I thought as the days and weeks went on it would get easier but it doesn't. It gets harder. Today's been really difficult, I found myself crying this morning for no good reason and that's how it's been all day. I keep remembering the last 4 months and how difficult it was for Gary before he died and how awful it was and how helpless I felt to help him and I feel so bad. I keep replaying things over and over in my mind like the time he told me his heart hurt because I wasn't there when he was in the assessment unit and that he only felt safe when I was with him. All the lies I told him to get him to the unit and to keep him there. I wish I could go back and do things differently to make things easier for him but I don't know what else I could have done, I wonder if I took the easy way out though by asking to have him admitted
I Thought
- Thread starter elaine n
- Start date
Dear Elaine,
You didn't take the easy way out at all, you woould have done that long before if that's what you were looking for. You are grieving, you have very good reason to cry - you must have held so much in over the last I don't know how long. Please don't question yourself so. Sorry not been able to post much but you are thought about and remembered.
Love
Sue
Of course you did not do the wrong thing it was impossible to keep Gary at home
You done the best you could for you and Gary
It is so hard I Have not excepted mum has gone and I blame myself for having a few days break even though I know she was well cared for we have to blame someone and we are the easiest to blame
We will get through this and we will be stronger for it (if only I could believe that as well) we just need to take one step at a time instead of one forward and two back
It is a cr** time and I know nothing any one tells us helps but deep down I know their right thinking of you love larivy
You done the best you could for you and Gary
It is so hard I Have not excepted mum has gone and I blame myself for having a few days break even though I know she was well cared for we have to blame someone and we are the easiest to blame
We will get through this and we will be stronger for it (if only I could believe that as well) we just need to take one step at a time instead of one forward and two back
It is a cr** time and I know nothing any one tells us helps but deep down I know their right thinking of you love larivy
Elaine , there wasn`t any other way. You couldn`t have done things any differently.
These thoughts will ease with time. Be kind to yourself,you have been through so much and you must be feeling dreadful still.
Its good for you to say these things Elaine and we are all here for you.
These thoughts will ease with time. Be kind to yourself,you have been through so much and you must be feeling dreadful still.
Its good for you to say these things Elaine and we are all here for you.
O Dear Elaine. You have been so kind to me today and all the time you have been feeling so wretched yourself. You went through such a traumtic time when Gary was admitted that it's no wonder it is still hurting like hell. I'm sure it will take some time to deal with your grief but take one day at a time - so cliched but so true.
We have to make decisions based on what is happening at any given time and that is what you did. I'm sure everyone thinks back and wishes things could have been different, that we had acted differently - I know I do - but we can all only do our best. We are not superwomen. We all have to say these little white lies too, but you didn't say them for yor own sake, it is to make things easier for Gary, which is also why you allowed him to be admitted to the assessment unit. Everything you did, you did for Gary and I can't think that he didn't really know it deep down.
Don't think for a second that you let him down in any way and how can you say you took the easy way out having him admitted - when you are feeling so wretched. If he had been in such pain at home you would probably be feeling that you should have place him where he could have had immediate access to professional care and help.
It is natural that you should wonder if you did the right thing, we all do that with most major decisions we make, and, as we all know on TP,a decision about a loved one's health is just about as major as any decision can be. I remember you agonising over your decision so you hardly mad it lightly, and you had Pauls'a backing too.
I do hope you will feel a it brighter soon. You are still grieving and it is natural for you to be tearful. Please be kind to yourself, Gary, I'm sure would not want you to feel so sad. Sending love and sympathy X
We have to make decisions based on what is happening at any given time and that is what you did. I'm sure everyone thinks back and wishes things could have been different, that we had acted differently - I know I do - but we can all only do our best. We are not superwomen. We all have to say these little white lies too, but you didn't say them for yor own sake, it is to make things easier for Gary, which is also why you allowed him to be admitted to the assessment unit. Everything you did, you did for Gary and I can't think that he didn't really know it deep down.
