1. fluffykitten

    fluffykitten Registered User

    Dec 20, 2009
    4
    colchester
    first id like to say hi,,,
    im new here and finding my way around,

    my mum was diognosed last year,

    i feel very selfish and angry at my self,i will try to explain why


    mum had me when she was nearly 48 and as a teenager her and i found it difficult to communicate,as i got older and had children,we grew closer and spent a lot of time togeather,if we wernt togeather she would phone or i would phone lots,

    mum was never a huggy i love you kind of mum but as we both got older we developed that kind of relationship ,id send her flowers every week just to make her smile,

    now because of her alzhimers she sometimes forgets who i am ,especially in the evenings if i call her,
    i have started to back off from her and protect my heart, i hope this doesnt sound to stupid and that someone will know how i feel,
    i mean i dont give the same hugs smiles etc as i did before although i know she needs them as much if not more,
    i keep waking at 4am ,thinking about the fact i lost my dad 5 years ago,now im losing my mum ,can someone please help me by advising me how to bring down the walls ive put up between mum and i?

    i do spend a lot of time with mum,take her shoping do her washing etc etc ,but i feel like the daughter from hell because im scared to love her because im going to lose her ,
     
  2. scarletpauline

    scarletpauline Registered User

    Jul 19, 2009
    5,080
    Leicestershire
    I would say, and I am sure others will, love and hug your mum, she needs it, you need it, and if you don't you'll be sorry when it's too late. Love and hugs Pauline xx
     
  3. Heather777

    Heather777 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2008
    267
    Bristol
    Dont be to hard

    Fluffy kitten, just wanted to say that you must be a bit kinder to yourself. Having a parent with dementia is very hard. Your whole world changes and their need of you changes as well. It is like a journey, sometimes you deal with stuff well and sometimes you don't. You have to remember that where there are family issues, or things that haven't been comfortable these don't go away and sometimes they are heightened. You may never get a chance to confront them with your mum and talk through them. Remember that when you feel that she is not nice or popping at the areas that are painful for you it isn't her it is the illness.

    Just hold on in there and the walls will settle and fall as you begin to learn more about what is the illness and what are your emotions.

    Due to my childhood I had LOTS of issues with my parents, both my mum had and my dad has dementia. However, all I know is that you need to battle through the pain, being kind to yourself. At the end it is worth it. This battle does help you to sort out in your head the issues you have and at the end you will be grateful for being there.

    Dementia is not a nice illness and it turns your world upside down. There are many poems and stories on here that will enable you to see that what you are going through is normal, don't be alone. Walk this journey with others and you won't be alone.

    Take some time for you and your family.

    Heather x
     
  4. fluffykitten

    fluffykitten Registered User

    Dec 20, 2009
    4
    colchester
    thank you for your answers ,and the fact that i have looked at my own words on paper seems to make it easier for me to see that im being stupid, what ever i do im still going to get hurt so i may at least make sure mum is as happy as i can make her.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,143
    Kent
    The rule of thumb is to try not to leave yourself with regrets.
     
  6. fluffykitten

    fluffykitten Registered User

    Dec 20, 2009
    4
    colchester
    GG!! thank you !!! you just hit the nail on the head. when my dad was dying i know i had done all i could to make him comfortable and said everything i wanted to him ,and it left me with a calmness that i am at risk of not having if i carry on as i am ,

    ok from today i will lower the wall as much as i can,
    i miss hugging mum
     
  7. shelagh

    shelagh Registered User

    Sep 28, 2009
    476
    Staffordshire
    I suppose you are afraid that you will not be able to bear the loss of the love if you let it shine out and really feel it. But I don't think love is like that. I think the more you can give her the happier you will be in the long run although you are right in some ways it will make it harder.
    But when you look back on this time what will give you comfort is having shown your love, not withholding it.
    When you read the posts on this site you will find stories of the most amazing love shown in the most intoit of love alerable situations, but never a word of regret at having loved only sadness at the feeling of still not having done enough
    It sounds like you are a great daughter - enjoy what is still there while you can.
    I've got Alzheimers and I want every bit of love that's going. I'm sure your mum would say the same
    Shelagh
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,143
    Kent
    Bear in mind fluffykitten, dementia affects the emotions of many sufferers. Your mother might not hug, but it doesn`t mean she doesn`t want to be hugged.
    My husband wouldn`t think of hugging me but he smiles when I hug him.
     
