I want him home

[benjie]

I'm so sorry but I really do want hubby home. But he can't come here. We've lived here together very happily for 24 years but we agreed that we would need to downsize and find somewhere closer to the community.

In May he took a downturn and was sectioned. Yes I'd been having a difficult time for a couple of months but being isolated from friends and family in a rural location doesn't help. Hubby was on the assessment unit for 2 months and has been granted CHC with 6 hours a day 1 to 1 extra care (this includes personal care too) and has now been in a very good nursing home for a month.

I visit him most days and found it hard when they had to close the unit due to infection. We have a very loving relationship and he is aware of his surroundings and staff say he is a lovely person and has settled very well. (He has been there before on respite breaks.

I've talked to him about the house recently and he does understand about selling but I see the sadness in him - not for the house but for our togetherness. It just breaks my heart that we're not together and he is still "there".

 

[Jo1958]

Benjie, hi
Goodness I can sympathise, I want my hubby home as well, I was thinking this morning how much I really miss him being here. It's no fun.

You have added worries if you are thinking of selling the house that was yours, I cannot imagine your feelings but can send sympathy for how very alone you must be feeling.
With kindest understanding regards from Jo

 

[LYN T]

Hi

My Husband is in a CH and he settled so well I can remember speaking to the care staff and said I wanted him home. Then they put me straight.They told me that he is placid when I'm there (I visit everyday) and he's lovely. But he still has agitation and verbal agressiveness over personal care, and he sleeps at the most for a two hour stretch at a time.I had no choice over him being placed in a CH anyway as due to violence/agitation he needed 24 hour care and after being sectioned it was decided that he couldn't come home. He also needs a lot of one to one attention. Also his time at the day care centre was withdrawn due to him attempting to attack the head carer.

In effect it's easy to have doubts about placing our spouses in a CH and missing them at home is terrible-but remember why he is in a CH in the first place. If you couldn't cope before it's unlikely that you would now.

As far as moving house we did in February this year. I did this with the sole intention of keeping P at home as our last house had a steep flight of stairs up to the front door and his walking is not good.I moved into a bungalow but it didn't work out.Was it a waste of time moving? I don't think so. If I'd stayed in our last house it would have been too big for one person (it was too big for two) and I would have the trauma of being reminded everyday of happy times. Now I am in a smaller, cheaper to run place and I can choose my memories-if that makes sense.

Perhaps it would be just as good to move but not mention it to your Husband if it is making him sad. I don't have that problem as P couldn't remember the previous house where he had lived for 30 years (he used to get lost in his own home-even finding a bedroom or a toilet was a problem for him.)

Take your time over your decision as moving is very stressful-but isolation can be as well.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[cab]

what a very difficult time your going through at this time

sending (((HUGS))) your way

 

[Margaret938]

Hello Benjie,
There is never a day or night goes by that I don't yearn to have my darling husband home with me. But like Lyn says no matter how much we want it we have to do what is best for our husband. When I am visiting him and we have a good day, I say to myself walking home, "I could have George back home with me" but every day is not good, on the not so good days, I realise that having him home is just a pipe dream. I get very tired helping him with the toilet, I think when I have to do this once or even twice on my visit, could I really manage this six times a day, and the answer is I could not. Life is never going to be the same for us, the pre dementia lovely husband's that we had are gone, and in their place is a very different husband. We are left with a shell, an although it pains me to even write this without crying, I have to face up to what I have and make the most of my daily visits.
On the bright side, I am planning to bring him home this afternoon, provided I find him in a "good" mood.
Take care, I hope you can work things out.
Love Margaret x

 

[benjie]

Thank you all so much for your kindness and advice. It's still early days yet as he's only been in the CH for a month after 2 months in hospital. Last time he was in hospital and care home for 5 months but then I knew he was coming home. Now I seem to be at sixes and sevens. Over the last week or so he seems to have perked up and is so happy to see me and ready with a great big hug (long may it last - I must take a photo of these times).

Today I was going to take him to the local park and enjoy ice creams in the sunshine but after his lunch he was too tired - one of the staff had wheeled him around the grounds for a while so the fresh air worked it's magic

Yes, our house is also too big for 2 people and I hardly use any of the rooms now, and as for the garden, luckily I found a young lad in the village to tidy it up with me. I'm still undecided about the move. If I get a house then if M does come home I would put a lift in as he can't walk. Or I could have a bungalow in case I have trouble with stairs later in life. But then, maybe it is just a pipe dream. It's so d***d hard as so many of you know.

 

[Jessbow]

Benji
How old are you? Not that it makes a great deal of difference I guess.

How close could you move to him? Could you perhaps secure a small bungalow as close by to the home ? I think you need to perhaps consider the longevity of the placement he is in now. Is he likely to be able to stay there long tem?

What family support do you have?

I think its very early days, nothing is 'normal' yet, still in the changing process and you, as well as he, need time and a little TLC.

Is there anywhere near the home you can take him out for a while, perhaps a large-ish pub or something, have a meal and spend time together away from the home?

It must be so hard. Thinking of you xx

 

[benjie]

Benji
How old are you? Not that it makes a great deal of difference I guess.

How close could you move to him? Could you perhaps secure a small bungalow as close by to the home ? I think you need to perhaps consider the longevity of the placement he is in now. Is he likely to be able to stay there long tem?

What family support do you have?

I think its very early days, nothing is 'normal' yet, still in the changing process and you, as well as he, need time and a little TLC.

Is there anywhere near the home you can take him out for a while, perhaps a large-ish pub or something, have a meal and spend time together away from the home?

It must be so hard. Thinking of you xx

Hi Jesbow, I'm 58 and hubby is 74 so I have "youth" on my side - at the moment - but we can never say how long those with dementia will survive. The home has 2 units for dementia - the other one is for advanced and severe alzheimers and dementia.

The house I live in is just what he always dreamed of owning one day but
is now too much for me. Once this is sold then I can really start in earnest, whether it be a bungalow or house but it will certainly be closer to where he is - at the moment I'm about 12 miles away which by all accounts isn't that far.

I took him to a pub last week but after about 40 mins wanted to "go home". Yesterday I was going to take him to a local park but after lunch he was really tired and fell asleep so I left. The same happened today. Tomorrow I'll go mid afternoon and hope he's more alert. On Friday though I have to take him for a hospital appointment and as it's late morning I hope to take him for a light lunch and a drink.

Each day is different but they are always good days and I am thankful for that. I do feel a bit better now as I have settled down and seen that all the staff are spending time with him and working with him on different activities. Hopefully I'm reaching a turning point - as you say, it's still early days.

My family and friends have been very supportive but can badger me at times which I really don't need as I do need to get a lot of things sorted.

Thanks for your advice and your shoulder

benjie

 

[Jo1958]

Benjie, hi
It's great that all days are good day, know the feeling! I hope that the appointment on Friday goes well and you get a chance to have a lunch out together although these outings to the hospital can be very tiring for you both.

If you are self funding for the home then there is no problem with selling your house and moving but if you get any financial help from the Council then I think you have to get good advice. I seem to remember that if you sell the joint property then you really only have half of the funds to buy your new place with as they will take what is seen as 'his half' to help pay for care. I don't know if this is still correct but thought I'd mention it just in case you need to pencil it into your plans.

Take good care and I hope your faith in the home continues and grows with time.
With best wishes from Jo