I still can't believe I've reached this page

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Dimelza, Feb 1, 2016.

  1. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    I'm doing ok. Too well I think. Barely any tears, not much sadness. I've made all the arrangements for dads funeral. Chosen music, readings and photographs for the slideshow. Ordered floral tributes. Written my personal eulogy.

    I wonder if the fact I'd given dad permission to go, and felt I was ready to let go, is helping.
    I was more upset during the last months and weeks and days. The thought of never seeing it touching dad again is worse than the reality so far.

    So I was going to go to work today but I've been surrounded by people for weeks. I can't recall the last time I was alone. So I'm going to do that today.

    I may go sit with dad. We've asked for a closed casket, none of us need to see dad again. But I'd like to go talk to him.

    I've managed to start eating a little again, and slowed down my alcohol consumption! I need a clear head.

    I feel kind of robotic, like I'm on autopilot. And this scares me. Because when's it going to hit me?

    Anyway. Here's my wonderful daddy. I'm going to miss this smile every day of my life. ImageUploadedByTalking Point1454291555.690051.jpg
  2. Ellaroo

    Ellaroo Registered User

    Nov 16, 2015
    Your dad looks lovely whenever this photo was taken.
    Hes at peace now and kind wishes for you at his funeral. When my mum is ranting i wish she was dead, living in purgatory and when she is lucid I feel terrible for thinking it.
    Your dad would be v proud of you , im sure xxxxx
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    What a lovely photo.
    Thinking of you xx
  4. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    What a wonderful photo and indeed a really lovely smile.

    It's good you're going to take some time to yourself. Your arrangements for the funeral sound perfect.

    Wishing you strength.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Dimelza

    It`s good to have some time alone, for reflection, for quietness, for solitude , for space. If you do go to sit with your dad, I hope it brings you comfort. I`m so glad I went to sit with my husband.

    The photo of your dad shows a lovely face. :)
  6. Ash148

    Ash148 Registered User

    Jan 1, 2014
    Dublin, Ireland
    My condolences and best wishes. Your dad looks a wonderful gentleman.
  7. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Your dad looks like a lovely man. Your grief might hit you later when all the arrangements and the funeral are over and "normal" life starts again. After living with dementia its hard to remember what normal is. Be kind to yourself and try to allow yourself to grieve. You can look back and know you did your best and i am sure your dad is very proud of you.
  8. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    What a lovey photo and what a sweet smile. So kind and warm.

    Don't worry about your reactions. Things will happen at their own pace for you. Crying is not necessarily an indicator of grief.

    Your father is at peace now. Remember that you did the best you could and that he loved you.
  9. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    I couldn't believe I had reached the "dealing with loss" section either Dimelza. I think when the person has been ill so very long, and we know that they are dying - but it goes on so long - we just go into a sort of twilight life, where we subconsciously think it's going to go on like this forever. But of course, it doesn't.

    Your arrangements sound perfect. And some time alone is essential. I had several of my husband's family staying with me from the day after his death until after the funeral. Kind as they were, time alone was desperately needed. It takes so much more concentration to focus on things, I found, that when others are around all the time, you just can't relax. Can't seem to find yourself.

    Your grief will come in its own time. Probably not over the Big Loss of your dad - but over so many little losses, so many little things to miss. That is a lovely pic to have of your dad - he looks just as if he is smiling and waving at you rather than at the camera. Blessings to you at this time. xx
  10. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    What a super photo! Such a lovely man, with a saucy sparkle in his eyes xx
  11. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    Thank you all. It's one of my favourites.
    I'm concerned though. I've barely shed a tear or felt anything since dad died.
    People around are visibly upset but I'm just flat.
  12. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    everyone is different , you will deal with this as you can.
    Fil had his funeral last Friday , OH is dealing with this completely different to mil.(non dementia related)

    That's a wonderful photo and one to treasure xx
  13. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    My condolences, Dimelza. A lovey photo of your Dad, I'm sure it gives you some comfort.
    We are all different in these circumstances. I did all the necessary arrangements thinking I was doing quite well. Then, as we arrived at the Cemetery, seeing all the people standing there waiting, was when it hit me.

    You will deal with it in your own way. My thoughts are with you. M xxx :)
  14. Dimelza

    Dimelza Registered User

    May 28, 2013
    Thanks mal2 and kjn.
    Awake already but we are collected at 915 so I'm getting up soon to make sure I'm organised and one last run through of what I'm going to say.
    My husband read it for me last night and even he shed a tear!
    I wake up feeling like I've someone sitting on my chest but it just doesn't feel real.
  15. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    Sending you hugs and strength for today. You have been the most wonderful caring daughter and of that you can be proud. Beautiful photo of your Dad. I will be thinking of you today. Xx
  16. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    Thinking of you today Dimelza, your Dad will know how the love and care you showed him through his life has continued through to all your thoughtful arrangements for today. Wishing you strength and sending a supportive hug. Take care xx
  17. Chantilly

    Chantilly Registered User

    Jan 29, 2016
    Hello, I am new here and have just lost my sister last Friday. Her funeral was yesterday and I couldn't believe how many tears I shed - it just poured out. Exactly 6 months ago my mother passed away and I hardly shed a tear at the time. I even went back to work the next day. In december I started to just get weird feelings out of the blue and get very sad and starting crying about Mum. I am saying this because it took me 4 months to actually feel the loss of her, but with my sister it was instant. My point is that we are all different and for someone unknown reason we don't react the way we think we will. Please don't feel you don't care because you haven't shed tears, it will come one day. Take care x
  18. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    Everybody is different, and it doesn't make you any less of a person. It's what's in your heart that matters. Sorry to hear of yet another bereavement Chantilly, and thinking of you, Dimelza.
  19. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Hi Dimelza
    I'm just thinking of you right now so thought I'd post to say just that
    I hope today goes as you want it to

    and your grief is yours - each of us feels and reacts in our own way - so however it is for you is right and proper

    best wishes
  20. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    Thinking of you Dimelza today xx
    So sorry to hear of your loss too Chantilly. I lost my husband and my Mother in 15 months and I was the same as you , felt completely different things at different times xxx just have to go with the flow and not listen to what others think you should or shouldn't be thinking or feeling x

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