home that is a better fit for her. Not all homes are alike and what suits one person won't another.

 

[Kevinl]

Live in care tends to be way more expensive and included the household bill, council tax and food . Additionally you need to figure in carers break times, holiday and sickness cover and waking night care can really bump the price up.

Live in carers provided they care for more than 35 hours a week are exempt from council tax in England.
Household bills may vary, costs me the same to heat the house alone as it did before, pennies more to cook for 2 than for 1 and even the shopping bill doesn't double, bigger pack better value, more money perhaps but not double.
Living, shopping and just being alone is hard work, take it from me I'm living the dream since my wife died back in October and the bills really haven't changed by that much.
K

 

[Kevinl]

Just thought, in England people defined as having a Severe Mental Impairment (SMI) are disregarded for council tax anyway, maybe there is no CT payable.
K

 

[SAP]

Live in carers provided they care for more than 35 hours a week are exempt from council tax in England.
Household bills may vary, costs me the same to heat the house alone as it did before, pennies more to cook for 2 than for 1 and even the shopping bill doesn't double, bigger pack better value, more money perhaps but not double.
Living, shopping and just being alone is hard work, take it from me I'm living the dream since my wife died back in October and the bills really haven't changed by that much.
K

My point was that if a person is living in a care home, they no longer have the household bills and running costs or repairs to pay for once that property is sold ( or no longer rented) and they do not need to pay council tax ( which they may still be paying unless they apply to their LA to be disregarded , my mothers LA we’re very slow at applying this but it happens automatically when you are in residential care) This nor about the bills being doubled due to having live in care but rather that these things are no longer a financial issue once a person is in residential care ( once a property is sold etc etc). Live in care is already far more expensive, these things are the hidden costs on top that do not apply to residential care. In my mother’s case the difference was very significant when all things were taken into consideration.

 

[Banjomansmate]

Is the live in carer expected to do all the things a fit and healthy spouse would be expected to do? Cooking, shopping, washing, changing the beds, cleaning, gardening etc. etc.? If not then, as the PWD is presumably unable to do a lot of these things, hence the need for a live in carer, I assume you would have to employ and pay for all these needs to be met?