I'm a carer and I don't think I can cope, even in the early stages

[David1]

How to juggle my life and stay healthy?healtgh

My Mum has recently had a bad patch which has thrown into sharp relief just how difficult I am finding it to cope. I live alone with my Mum, and have a part-time job which means I am out of the house between 9am – 4pm. I am supposed to be going in today of course, but I feel so anxious at the moment and worried. It has made me have a minor relapse of some ME/CFS symptoms I have such as nausea and night sweats and exhaustion, and has me worrying about my own health and the consequences of my Mum’s condition.

I don’t want to go into work today, as I really need to recharge, but work is expecting, and I have only been doing the job for two months, AND I have recently taken over from someone else in the role at work. This other person has left the company so I have responsibility on my shoulders there.

At the heart of the matter is that if I am not well I cannot look after my Mum. I am primary carer, and my sister is unable to help out much at the moment. She lives 30 mins drive away. I feel like I cannot cope with the changes in my Mum. I want to get more help in, but it is really emotional help that I need not necessarily things like personal hygiene or cooking as my Mum can clean herself still and I can cook.

I am planning on getting a cleaner to come in once a week soon. There are companies where I live that offer additional care services should they be needed and my Mum can probably self-fund these.

I suppose I am now doubting whether I can hold up to all that is going on, keeping working and still worrying about my Mum. It feels horrid, and I’m a little scared and feeling a bit alone, because obviously I can’t tell my Mum my worries.

Thanks for any comfort and/or advice.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello David

Have you had a Community care assessment yet? It might enable you some emotional support in addition to practical support.

I know there have been cuts in provided services recently but you will never know unless you apply.

Ask your GP to refer you or phone your local Social Services.

I do hope you will find some help and support from Talking Point. It does help to share with people in similar circumstances.

 

[Navara]

David - You say you are your mum's primary carer?

By this do you mean just because you are her son and happen to live with her, or is it because you are claiming Carers Allowance for doing so?

I think you seriously need to ask yourself if you want to continue to do this. If the answer is no (and you have to be really honest and realistic), then you need to say this to Social Services.

You do not HAVE to take on the role of carer just because you are her son. You need to work and you also have to consider your own health issues.

 

[rajahh]

I agree with Navara and I would like to add that I feel emotionally you need work to jkeep you in the world so to speak.

If you are contemplating giving up work then you are narrowing your world and I think that is a bad thing.

Jeannette

 

[Izzy]

I agree with Sylvia. You need to get a Community Care Assessment - in particular a carer's assessment for yourself. This should lead yo some emotional support.

Keep posting on TP. You'll get lots of help and support here. x

 

[PeggySmith]

Hi David,

Firstly can I say that you're not the first one to feel overwhelmed by what's happening to your mum. Lots of us feel exactly the same and I'm certain that it's made worse if you live together.

On a more practical note, can I urge you to get in touch with your local Alzheimer's Society. That's one of the first things I did and they have been very helpful indeed. they provide me with emotional support and practical help with getting extra funding and access to respite care for MIL.

Good luck with it all and keep posting

 

[David1]

Thanks for replies and helpful comments.

I saw GP this morning and he signed me off work for a week with anxiety, which though it sounds bad actually came as a bit of a relief as I feel I have time to adjust and evaluate.

In all honesty I don't see myself as a very good carer, because I worry too much about my Mum, even at these early stages. I also have taken on the mantle of primary carer by default - in fact my sister has also given me that label - though it is not a role I relish. I love my Mum very dearly, but I think that we would both be worse off in the long run if I didn't have some independence. That is why I have lined up some appointments with cleaning/domestic care companies to get some help.

I definitely need some emotional support. I have asked the GP to refer me to counselling again - yes, I have accessed this in the past so I am a serial counsellee! I think the Alzheimer's Society contact is a good start, so thanks to those who suggested that.

Care assessments will probably come later when my Mum is less independent, but for now she can tend to her hygiene and can make some rudimentary food if I am not able to cook.

Thank you so much for all comments. I really do appreciate the time and effort you have put in to responding to me.

D

 

[Helen33]

Hello David,

can I urge you to get in touch with your local Alzheimer's Society.

I echo the above by Peggy and would request to meet with one of their outreach workers. It was invaluable to me when I needed it as a carer to my late husband, Alan.

