Sorry it's my first post and I just wanted to write down how I am feeling at the moment .Mum is just 70. Diagnosed when she was 65 we think she has had dementia since she was at least 60. Mum started getting worse- attacking my Dad in 2009 and running off in the middle of the night. I lived nearby but with a small child, husband working away and working myself could only help my Dad so much. She was sectioned for her own safety so we decided the only way to keep her safe would be a care home. She settled in well and the home is amazing. Dad died suddenly later that year. Part of me feels he gave up knowing she would never be coming home. I have gone to see Mum twice a week since she went into the care home she is unable to hold a conversation and has no idea who I am or who my 6 year old daughter is. Her sisters find it too distressing to see her the way she is so it's just me visiting. She has lost an awful lot of weight and just paces the corridor all day in the care home. Her head is stooped over and she tends to bump into things.The care home staff are wonderful and monitor her diet really closely. She eats like a horse but is burning so many calories pacing all day. She never sits still and only seems to relax at night.
My friends and family ask how Mum is? I am truthful but try to be positive more to make them feel better and say she is happy in her 'own little world'. But is she happy? I feel like I lost my Mum years ago but have not been able to grieve for her. God forbid I should say this but I wish her pain would be over for herself and selfishly for me. She cries a lot and I feel so bad I can't understand what she may be thinking. She may be in pain but she can't tell anyone.To the outside world I cope really well but inside and just lately I just wish it was over. What an awful thing to think but I believe it will be a relief. People who knew Mum who have not seen her for a few years would not recognise her it is heartbreaking and every week I go knowing I can't even sit and hold her hand as she won't keep still and can't have a conversation with her. I do talk to her and tell her what has been going on often I think what's the point. I wonder how long this will go on for? Another 10 years? This is a truly awful disease.
My friends and family ask how Mum is? I am truthful but try to be positive more to make them feel better and say she is happy in her 'own little world'. But is she happy? I feel like I lost my Mum years ago but have not been able to grieve for her. God forbid I should say this but I wish her pain would be over for herself and selfishly for me. She cries a lot and I feel so bad I can't understand what she may be thinking. She may be in pain but she can't tell anyone.To the outside world I cope really well but inside and just lately I just wish it was over. What an awful thing to think but I believe it will be a relief. People who knew Mum who have not seen her for a few years would not recognise her it is heartbreaking and every week I go knowing I can't even sit and hold her hand as she won't keep still and can't have a conversation with her. I do talk to her and tell her what has been going on often I think what's the point. I wonder how long this will go on for? Another 10 years? This is a truly awful disease.