Don't think for a second that you let him down in any way and how can you say you took the easy way out having him admitted - when you are feeling so wretched. If he had been in such pain at home you would probably be feeling that you should have place him where he could have had immediate access to professional care and help.
It is natural that you should wonder if you did the right thing, we all do that with most major decisions we make, and, as we all know on TP,a decision about a loved one's health is just about as major as any decision can be. I remember you agonising over your decision so you hardly mad it lightly, and you had Pauls'a backing too.
I do hope you will feel a it brighter soon. You are still grieving and it is natural for you to be tearful. Please be kind to yourself, Gary, I'm sure would not want you to feel so sad. Sending love and sympathy X
I think I'm not grieving so much that he's died and out of this awful life but for all that went before. It was all so terrible for him, he was never happy and always tortured by his dementia and so frightened and I couldn't make it easier for him....I just wanted to make it easier
Dear Elaine,
Remember that even all those staff were finding it hard to cope. This shows how impossible it was for you doing it solo. I am convinced that you really did go the extra mile and if it was at all possible (taking everything into consideration) you would have kept your Gary at home. It was not to be Elaine. Not because you failed but because for some the ravages of dementia are far too difficult to deal with 24/7 as a solo carer.
Your Gary was in the process of dying and I think whatever was causing this probably made the symptoms of dementia a million times worse. Not his fault and not yours. It just is.
Love x
Remember that even all those staff were finding it hard to cope. This shows how impossible it was for you doing it solo. I am convinced that you really did go the extra mile and if it was at all possible (taking everything into consideration) you would have kept your Gary at home. It was not to be Elaine. Not because you failed but because for some the ravages of dementia are far too difficult to deal with 24/7 as a solo carer.
Your Gary was in the process of dying and I think whatever was causing this probably made the symptoms of dementia a million times worse. Not his fault and not yours. It just is.
Love x
I know - this is exactly how Dave is. I realised the other day that he hasn't laughed for well over a year and rarely smlies. In fact i can't recall the last time he did that either. I feel helpless as I can't assuage his suffering. Even in his sleep, he is experiencing horrors of some kind judging by the terror he displays when he wakes.
So I do understand - but you really did do your best I'm sure. Your love for Gary shone through your posts. I hope you find peace of mind so that you can sleep tonight. love X
So I do understand - but you really did do your best I'm sure. Your love for Gary shone through your posts. I hope you find peace of mind so that you can sleep tonight. love X
You had no alternative, Elaine. You did your very best and your love shone through - what more could you do?
Wish I had more words of comfort but you know we are all here for you during this very very difficult time.
Wish I had more words of comfort but you know we are all here for you during this very very difficult time.
Dear Elaine
For me, I think there is an especially bad pain that comes with having witnessed a traumatic decline - if you like, a "simpler" version (than you might think of, say, with war, or a bombing) of post traumatic stress.
You had accepted that Gary's decline would end with his dying, and indeed that was a release. What you so regret is that he had a bad time of it, and witnessing that was very painful for you.
There are several of us on TP whose sufferer either had a tormented decline or a particularly unpleasant death, or both, and certainly we all have a hard time putting behind us our memories and pictures of what happened.
So perhaps keep posting here, or talk to someone who can understand. For myself, I'm keeping an eye on how I progress - if I'm continuing to struggle I'm back to counselling......
I hope that your pain eases, and that perhaps posting about it has helped a little,
Best wishes xxx
For me, I think there is an especially bad pain that comes with having witnessed a traumatic decline - if you like, a "simpler" version (than you might think of, say, with war, or a bombing) of post traumatic stress.
You had accepted that Gary's decline would end with his dying, and indeed that was a release. What you so regret is that he had a bad time of it, and witnessing that was very painful for you.
There are several of us on TP whose sufferer either had a tormented decline or a particularly unpleasant death, or both, and certainly we all have a hard time putting behind us our memories and pictures of what happened.
