I'm suddenly the enemy

takingstock

Registered User
Jan 13, 2024
25
0
Lancashire
HI Newanne, just like you my husband has lewy body dementia, he had an accident last September and hasn't driven since. According to him it's all my fault, I want him sat at home angry and depressed. It's so difficult so, I've got past being upset now. I find I'm getting angry and retaliate when he starts calling me names and shouts. I live not far from clitheroe maybe we could compare situations and how to deal with them
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
HI Newanne, just like you my husband has lewy body dementia, he had an accident last September and hasn't driven since. According to him it's all my fault, I want him sat at home angry and depressed. It's so difficult so, I've got past being upset now. I find I'm getting angry and retaliate when he starts calling me names and shouts. I live not far from clitheroe maybe we could compare situations and how to deal with them
Thank you takingstock. Maybe a meet up for coffee, I live earby so only 20mins away from clitheroe. (Where I grew up) the more we can support one another the better we will be able to cope.
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
As well as the thick skin and broad shoulders you also need to learn to be economical with the truth, and use a lot of non commital silences, ummms, little white lies and evasions. Difficult when you’ve spent years sharing everything but it gets easier and definitely makes life easier……
Oh that is all so true. X
 

takingstock

Registered User
Jan 13, 2024
25
0
Lancashire
Thank you takingstock. Maybe a meet up for coffee, I live earby so only 20mins away from clitheroe. (Where I grew up) the more we can support one another the better we will be able to cope.
Hi Newanne, yes I would like that, I live in ribchester, so time wise the same. We could meet in Clitheroe one day. With it being bank holiday we could possibly arrange something the following week
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
Hi Newanne, yes I would like that, I live in ribchester, so time wise the same. We could meet in Clitheroe one day. With it being bank holiday we could possibly arrange something the following week
That would be lovely. Mutual support always good. I will be in touch week after next to arrange something. Thank you. X
 

Oscar 10

Registered User
Nov 3, 2023
23
0
My OH got his diagnosis last week, alzheimers. In not surprised but he's just ignored it. Yesterday I tried, very gently, to explain about dvla and car insurance, he can still drive but needs to let them know. He exploded, all the anger inside seem to be aimed at me. I'm certainly to blame. We are at the start of this bloody awful thing. How do people carry on caring, do everything, sacrificing their life to care for someone who seems to hate them? My heart is breaking this morning.
Hi there welcome to this forum my husband received his diagnosis a year ago and as we were leaving I said to him what do you think about what she said his reply was she doesn’t know me who is she anyway ?? and that’s how it has been for a year he has ignored all that was said then blamed me for taking him there and bringing these people to our door I have tried many times to have a coversation with him about the diagnosis but he refuses to accept so after fifty years together we cannot discuss the options ahead of us I feel totally alone on this journey and theee are days when
My OH got his diagnosis last week, alzheimers. In not surprised but he's just ignored it. Yesterday I tried, very gently, to explain about dvla and car insurance, he can still drive but needs to let them know. He exploded, all the anger inside seem to be aimed at me. I'm certainly to blame. We are at the start of this bloody awful thing. How do people carry on caring, do everything, sacrificing their life to care for someone who seems to hate them? My heart is breaking this morning.
My Husband was diagnosed last year and when we came out of the memory clinic he said what a load of rubbish they talk who are they anyway they dont know me and how do they know I can’t drive and that’s the last time it was discussed he blames me for organising the appt in the first place but I knew things were not right for the past few years we came out of there with a prescription for donepezil and I was told to inform the dvla why is it my job to do this I haven’t to date but he doesn’t drive anymore and I got rid of his car a few weeks ago as I knew if he had an accident he wouldn’t know what to do he’s driven all his life but he seems to have forgotten about his car so maybe it was the right thing to do the things I miss most is not having anyone to discuss this diagnosis with it feels like you have to adjust to a whole different way of life from now on and it’s very lonely I’m trying to keep on top of everything and every day I ask myself can I do this it’s not what I had hoped for in our seventies but what choice do we have it’s early days I know but reading the conversations on here it seems like it’s a long road we walk down alone keep strong and take each day as it comes and always come on here just to let off steam and ask for ways to cope xx
 

Oscar 10

Registered User
Nov 3, 2023
23
0
After reading through my messages it seems I have started a few and had to stop after being interrupted so apologies for a few half finished messages
 

