• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

I miss mum even though she is still here

PMM1485

Registered User
Dec 16, 2018
21
As a single lady post 50 I have been happy with my life and the decisions made and paths taken. However my mum was always there. We had a complex relationship, who doesn't, but she was my only source of unconditional love. I knew I would be devastated when I lost her but never in my wildest dreams imagined the slow acid erosion of dementia. It my birthday next week. Every year I would take the day off work with the intention of having a lie in, every year my mum would forget and wake me up at 7.00am with a happy birthday phone call. She won't this year and I would truly give anything to hear that phone call. Still, hoping I get to spend some of the day with her.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,602
cornwall
As a single lady post 50 I have been happy with my life and the decisions made and paths taken. However my mum was always there. We had a complex relationship, who doesn't, but she was my only source of unconditional love. I knew I would be devastated when I lost her but never in my wildest dreams imagined the slow acid erosion of dementia. It my birthday next week. Every year I would take the day off work with the intention of having a lie in, every year my mum would forget and wake me up at 7.00am with a happy birthday phone call. She won't this year and I would truly give anything to hear that phone call. Still, hoping I get to spend some of the day with her.
I hope so too. (Hugs)
 

BMforever

New member
Sep 30, 2019
2
Hi. I really sympathize with you. My mum has Alzheimer’s Dementia as well as a UTI and it breaks my heart to say she’s not the mum I used to know. My sister and I are very sad and miss the ‘old’ mum. There aren’t really any words to describe how it feels to see your mum slowly fade away. I understand... I’d give my right arm to have my mum back, the mum before Alzheimer’s Dementia.
 

Violeta

Registered User
May 31, 2020
11
I am sorry, PMM, it is so hard and especially on special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries and so on. I hope you get to spend time with your mum on your birthday this year though. Sending a warm hug. XX
 

Countryside1

Registered User
Jul 14, 2017
4
As a single lady post 50 I have been happy with my life and the decisions made and paths taken. However my mum was always there. We had a complex relationship, who doesn't, but she was my only source of unconditional love. I knew I would be devastated when I lost her but never in my wildest dreams imagined the slow acid erosion of dementia. It my birthday next week. Every year I would take the day off work with the intention of having a lie in, every year my mum would forget and wake me up at 7.00am with a happy birthday phone call. She won't this year and I would truly give anything to hear that phone call. Still, hoping I get to spend some of the day with her.
 

Countryside1

Registered User
Jul 14, 2017
4
I can totally relate. Me and mum were so close, probably codependent, ups and downs but always open and honest with each other. We worked hard to have a true connection as adults. I was a rebellious teen and she was a depressed benefits mother of 5. She adored my 2 daughters and my partner of 25 years. And now she just looks at me blankly and confused and exhausted mentally and physically. I keep her alive by preparing her food and checking on her. Without me I think she’d not last long. A couple of months ago she would cry that I was helping her. Inside I would cry through my hidden , to her, depression and anxiety.
But as she said to me today.....calling me totally confused about EVERYTHING....’I may as well be dead’. What do I say to that? I didn’t know.
I detest dementia so much for entering our lives. In the early months (4yrs diagnosed now) I would cry so much for what was happening, I was grieving my mum. I cry a lot less now. It’s a crazy situation. Such a burden on my emotions. I feel for you. It is so very draining. X
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
393
"The slow acid erosion of dementia" is a very evocative phrase @PMM1485 . I've just come across a section of a favourite poem of mum's in a scrapbook. It seems very poignant now:

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit
 

Cuchulin

New member
Mar 2, 2019
8
I can totally relate to this. My mum was my best friend. I am watching every thing that made her 'her' fade away. I'm her carer and no longer her daughter. I feel like I'm grieving for her while she is still alive.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,265
Essex
It'll be my birthday in a few weeks time, four days after mum's twelfth anniversary and I'm not expecting anything from the family but I am trying to resolve everything. I'll let you know how I get on and PM1485 I hope you do get to spend part of the day with your mum. I know it's not the same but you can make the most of it.

Happy Birthday

MaNaAk
 

Littlejimbo

New member
Jan 7, 2018
8
Me too. I don’t know why but I feel that the last couple of weeks I’ve been really grieving for the Mum I’ve lost. We’ve always been so close and I’m struggling so much with how things are now. I feel as though I’m forgetting what Mum used to be like and scared that I’ll only remember her how she is now x
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,265
Essex
Trust me you will remember how your loved ones were I know because I lost dad just over a year ago and whilst I dreamt of him with Alzheimers I am now dreaming of him without Alzheimers.

MaNaAk
 

Littlejimbo

New member
Jan 7, 2018
8
Trust me you will remember how your loved ones were I know because I lost dad just over a year ago and whilst I dreamt of him with Alzheimers I am now dreaming of him without Alzheimers.

MaNaAk
I hope so, sorry for the loss of your Dad, it’s so hard x
 

Whisperer

Registered User
Mar 27, 2017
150
Hampshire
Hello PMM1485

I fully understand how you feel. Mum forgot my birthday this year. I ensure we get cards for my siblings birthdays, Christmas, etc, but do not feel comfortable mentioning my own.

it helped me knowing it is the illness not mum. I got us some cakes as a treat and when asked by mum I just said I thought we should have a little treat without reason.

There is an old saying I never fully understood until mum got Dementia.

”They were the best of times, they were the worst of times”.

The worst being Dementia. The best because in a strange way me and mum are now closer than ever before. Caring for her gives me time to help her and guide her. We have laughs, chat about old times she remembers, share amiable quiet company.

I know the worst is yet to come, but one day at a time, one moment at a time.
 

PamKent

Registered User
Jul 21, 2020
19
Kent
"The slow acid erosion of dementia" is a very evocative phrase @PMM1485 . I've just come across a section of a favourite poem of mum's in a scrapbook. It seems very poignant now:

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit
I just have to write after reading this poem ! What a wonderful way to look on the coming years. Thank you for posting it for us to read.
my mum is 92 and it describes her to a T. in her early eighties I would take her clothes shopping which she always loved. One day she insisted on going into a shop and insisted on buying fishnet tights. !! She was quite peeved when I said I don’t think you will be going anywhere to wear them. No matter how old we get I think we always think in our minds we’re 21 !
mum is still here in body but her mind is somewhere very far back in the 1940s.
pam