So perhaps keep posting here, or talk to someone who can understand. For myself, I'm keeping an eye on how I progress - if I'm continuing to struggle I'm back to counselling......
I hope that your pain eases, and that perhaps posting about it has helped a little,
Best wishes xxx
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without you and your love it would have been so much harder for gary
you did your best
now I hope you don't mind me saying this but youre not super woman
you are a fallible loving woman
so please take it easy on yourself
you are grieving and what you are feelinq is normal
luv an stuff sarah
you did your best
now I hope you don't mind me saying this but youre not super woman
you are a fallible loving woman
so please take it easy on yourself
you are grieving and what you are feelinq is normal
luv an stuff sarah
Dear Elaine.
Before Gary went into the home he was very unhappy in his own home, the home he shared with you. You had to lock the doors to keep him in. He upturned furniture in his frustration.
I know he was unhappy in the home but he would have been unhappy anywhere.
You carry no guilt Elaine you did everything you could but it is far too early for you to expect to be recovered from the events of the past few months. You have been through more sorrow than many go through in a lifetime.
Before Gary went into the home he was very unhappy in his own home, the home he shared with you. You had to lock the doors to keep him in. He upturned furniture in his frustration.
I know he was unhappy in the home but he would have been unhappy anywhere.
You carry no guilt Elaine you did everything you could but it is far too early for you to expect to be recovered from the events of the past few months. You have been through more sorrow than many go through in a lifetime.
I know you're right Sylvia, I just wish I could wipe it all out, all the awful memories of how it was for him. Looking back it all seems such a nightmare and when we're dealing with it, it all seems to be about how we're feeling, not them
Dear Elaine
I am not good with words tonight, but I do echo what Sylvia wrote.
My husband is alive, my grief is different, but it is a grieving. I think part of that is replaying things over and over in your mind. As it is happening you are so busy coping with it there is no time to dwell on it, to think in depth. You know you have to "keep a grip" in order to cope, and to protect your loved one from further suffering by seeing your anguish.
You went through so much, Elaine, and latterly it all happened so quickly you did not have time to mentally digest it. Hence the replaying it over and over in your mind. You were dealing with what arose as it arose. Now you have time to relive it, to question yourelf - and we all do that.
You are grieving for the death of Gary, but it is now afterwards, that you have the time and quietness to grieve for what went before his death. I don't think it is possible to wipe it all from your mind, but that it is something you do have to go through, very painfully, before you begin to heal.
No idea if this makes any sense, can't find the words to say what I mean.
You did your best for Gary, you were wonderful, try not to be hard on yourself. It is very early days, and it will all take time before it begins to get better. I hope being here on TP can help you to work your way through it. This is the place to let it out, rather than keep it bottled within.
Loo xx
I am not good with words tonight, but I do echo what Sylvia wrote.
My husband is alive, my grief is different, but it is a grieving. I think part of that is replaying things over and over in your mind. As it is happening you are so busy coping with it there is no time to dwell on it, to think in depth. You know you have to "keep a grip" in order to cope, and to protect your loved one from further suffering by seeing your anguish.
You went through so much, Elaine, and latterly it all happened so quickly you did not have time to mentally digest it. Hence the replaying it over and over in your mind. You were dealing with what arose as it arose. Now you have time to relive it, to question yourelf - and we all do that.
You are grieving for the death of Gary, but it is now afterwards, that you have the time and quietness to grieve for what went before his death. I don't think it is possible to wipe it all from your mind, but that it is something you do have to go through, very painfully, before you begin to heal.
No idea if this makes any sense, can't find the words to say what I mean.
You did your best for Gary, you were wonderful, try not to be hard on yourself. It is very early days, and it will all take time before it begins to get better. I hope being here on TP can help you to work your way through it. This is the place to let it out, rather than keep it bottled within.
Loo xx
Dear Elaine
If there's onr thing you DEFININTELY didn't do, it was to take the easy way out.
