I lost my mum who was 64 on New years eve at 9:33pm. My heart is broken and I feel so lost, Mum got diagnosed with mixed dementia alzheimer's, lewy body and vascula dementia in July 2019 , unfortunately mum declined quite quickly over the years and in 2022 I had to preform cpr on mum luckily i saved her life and gave her another 20 months with us, I had to make the decision to put mum into a care home as she could have 24/7 support which I couldnt give anymore. On christmas just got she had the best christmas then on Sunday 31st 2023 i had a call saying mums unwell so i go in and she's asleep paramedics come and say they will take mum too hospital but 5 mins later they said she was dying and i had too make the choice for mum to stay at the care home and pass or go to hospital and pass so i made the best decision for mum and that was too remain at the home and pass with me holding her hand. I miss her so much and i feel so empty without her , no one I know understands the pain im feeling i feel numb and dont want too be here anymore mum was an amazing lady i just want her back , i am heartbroken , i work at the care home mum passed away in aswell , my head is a mess and i know people who are reading this will understand how i feel. I feel like an awful daughter and second guessing every decision i made for mum , i love you always mumma bear. Its her 65th birthday this month and its so hard without her. Mum fought her dementia till the very end she was and always will be a strong caring women who i was lucky enough too call my mum
I lost my mum recently
- Thread starter Jayne2395
- Start date
your mum looks a lovely lady. she was lucky to have you as well. take time to grieve.
@Jayne2395 , please accept my sincere condolences for your loss. Lovely photos of your Mum and so pleased that you have lovely memories. Hang on to those and remember you acted in her best interests. Wishing you well and I hope that you will find solace in the knowledge that her suffering is over. Try to look after yourself.
Hello @Jayne2395 welcome to the forum
My condolences on the loss of your mum. I lost my dad unexpectedly just before Christmas a few years ago and remember how surreal it felt to have a celebration suddenly become a bereavement. He was older than your mum though and it seems particularly unfair to lose a parent at such a young age.
I hope posting here helps you to come to terms with your feelings someone here will always understand.
My condolences on the loss of your mum. I lost my dad unexpectedly just before Christmas a few years ago and remember how surreal it felt to have a celebration suddenly become a bereavement. He was older than your mum though and it seems particularly unfair to lose a parent at such a young age.
I hope posting here helps you to come to terms with your feelings someone here will always understand.
Hello @Jayne2395 and welcome to the forum from me also.
Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your Mum. All the way through you had her best interests at heart and you should be comforted by that. Of course the loss is devastating for you, but do try to cherish and remember the good and happy times . They are lovely photos of your dear Mum.
I lost my Mum 18 months ago - miss her everyday - miss being able to share and talk things through - but remembering the laughs and happy times we shared helps
Take you own time to grieve; your emotions are still very raw as it is no time at all.
Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your Mum. All the way through you had her best interests at heart and you should be comforted by that. Of course the loss is devastating for you, but do try to cherish and remember the good and happy times . They are lovely photos of your dear Mum.
I lost my Mum 18 months ago - miss her everyday - miss being able to share and talk things through - but remembering the laughs and happy times we shared helps
Take you own time to grieve; your emotions are still very raw as it is no time at all.
Sorry to hear your sad news @Jayne2395
My mum died last June, and my dad died 9 months before that. Like @Gosling , I miss them both everyday. It has got easier over time because my thoughts of them now are memories of the good times rather than the fact that they're gone.
Take care of yourself. S x
My mum died last June, and my dad died 9 months before that. Like @Gosling , I miss them both everyday. It has got easier over time because my thoughts of them now are memories of the good times rather than the fact that they're gone.
Take care of yourself. S x
So sorry for your loss of your Mum @Jayne2395. I hope that your happier memories of your times with your Mum will help you through these difficult times.
I understand your sense of loss of your mother, although l respect the pain is yours and yours alone. That is a salient fact for each one of us who have lived with a loved one, a mother in my case as well, who was afflicted with dementia. Because of the obvious bond which exists between you and the care you have given, even it seems preserved her life at one stage, that alone makes the relationship very powerful and as an adult daughter, as l was an adult son, that relationship becomes enhanced in a very particular way due to the nature of dementia. You become what your own mother was when raising you - caring for a vulnerable child, a daughter whom she loved - in a reverse role. You work in the same Care Home where your mother was resident. I did the same. When she died l was not at all sure that l could continue working there, passing her room every day knowing she was no longer there. Yet l did and found it totally positive and not at all unsettling. The fundamental thing is this. All the care and love which you have provided during the whole period in which your mother has lived with her dementia, remains intact. All the moments of laughter and play which took place when your mother was free of this unremitting disease remains intact. Nothing can harm that, ever. When the dementia entered both your lives then all the challenges which arise you confronted as best you could, knowing your mother now required that kind of very personal care which demands every waking hour and every vestige of energy at one's disposal, because that is the nature of dementia. It claims the one you know and love and renders them complete vulnerable. Its not like being affectionate and caring at a distance, which is the norm for many people who fortunately have not experienced dementia first hand. No, its very different. Each and every day becomes a challenge, a broad mix of expectation, anxiety, apprehension and often cold fear. All of this - and each one of us can relate a different story - compounds one's daily living and creates a kind of cocoon in which you reside mentally and in a way physically too because you are not free. So is it any wonder that you find yourself in a state of despair and perhaps also a sense of utter helplessness which appears to have no ending... Grief is a complex state and l am never quite sure about its legitimacy. With dementia the "anticipatory Grief " occurs almost by default. That also compounds the whole notion of ' normal ' grief evolving out of actual loss.
So if you feel a need to shed tears, do so. Don't inhibit any of that. Its a natural release and out of it can come a degree of clarity. Acceptance of fact. That someone, a mother, is no longer here. And being fact, being truth, that in itself can alleviate longing and any sense of denial. We all die, that is a truth and as honest as birth itself. Its the actual living that demands our very serious commitment to understanding above everything else, ourselves.
Therefore let the " living " part of your dear mother act as the comfort factor, because that is reality. Yes, the dementia was very very hard to address within the one you know and love. I found that too. But when l kissed my late mother during her final moments - she was unconscious and had lived with Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia for a short time, presenting in her mid 90's - l knew that l had at least done everything in my power to care for her, through thick and thin and traumatic moments which were immensely challenging at times. You have kindly shared your story here and that is very valuable because it gives solace to those who are entering the sphere of dementia care by narrating your reality, your experience and your integrity in openly expressing your own emotional grief. That honesty is wholly positive and greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
My sincere condolences to you @Jayne2395 . I lost my mother aged 51 ( to cancer) and I have had to learn to live with it. You will too, although right now it’s a “stop all the clocks” feeling. (WH Auden). In time you will remember and treasure all the happy times, right up to the lovely Christmas you shared. Your mum looked a very special lady. You were able to be with your mum at the end, hard though it must have been, and this will be a comfort to you. I wasn’t told in time. I am glad you were.
Such a lovely post. Your mumma was lucky to have you. She's at peace from her dementia now though xx
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