  9. Bristolbelle

    Bristolbelle Registered User

    Aug 18, 2006
    1,847
    Bristol
    Regrets

    When my daughter was born she had to go to special care, she had pneumonia and they thought other problmes but hadn;t assessed her by then. I had had a ceasarian anyway so wasn;t in good shape though as I had had an epidural I wasn't doped up. My reaction was to refuse to go and see her. They had shown me a polarois with her on CPAP, led on bubble wrap, and with tibes all over the place. I was so scared by that phot I figured if I didn't see her the bond would not be so strong and I would not hurt so much when (not if in my mind) she died. I had had a miscarriage before and went through terrible greif even though it had been in the first trimester.
    Anyway the nurses (bless them) just threw me in a wheelchaior and took me to see her anyway, and you know what - how I bitterly regret those first 36 hours when I didn't see her. Now 21 she has some problems (the biggest one is her boyfrind:rolleyes:).
    On the whole we have a fantastic relationship, and I could not love her more, every day when I look at my two I wonder how I was able to make such wonderful human beings.
    As for my Mum she has Alzeimhers too, she had me a bit late, and we had a great relationship (though I was molly coddled). Now I too find myself withdrawing, but I know I am not leaving my Mum. It is this terrible disease I am running from. I often think Alzeimhers is like something out of Startrek wherean alien invades the brain and you are left with a shell that looks like you loved one but isn't anymore. I also feel you will continue to hug her, send flowers etc, because you know that deep inside there was appreciateiuon for these things and you can never tell when a spark will be reignited, and also because at the end it will bring you great comfort to know you never gave up.
     
  10. maryw

    maryw Registered User

    Nov 16, 2008
    3,805
    Surrey
    I had issues with my mother for a long time, like you a big age difference and she came from a Victorian controlling family, who never gave out affection. Over years I came to understand that it was not her fault she couldn't hug me, in fact it was very sad for her, but it didn't stop me hugging her and showing her love. And I did it more and more as she became more confused and frightened. I'm sure it helped, both her and me.

    I also remember the horrible feeling about being scared of losing her so it's almost "if I withdraw I won't get hurt". Life is so difficult at these times, but as others have said if you show love to her you will always know you were there for her and in the end it will be easier to bear. xx
     
  11. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,061
    Toronto, Canada
    Fluffykitten, bear in mind that your emotions will fluctuate along with the disease. I went through stages when I didn't want to hug or kiss my mother as I was so angry with her. These stages are normal and you can work through them. It is very good to remember Sylvia's advice.
     
  12. fredsnail

    fredsnail Registered User

    Dec 21, 2008
    649
    Fluffykitten, my Grandad was never a huggy person, never told us he loved us - but in the last 18 months he insists on a hug when we see him and when we are leaving. He has also told us he loves us far more often than ever before.

    If you hug your mum - she may remember who you are - especially if you normally wear a perfume or something that she is familiar with - she may not always remember who you are - but she will remember how you made her feel.
     
  13. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Hi Fluffykitten, sorry have only just caught up with your thread. I can understand putting that ‘emotional barrier’ up to protect yourself ... Joanne is so right .... it can and does change .... (even the Berlin Wall came down, remember!;))

    I found it hard to hug my mum at times when she had never been ‘huggy’ to me .... but sitting and holding her hand or ‘linking arms’ when I took her out were a start.

    Just to pick up on your original post, early morning waking is not good. Are you looking after yourself in all this?

    Karen, x
     
  14. caz1

    caz1 Registered User

    Dec 21, 2009
    8
    I understand exactly how you feel. I am doing exactly the same thing but because my mum lives 200 miles away, I don't see her. I find it very difficult.
     
  15. frederickgt

    frederickgt Registered User

    Jun 4, 2005
    124
    Hornchurch,Essex
    Flossykitten

    Whatever yoo do,DONT leave it too late,hug her NOW,I lost my wife Anna two years ago this Christmas,how I wish I could hug her still,or,be with her now,I am an impatient 82 year old,still grieving and allways will be Go for it Fluffy!
     

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