Gary's last few months at home were horrific. For both of you.
I know it's so, so hard. But please don't ever feel you let Gary down. You did eveerything you could for him - and then a whole lot more.
It's early days. It will take a long time.
But I know you will get there.
In the meantime keep posting here and we, your friends, will help you through it the very best we can.
If there's onr thing you DEFININTELY didn't do, it was to take the easy way out.
Gary's last few months at home were horrific. For both of you.
I know it's so, so hard. But please don't ever feel you let Gary down. You did eveerything you could for him - and then a whole lot more.
It's early days. It will take a long time.
But I know you will get there.
In the meantime keep posting here and we, your friends, will help you through it the very best we can.
When we go through a trauma our brains need to process it by replaying it over and over until the subconscious mind accepts it.
This is what is happening to you. It's normal , and it will help you recover , even though it feels awful while it's happening.
It's awfully early days Elaine.
Sending lots of hugs xxxx
This is what is happening to you. It's normal , and it will help you recover , even though it feels awful while it's happening.
It's awfully early days Elaine.
Sending lots of hugs xxxx
Hi Elaine,
Like Nicoise I knew that I was suffering from trauma and I knew that I would need help to deal with it. I have had a year of trauma therapy and I really don't know where I would be without it. The therapist really did understand the severity of the trauma and the effects it could have. I am not recommending this to you because I know you will know in your own being what it is that you need. I could really identify when you said that when something traumatic is happening we are more about what we are experiencing than them!!! It is all about survival. Your instincts were natural under very unnatural circumstances.
love
Like Nicoise I knew that I was suffering from trauma and I knew that I would need help to deal with it. I have had a year of trauma therapy and I really don't know where I would be without it. The therapist really did understand the severity of the trauma and the effects it could have. I am not recommending this to you because I know you will know in your own being what it is that you need. I could really identify when you said that when something traumatic is happening we are more about what we are experiencing than them!!! It is all about survival. Your instincts were natural under very unnatural circumstances.
love
Dear Elaine,
My husband died on the 19th of October, at home, only 62 years old. Like you I keep going over and over it in my mind trying to make sense of it.
He had been in hospital for 6 weeks with an infection that the Doctors said was septic, was poorly, had lost a lot of weight, barely eating or drinking small amounts. Lost his mobility, was catheterised and in pads, very agitated when the carers or myself tried to do anything for him. It was very distressing. After a life of being very independent, with a responsible job where he was highly respected he ended up having to have everything done for him.
I am crying about it now as I write.
I keep asking what I could have done to make things better. Keep going round and round in circles in my head.
He still knew who I was. He didn't want to die, but I think he was getting fed up with his life as it was.
It is so hard watching and being with someone you love declining not able to make things better for them.
I miss him so much.
Sometimes I find it helps to keep busy, or talk to friends and family - they often hear me repeating myself with the same thoughts and worries going over and over in my mind.
Like you people tell me I did everything possible for him. You have nothing to reproach yourself for.
Sue
My husband died on the 19th of October, at home, only 62 years old. Like you I keep going over and over it in my mind trying to make sense of it.
He had been in hospital for 6 weeks with an infection that the Doctors said was septic, was poorly, had lost a lot of weight, barely eating or drinking small amounts. Lost his mobility, was catheterised and in pads, very agitated when the carers or myself tried to do anything for him. It was very distressing. After a life of being very independent, with a responsible job where he was highly respected he ended up having to have everything done for him.
I am crying about it now as I write.
I keep asking what I could have done to make things better. Keep going round and round in circles in my head.
He still knew who I was. He didn't want to die, but I think he was getting fed up with his life as it was.
It is so hard watching and being with someone you love declining not able to make things better for them.
I miss him so much.
Sometimes I find it helps to keep busy, or talk to friends and family - they often hear me repeating myself with the same thoughts and worries going over and over in my mind.
Like you people tell me I did everything possible for him. You have nothing to reproach yourself for.
Sue