Bren43

Registered User
Sep 15, 2022
51
0
Oh that is all so true. X
Hi Newanne I know how you feel about being the enemy. It is very hard but through time you just have to walk away. To try to reason and explain just makes it worse. My OH has become someone I don’t know and it’s sad but the reality of this horrible disease. This forum is such a comfort.
 

carolacs

New member
Jan 22, 2023
8
0
Hi Newanne
I think the not driving issue is a real game changer ( on top of the dementia). My husband took the driver assessment test and failed so he is pretty stuck unless I take him everywhere in the car. Sounds like your husband is still driving so this is a good thing ! But yes dementia wins every time; it is never my husbands fault about anything and he vents his frustration and anger on me . Not sure there is a solution…..
Hi Newanne
Your post made me feel so much better. DVLA didnt renew my OH,'s license so the arguments about who is driving were over and I could blame the DVLA every time he blamed me! I do all the driving but he still tries to get in the drivers seat! Anger is so hurtful and heartbreaking when you are there for them caring and loving. I call it Mr Alzheimer’s when the anger overtakes him and try to remember it's not personal. Broad shoulders, white lies, diversions, hiding important documents all part of the coping process for those of us who are full time carers. My OH relocates things, sometimes I don't find them for months. Blood pressure monitor latest thing to dissappear, I only put it down to answer the door. Haven't found it yet and he denies ever touching it yet alone giving me a clue where it is, he has no recollection of what he does with all the things he hides. Sometimes I can see the funny side, sometimes it's just so frustrating. I have to warn everyone who comes into the house to hold on to their keys, phones etc.
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
Hi Newanne
Your post made me feel so much better. DVLA didnt renew my OH,'s license so the arguments about who is driving were over and I could blame the DVLA every time he blamed me! I do all the driving but he still tries to get in the drivers seat! Anger is so hurtful and heartbreaking when you are there for them caring and loving. I call it Mr Alzheimer’s when the anger overtakes him and try to remember it's not personal. Broad shoulders, white lies, diversions, hiding important documents all part of the coping process for those of us who are full time carers. My OH relocates things, sometimes I don't find them for months. Blood pressure monitor latest thing to dissappear, I only put it down to answer the door. Haven't found it yet and he denies ever touching it yet alone giving me a clue where it is, he has no recollection of what he does with all the things he hides. Sometimes I can see the funny side, sometimes it's just so frustrating. I have to warn everyone who comes into the house to hold on to their keys, phones etc.
Hello Carolacs- sound like you're coping with a very difficult situation. It's constant and very isolating. I rang the admiral nurse a few days ago, they were so understanding, I felt a little better after a 20min chat, well worth trying. I was reading last week just how many people, in Britain alone, are suffering with this awful thing, over 800000. Lot of these will have partners who care for them. All those people must mean we are not alone. Ive signed up to a 4 week course for carers of pwd. Maybe there is something like that in your area. I'm sending you strength and a big hug. Xx
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
Hi Newanne I know how you feel about being the enemy. It is very hard but through time you just have to walk away. To try to reason and explain just makes it worse. My OH has become someone I don’t know and it’s sad but the reality of this horrible disease. This forum is such a comfort.
Thank you bren43 - yes I'm on a huge learning curve, along with lots of others. You're right about this forum, it's a lifeline sometimes.
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
Hi there welcome to this forum my husband received his diagnosis a year ago and as we were leaving I said to him what do you think about what she said his reply was she doesn’t know me who is she anyway ?? and that’s how it has been for a year he has ignored all that was said then blamed me for taking him there and bringing these people to our door I have tried many times to have a coversation with him about the diagnosis but he refuses to accept so after fifty years together we cannot discuss the options ahead of us I feel totally alone on this journey and theee are days when