I have just notice your latest update and am glad that you have seen the GP and you have a little breathing space.

Love

 

[jeany123]

I'm pleased to see your update David it sounds as thought you have a good idea of what is needed , I hope everything works out for you and you are feeling better soon.

Best wishes Jeany x

 

[meme]

seems to me you are a very good carer as you are sorting things out for your mother ..and you have the sense and strength to access counselling for yourself when needed which I commmend you for...

 

[tre]

Hello David,
Welcome to TP. I care for my husband and I also worked until September 2011 when my husband could no longer be left alone.

It was not until then I got to know my local carers organisation Carers in Herts and they have been a real help to me. It can be very lonely being a carer and trying to do the right thing caring for your loved one when you are not sure what the right thing might be.

Carers in Herts are part of the Carers Trust www.carers.org and if you look on their website you can enter your postcode and find out what support there is in your area. For me now daytime things are best, but they do evening meetings as well for people like you who are also working.

I have found it really helpful to talk to others who understand what it is really like to be a carer. It seems for nearly everyone that it is not something they had planned to do but just happened when the rest of the family left them to it. That maybe sounds a bit like I think that people resent being carers or do not love the person they care for- I don't mean that . I have not met anyone who did not love their caree and it is already apparent you love your mum from your post.

love Tre

 

[Isabella41]

Hello David
Welcome to TP. I also suffer from the same health problems as you. I have fibromyalgia if which ME is part and parcel of. Some days I am so sore and drained I don't want to get out of bed. I work full time in a demanding management job. My mother is the moderate stages of vascular dementia and as I am an only child there is only me to be the immediate family support. I really do feel for you as I know what its like to have to juggle so many balls while not personally physically well. For someone who has never experienced the extreme and debiltating tiredness of ME it is hard to explain. Its so hard to think straight and function normally when your entire body is screaming "SLEEP" at you.

Where your mum is concerned you are by law entitled to a carer's assesment. It doesn't matter at what stage your mum is at. This will look at the impact being a carer is having on you and what help you need to enable you to care or if you feel you can't (and there is no shame in feeling this way) then Social Services will come up with a care plan as appropriate.

You don't say if the house you share is rented/owned and by whom. This will be important for the whole care scenario moving forward.

Its good that your GP has given you some breathing space regards work. I think it would be inadvisable to quit your job unless it was a totally last option. It gets you out of the house and allows you to meet with people. If you think things are bad now they would get a whole lot worse if you were cooped up in the house with your mother 24/7.

Please do keep coming on TP. No matter the hour there is always someone on here who will talk and help.

Best wishes

Isabella

 

[stanleypj]

Another great source for advice and support are the Admiral Nurses (dedicated to helping carers of people with dementia cope). There aren't many. Have a look at the dementia uk website. They also have a telephone number so you can speak to someone direct:

http://www.dementiauk.org/informatio...bout-dementia/

Take care

 

[garnuft]

Hello David, I'm glad you've got another week to catch your breath.
You've had some good advice.
It may seem the easier way to give up your job but I did the same and I fought to get out and get one,
it went by the wayside, far too casually.
I am alone and isolated.
Surrounded by people.

It is a very wearing, tiresome job to be a carer, more so if it is your parent.
I think you should take all the time off you need
but resolve to go back to work and have help in place for your Mum.
It's a lonely enough path.
I hope you have a partner to share it with or it will be the Alpha and Omega of your life,
don't let it be.
Climb out.
I speak as a person stuck in the bottom.

 

[notsogooddtr]

carry on working?

I think working can be a huge benefit,certainly for me it's a touch of normality.I will be 60 next year,retirement looming but have made decision to carry on at least part time.Iwill finish work when it suits me,not when it's best for my mum and dad.Sounds awful but I don't want, and am certainly not suited to, being a carer.As it is the whole situation seems to dominate my life and it's making me a horrible, resentful, angry person.Major tantrum yesterday over a cup of tea upended on floor,tears from my mum(often in tears lately)dad oblivious,upshot was I was unable to sleep (again)due to terrible feelings of guilt.Ionly have to look at my mother and compassion flies out of the window,I acn hear the change in my voice when I speak to her,maybe I need therapy.Have just realise I've gone off on a ramble here,my point was think carefully before you give up your own life,it's not your responsibility but you be be allowed to make it yours.Scream out for help and keep screaming till it's forthcoming.