1. netsy22

    netsy22 Registered User

    Oct 31, 2015
    257
    I've done it again. I made the mistake of telling my mother that my cousin was coming to to take her out on Monday. She took it well at the time but now she has had time to ruminate, the agitation has started. I have already had 5 phone calls about it in an hour today, fussing about what time, etc, and forgetting which day, confusing it with me calling in tomorrow.....I should have waited until Sunday night to tell her!

    I don't know whether it's worth her having visitors and outings anymore it's such a hassle and she doesn't remember where she's been or who lives where so what's the point?
     
  2. Beetroot

    Beetroot Registered User

    Aug 19, 2015
    363
    If it gives her pleasure at the time, the feeling will stay with her even if the memory of the actual event doesn't so there is a point. Perhaps not tell her too far in advance, or would it help if you were to write things in a diary for her, or will that make her worse? My mother who lives with me can be a bit like this over some things, but not all. I wonder if there's a touch of anxiety at teh bottom of it - how will I cope with the outing sort of thing. But she does cope and enjoys it.
     
  3. brambles

    brambles Registered User

    Sep 22, 2014
    228
    Female
    NW England
    Oh netsy ,

    I completely understand. My mum is exactly the same.

    I try to avoid telling her of any event at all, in particular visitors, until the day actually dawns, but it is so hard not to let the cat out of the bag.
    Mum loves people to come but gets in a complete state in exactly the same way as yours, constant phone calls, confusion over dates and times and always thinking she has to feed everybody.

    Written reminders are a waste of time.

    Three of her grandchildren and three of her great grandchildren will be visiting her this weekend and so far she hasn't found out.......but inevitably, if I don't let it slip, someone else will.
    She will really enjoy the day..........but will remain anxious and confused for several days after as well.

    brambles x
     
  4. Candlelight 67

    Candlelight 67 Registered User

    Nov 4, 2013
    167
    West Sussex
    My Mother is the same. Constant questions, messing up the calendar. Food etc. But she does so enjoy the visits although she will forget. I have yet to find a way and would be very interested to hear a better way of coping. I am also showered with moans and complaints. Lovely
     
  5. Rodelinda

    Rodelinda Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    172
    Suffolk
    My mother, who lives with me, is the same. I've learnt not to say anything until the day itself or only the day before. A diary didn't work as she couldn't remember to look at it and even notices don't seem to help. But the telling her at the last moment does seem to work for her - it doesn't seem to phase her that I'm saying at breakfast something that is happening later in the day. It helps reduce her anxiety as if I tell her in advance she will think it's happening today (as she has almost no memory or grasp of the passing of time) and get very anxious about when people are coming, what we're going to give them to eat etc. That also helps reduce my stress. I also agree that it is worth doing things and having family visit as she does enjoy it at the time, she sometimes reminisces about the very old days and does enjoy watching her great grandchildren etc. It's also good for the family members. But definitely keep 'mum' as long as possible (I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with a family visitation to celebrate her 90th birthday later in the year but will work out something). Keep trying until you find something that works - for both of you. Sue
     
  6. netsy22

    netsy22 Registered User

    Oct 31, 2015
    257
    Got to go with it!

    Thanks for all the suggestions: yes there will be a happy lingering memory of any family occasion; I can't deprive her of these, so have to strike a balance between my convenience and mental state:( and trying to do the best for her! But very short notice is best...note to self. She tricks me into thinking she can handle it by appearing to be normal, but it comes back to bite me when the anxiety kicks in.
     
  7. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,566
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand

    Short notice or no notice is best.
    My Mum has just this week gone into a care home... it was meant to be for Respite, but we had to make decisions fast, as we knew within a month or so at home the situation would be come more intolerable. Mum confused dad with two people, her husband or a stranger living in her house. The stranger she was becoming scared of, and dad could not cope with this recent change. Mum also keeps getting repeat UTI's.

    For the same reason we didn't tell Mum when it was someones birthday, or anniversary. Mum would be fretting and worrying for days, going down to the local shop to buy a card ( usually the wrong type) stamps, trying to address envelopes. Forgetting what she had done, so would do it all over again.
     

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