My Husband was diagnosed last year and when we came out of the memory clinic he said what a load of rubbish they talk who are they anyway they dont know me and how do they know I can’t drive and that’s the last time it was discussed he blames me for organising the appt in the first place but I knew things were not right for the past few years we came out of there with a prescription for donepezil and I was told to inform the dvla why is it my job to do this I haven’t to date but he doesn’t drive anymore and I got rid of his car a few weeks ago as I knew if he had an accident he wouldn’t know what to do he’s driven all his life but he seems to have forgotten about his car so maybe it was the right thing to do the things I miss most is not having anyone to discuss this diagnosis with it feels like you have to adjust to a whole different way of life from now on and it’s very lonely I’m trying to keep on top of everything and every day I ask myself can I do this it’s not what I had hoped for in our seventies but what choice do we have it’s early days I know but reading the conversations on here it seems like it’s a long road we walk down alone keep strong and take each day as it comes and always come on here just to let off steam and ask for ways to cope xx
Hi oscar10 - reading your post it sounds like you're really down. Your right about just getting on and as you said, using this forum for advise support and problem solving. Sending you strength and hugs. Xx
 

Oscar 10

Registered User
Nov 3, 2023
23
0
Hi oscar10 - reading your post it sounds like you're really down. Your right about just getting on and as you said, using this forum for advise support and problem solving. Sending you strength and hugs. Xx
Thank you for taking the time to read my post in so many parts I am really low at the moment but I’m sure I will come to accept the inevitable changes that are now part of our everyday life big hugs back to you xx
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
Great, I'll look forward to meeting you, I'm sure we'll have plenty to talk about and much support to give each other x
Hi @takingstock. I've sent you a message but not sure you'll see it. I. Free this week for meet up if you are. We could meet at shackltons for coffee and chat. Let me know if when you're available. Looking forward to meeting you. X
 

Greenway

Registered User
Apr 28, 2022
108
0
Thank you for your speedy reply. Wills and POA in place already. But he refuses to contact car insurance and DVLA as he says he has nothing to prove what he's suffering from. He says the meeting at the memory clinic was amateurish and they don't know what they’re talking about. He never did see a consultant,, the nurse just passed on the consultants diagnosis following MRI. We just got told to contact DVLA and ins. It was not a good meeting, lots of information given in a very short time. 25mins. With lots of leaflets given.
When my husband was diagnosed and eventually told that he shouldn’t be driving he also wouldn’t accept couldn’t just carry on as normal and of course blamed me for everything. I tried to do the driving but it was impossible to persuade him all the time to allow me and sometimes he’d just go off on his own, in a temper. I was told to inform DVLA but I wouldn’t take that responsibility because my husband didn’t just blame me for everything he was very violent at times. Eventually he was admitted to a dementia unit and I told them that if they wanted to inform DVLA then they could do it, I would not take responsibility. They did, he had his license revoked and that was that. When he came out of the unit I just made excuses, told him that I’d be his chauffeur and he could pay me if he liked and eventually he just forgot about driving. It was a long road though. Maybe have a word with your GP?
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
When my husband was diagnosed and eventually told that he shouldn’t be driving he also wouldn’t accept couldn’t just carry on as normal and of course blamed me for everything. I tried to do the driving but it was impossible to persuade him all the time to allow me and sometimes he’d just go off on his own, in a temper. I was told to inform DVLA but I wouldn’t take that responsibility because my husband didn’t just blame me for everything he was very violent at times. Eventually he was admitted to a dementia unit and I told them that if they wanted to inform DVLA then they could do it, I would not take responsibility. They did, he had his license revoked and that was that. When he came out of the unit I just made excuses, told him that I’d be his chauffeur and he could pay me if he liked and eventually he just forgot about driving. It was a long road though. Maybe have a word with your GP?
Sounds like a nightmare, glad you eventually got it sorted but what a terrible journey for you. We have an appointment at memory clinic next week, just checking on meds. I'm going to ring them and ask if they will bring it up then. He may listen to them rather than me. 🤞
 

takingstock

Registered User
Jan 13, 2024
25
0
Lancashire
Hi @taking stock. I've sent you a message but not sure you'll see it. I. Free this week for meet up if you are. We could meet at shackltons for coffee and chat. Let me know if when you're available. Looking forward to meeting you. X
Morning, sorry I haven't seen it, but that would be lovely, would Wednesday afternoon be OK for you x
 

Louise7

Volunteer Host
Mar 25, 2016
4,935
0
Hello @Newanne and @takingstock just a reminder that even if you do feel confident and comfortable about meeting another Forum member in person please remember to take appropriate precautions to ensure that you stay safe. If you haven't already seen it, this thread in the member's area contains useful information about protecting your privacy and staying safe on the Forum, including meeting in person: