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I wish it would end for mum

widdy

Registered User
May 26, 2015
16
Hello I have not been on for awhile but today I feel like I need to just let go of how I feel. Mum has VD and A and has been in NH for a year now before that very sheltered accom.
Last September we were called to the NH three times because they thought mum was near the end only for her to pick up but not to the degree she had been. Mum has not been out of bed since then can no longer really speak eats only jelly, cream shots, and maybe only every other day a liquid meal. She is all skin and bones and a horrible yellow colour. Today on my visit she could just open her eyes and her breathing was very slow to the point sometimes I thought she had stopped breathing. She is comfortable and well looked after. Here is the thing I just wish that she would just slip away I would miss her more than I can say but I hate going to see her like she is. I lost the mum I had and have just some one I can no longer speak to. I sit here sometimes and think I will phone mum only to remember I can't do that now. I hate feeling like this I wish I could take it all away for her. Thank you for reading this as I know there are a lot of us out there all feeling the same.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,032
Scotland
Losing your mother is bad enough but to lose her in this way is so cruel. For her it will be a comfort that you are there at times. She may not react but in her inner self the feeling that there is someone who cares about her should help to ease her journey. I know from being at the death beds of my brother and BIL that holding their hands gave them comfort. We all need to know we belong to someone.
 

Babymare01

Registered User
Apr 22, 2015
309
Hello Widdy - like you I want my mum to slip off in to a peaceful sleep and never wake up. Its a horrible feeling when you have been so close to someone but I feel it for all the right reasons. What I would give for just 1 hour sat over a brew chatting to my mum just talking about "stuff" and laughing like we used to :)

Thinking of you xx
 

Pear trees

Registered User
Jan 25, 2015
441
I also wish that my mum would die peacefully in her sleep and not have to watch her agonising decline into dementia.
I hope your mum finds peace soon and you gain comfort from being with her.
 

MollyD

Registered User
Mar 27, 2016
1,696
Ireland
Hi Widdy, just sending you heartfelt thoughts. It's such a painful time. Hope in time you find solace in the fact you've been rooting for and supporting your mum in the midst of your grief and conflicted emotions. Her decline iseasier for this, no matter how difficult this awful stage still is. Hugs x
 

billybw60

Registered User
May 29, 2016
43
Hello I have not been on for awhile but today I feel like I need to just let go of how I feel. Mum has VD and A and has been in NH for a year now before that very sheltered accom.
Last September we were called to the NH three times because they thought mum was near the end only for her to pick up but not to the degree she had been. Mum has not been out of bed since then can no longer really speak eats only jelly, cream shots, and maybe only every other day a liquid meal. She is all skin and bones and a horrible yellow colour. Today on my visit she could just open her eyes and her breathing was very slow to the point sometimes I thought she had stopped breathing. She is comfortable and well looked after. Here is the thing I just wish that she would just slip away I would miss her more than I can say but I hate going to see her like she is. I lost the mum I had and have just some one I can no longer speak to. I sit here sometimes and think I will phone mum only to remember I can't do that now. I hate feeling like this I wish I could take it all away for her. Thank you for reading this as I know there are a lot of us out there all feeling the same.
Hi Widdy - yes I know exactly what you mean and then feel guilty for feeling that way! It is so very hard - I can across a saying the other day - "one of the hardest things you will ever have to do my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive". Huge hug. x
 

jorgieporgie

Registered User
Mar 2, 2016
1,985
YORKSHIRE
Hi Widdy, you are not alone. I wish Mum could go peacefully in her sleep too. I know I will be heartbroken when she dose, but it surly can not be as bad as watching her suffer in this way. I think I have already moaned the lost of my Mum as so many people have their loved ones with dementia. Take care x
 

Charlie39

Registered User
Dec 10, 2012
14
Dorset
Hello Widdy, my Mum is not at the stage yet that your Mum is, but she is so unhappy and today she just kept telling me she wanted to go.. I feel your pain and I dread the later stages. We all love our Mums, it's such a difficult situation. Lots of love and strength. X
 

widdy

Registered User
May 26, 2015
16
Hello to all you lovely people out there. Thank you so much for your kind words. I could write for hours about how I feel so many feelings and not enough words to describe it all.
Today mum was awake could not speak but ate a little porridge and her main liquid meal. Tomorrow who knows. I shall carry on going to see her and play her the Irish music she loved so much and know that deep down she knows I am there and draw strength in all your thoughts. Love to you and your loved ones xx
 
