I'm new here


Registered User
Dec 3, 2007
south cheshire
I am 26 and care for my nan who is 88yo, it started as forgetting to pay bills, shoving them down by the fire or in cupboards, so i started to take care of these, and keeping tabs on what was going on, now i have EPA and registered since she became worse, so things have become easier for me as everything comes to me.

She takes aricept and seems to be helping greatly for stimuli and remembering short term things better, but long term events no problem, forgets and won't do any housework or anything, will not wash up unless someone is there watching over her, even not eat properly or would eat mouldy/going off food if family were not checking on things, she goes to day care 4 times a week which seems to enjoy, but when comes home sits in chair watching tv sometimes or sleeping, member of the family checks on her every evening along with carers organised by social services 5 nights a week and nan refuses their help such as washing up/housework/making sandwiches or cooking a meal,insists she can do it all herself but wont.

She has become incontinent but in denial of the fact will not accept bed/chair wetting. gets agressive when you tell her to change tenna pants as will not do on own accord, probably some kind of defence mechanism aggression.

The constant bed and chair seat cover washing/changing seems alot every day, can get on nerves and stressful sometimes, and when nan gets upset, she can not see sometimes why we have taken over paying her bills etc. and not having lots of money in the house like her always getting pension from post office and keeping it in house, we noticed it wasnt ever there when bills came or in purse so they had to be paid from her savings, it took a long time to sort out for the pension to go into bank account and for her to understand why i was paying her bills.

reading these forums i think we have it good Compared to some/many people though.


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Pete, welcome to TP.

Well done for looking after your nan, I'm sure you're finding it difficult, we all do, but you'll find lots of support here.

Regarding the incontinence issue, have you had an incontinence nurse to assess the situation? As you're using Tena, I assume you're buying your own, and you don't need to. Have a word with your nan's social worker and ask for a referral to the incontinence nurse.

It will save you a lot of time and energy too if you use bed and chair protectors. You still have to wash them, but it's a lot easier than stripping off sheets and chair covers all the time. The incontinence nurse may provide them, or you may have to buy your own. Try googling kylie sheets.

This site will give you some ideas, but there are lots more:


Good luck,


Registered User
Dec 10, 2006
Ilford, Essex
Hi pete81,
You are so young to be doing such a difficult job, when you should be enjoying your life. My son is 25 and I wouldn't want to think of him as being my mum's carer, although obviously I don't know what your circumstances are. Please, please make sure that you make time for you!
You could actually be talking about my mum although she WON'T go to a day centre. But the rest is very true of her. I don't think you are having it "good" at all. It is very very hard to cope with it all. Just keep visiting here as I do and even though you can't get any physical help, the emtional support is fantastic.
Take care of yourself.
Sharon x


Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
Hi Pete

And welcome.

Some good advice so far.

As to sitting in the chair when your Nan is at home you may jsut find that after the stimulation of the Day Care Centre she is exhausted and quite literally unable to process any more information and is, quite literally, just ready to veg out in front of the tea.

To your Nan the daycare centre is probably the equivalent of your having a really tough day at work. You know the ones when you come home just not wanting to do anything but flop and this is precisely what she is doing.

Ordinary chores take a lot of concentration and if she is very tired it is probably just too much for her to take on board to concentrate and do.

As you are finding getting them done require the skills of a UN peacekeeper. There is a certain amount of aggression jsut due to the defence mechanism we all have as we do not like to think that others are finding things easier than us. it eats at what little self esteem you have left, and this is probably the case with the incontinence issue too along with potential embarassment or she genuinely may not be aware what you are on about as she may have no recollection of an accident.

It is a very hard task that you find yourself with. You sound very very caring, your Nan is a lucky lady.