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Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,806
Ireland
Hello I have not been on for awhile but today I feel like I need to just let go of how I feel. Mum has VD and A and has been in NH for a year now before that very sheltered accom.
Last September we were called to the NH three times because they thought mum was near the end only for her to pick up but not to the degree she had been. Mum has not been out of bed since then can no longer really speak eats only jelly, cream shots, and maybe only every other day a liquid meal. She is all skin and bones and a horrible yellow colour. Today on my visit she could just open her eyes and her breathing was very slow to the point sometimes I thought she had stopped breathing. She is comfortable and well looked after. Here is the thing I just wish that she would just slip away I would miss her more than I can say but I hate going to see her like she is. I lost the mum I had and have just some one I can no longer speak to. I sit here sometimes and think I will phone mum only to remember I can't do that now. I hate feeling like this I wish I could take it all away for her. Thank you for reading this as I know there are a lot of us out there all feeling the same.
Am so sorry Widdy. You are a very courageous person and doing your best for your Mum. Sending you blessings and loads of support.

Aisling
 

Mac4

Registered User
May 21, 2016
12
I remember thinking that the end would never come, then it did. It is a relief knowing their suffering has finally come to an end. My mom's journey is over now and I wish you all God speed.
 

lemonjuice

Registered User
Jun 15, 2016
1,534
England
Only to encourage the original poster and others who've posted that you are not alone. Many people feel like that, myself included.
As we watch this slow decline where they are no longer living, but existing because they're still breathing, is really, really hard.

My first big emergency was over 4 years ago and with each new emergency I hope it will be the last one.

Apart from her heart problems and the consequent Vascular Dementia she is remarkably healthy! No recurrent utis or chest infections (as she used to have before going into the Home) or problems with choking.
But regular Tias progressing to an unconscious state cause concern every time. Because the Home's carers hand-feed her, her nutrition level is high, as is her weight and therefore although each 'new incident' takes her longer to recover, recover she does. Only to face more 'mere existence' as she herself would say.
 
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Ellaroo

Registered User
Nov 16, 2015
161
Liverpool
Hi Widdy,
Sorry to hear your mum is so ill.
My mum is at stage where she hits out and swears at myself and carers .
It is one of worse diseases ,slowly taking away person we love.
Glad to hear your mum has eaten today and hope she passes peacefully when the end finally comes .
I am at a loss what to say, my emotions with mum are constantly either high or low .
Plus dont know when change in behaviour will happen.
Lots of hugs and a little part of me is jealous , because your mums purgatory is ending soon xxxxxxxxxxx
 

Ghegz

Registered User
Jul 4, 2016
1
Hey Widdy, I feel exactly the same as you, big hugs.

:):)
Hello I have not been on for awhile but today I feel like I need to just let go of how I feel. Mum has VD and A and has been in NH for a year now before that very sheltered accom.
Last September we were called to the NH three times because they thought mum was near the end only for her to pick up but not to the degree she had been. Mum has not been out of bed since then can no longer really speak eats only jelly, cream shots, and maybe only every other day a liquid meal. She is all skin and bones and a horrible yellow colour. Today on my visit she could just open her eyes and her breathing was very slow to the point sometimes I thought she had stopped breathing. She is comfortable and well looked after. Here is the thing I just wish that she would just slip away I would miss her more than I can say but I hate going to see her like she is. I lost the mum I had and have just some one I can no longer speak to. I sit here sometimes and think I will phone mum only to remember I can't do that now. I hate feeling like this I wish I could take it all away for her. Thank you for reading this as I know there are a lot of us out there all feeling the same.
 

Wendy C

Registered User
Jan 29, 2012
121
West Midlands
I know exactly how you feel. My Mom is in late stages. No longer talks, has to be hoisted as she cant walk. On pureed food and has to be fed. I saw her today after being away for a week and even the small smile has gone. She was vacant and was just not there today. The only thing she is capable of is drinking and then she cant tip her head back to finish her drink. She dribbles constantly. As like you all, just wish Mom would slip away. My heart would break, but this suffering is so cruel. Love to you all
 

Vanessa J

Registered User
Jun 27, 2016
2
With you all the way

Hi Widdy,

I'm new to TP and have just read your post.

I'm so sorry to read about the way you feel, my mum in law (whom I love very much) is on the same journey as your mother and sometimes going to see her is the most painful thing in the world.

The thing that sustains me, is my time spent as a psychiatric nurse on an EMI ward.

No matter how closed off our patients had become, their behaviour, mood and attitude all changed after a visit from family or friends. Elderly gents who no longer seemed capable of any reactions would smile in their sleep. Old ladies who had stopped communicating would hum to themselves.

We may not see the positive impact that we have, but it really does make a difference.
Yes, it's hell to witness this cruel, dignity-stripping condition and yes, news of my mother in law not waking up from her afternoon nap would be a relief, but I just hang on to the fact that until that happens, all my interactions with her as least have some meaning.

Ness x