I just want to remember my Mum

[Sunshine11!]

This week, my darling Mum died suddenly in the Care Home. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster. I know “ it was a blessing”, “The best way to go” and so on but oh god, how do you get through this? I know that sounds pathetic. I’ve got a wonderful support network but am struggling so much with my father and alcohol dependent sister. They are unaware of the two years of agony my brother and I went through, fighting to raise neglect issues with social services and others. Denying the carers access to their home to see Mum so consequently Mum suffered indignities and worse.
Since she was admitted to the home, several months ago, my sister did not visit once. Yesterday, I cleared Mum’s room and took things back to the family home. Were it not for the fact that my father was there, I feel that I would totally have “lost it” with my sister. I feel sick that my father is talking to us as equals, wanting us to think about funeral arrangements together. I want to shout at him “she is not the same as me. She disgusts me”. I know that Dad is grieving. I want to shout at him though “ you have a son too who is grieving”. Whilst we were at the home on the day Mum died, I asked Dad if he would like me to phone my brother and tell him. I’m so glad he let me - I wanted to be the one who did- but nothing could have prepared me for his reaction. The raw emotion nearly broke me. At no point did Dad ask how it went or want to talk to him, Grief I guess.
I didn’t mean to write all that . The main reason I woke up and wanted to post this morning was because I’m heeling hemmed in with anger and more towards them, when all I really want to do is remember my wonderful Mum. I’m struggling to get beyond what she was like pre Alzheimer’s,

 

[Izzy]

I’m so sorry for your loss @Sunshine11!

Nothing you have said is pathetic. As well as grieving your own loss you are dealing with so much more. I hope sharing here helps a little.

 

[Missodell18]

I’m so sorry for your loss @Sunshine11! Something like what you’ve been through really pushes families completely to breaking point. I hope you can find some comfort and peace yourself even through all this stress and grief. I think given time you will start to remember your mum how she was. She wasn’t what Alzheimer’s made her. That was just the effects of a terrible illness, not your ‘real’ mum. Wishing you love and peace.

 

[Sarasa]

So sorry to hear about the loss of your mum @Sunshine11!. At the moment it is all so raw and new and you have no time to grieve properly as it sounds like you are having to organise things and deal with the on-going problems with your dad and sister.
It is early days but eventually you will be to remember your mum pre-dementia. My mum died a few weeks ago and I am gradually forgetting the past few years, and remembering her in prime. Take your time and know there is always someone here if you want to off load.

 

[Sunshine11!]

You’re making me cry but I’m so so comforted already by what you’ve said. Thank you - invisible hugs to you all

 

[canary]

The main reason I woke up and wanted to post this morning was because I’m heeling hemmed in with anger and more towards them, when all I really want to do is remember my wonderful Mum. I’m struggling to get beyond what she was like pre Alzheimer’s,

You will get there, but at the moment your grief is too raw. It takes time.
Be gentle with yourself and just through one day, one hour, or even one minute, at a time
xx

 

[GillP]

@Sunshine11! , I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You have many things to contend with. Try to take it easy and look after yourself.

 

[MaNaAk]

Thinking of you @Sunshine11!

((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

MaNaAk

 

[SkyeD]

Condolences @Sunshine11! Wishing you strength and peace over the coming days, weeks and months, and sending you a big virtual hug.
S x

 

[SeaSwallow]

Sending you heartfelt condolences @Sunshine11! Wishing you peace and strength over the next days and weeks. I hope that eventually you will be able to remember your mum as she used to be before dementia changed her.

 

[Jale]

Sending sincere condolences @Sunshine11!, siblings can be a pain in the proverbial - I know, I've got one.

Please be kind to yourself, take one day at a time. I hope that in time you will remember the happier times with your Mum. Take care and if you need to vent you know where to come x

 

[Sunshine11!]

Thanks everyone. I’ve been dreading today, being with “step”; family. The tears came quickly again this morning and so I went for an early morning pound the streets with my dog. This is such a salvation atm.
Looking back on the day, numbness got me through. I’ve never experienced such v range of emotions, in such a short amount of time. I’m also starting to feel that it’s about time I pulled myself together, Mum died on Wednesday. Should I ?

 

[SeaSwallow]

Oh dear @Sunshine11! please don’t think that you have to “pull yourself together”. You are at a very early stage of the grieving process. Please take each day as it comes. Some will be easier and some harder.

 

[canary]

I’m also starting to feel that it’s about time I pulled myself together, Mum died on Wednesday. Should I ?

Its only been a few days and your grief is new and raw - it is normal for your emotions to be all over the place at the moment.
No, you dont have to "pull yourself together". What you need to do is give yourself time and space to allow yourself to grieve. Be kind to yourself
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[GillP]

@Sunshine11! , you’ve had some sound advice from @canary. It is early days and the pain can be visceral. Please be kind to yourself x

 

[Sunshine11!]

😢 Thank you. I feel like I need a checklist of
- by the end of … you should be feeling …
- by the end of … you should be …
And how likely ng should the time be and how big the space?
I accept that we’re all different, I just don’t want people to be getting fed up with me. They’re all going through different and tough things too. I’ve not got the monopoly on this. As many have said, it was a blessing, for the best etc but she was still my Mum 😢😢😢

 

[Sunshine11!]

GillP your description of the pain is spot on

 

[scotlass]

yes maybe it was a blessing, and she's a t peace now, but she was your mum ,and you loved her..still do, and it will take some time before you remember her as she was before this horrible disease, give yourself time and look after yourself.xx

 

[canary]

😢 Thank you. I feel like I need a checklist of
- by the end of … you should be feeling …
- by the end of … you should be …
And how likely ng should the time be and how big the space?
I accept that we’re all different, I just don’t want people to be getting fed up with me. They’re all going through different and tough things too. I’ve not got the monopoly on this. As many have said, it was a blessing, for the best etc but she was still my Mum 😢😢😢

No, unfortunately, there is no one size fits all when it comes to grief, but one thing I can say is that it will take a lot longer than a few days or weeks. Take no notice of people who think that you should be "over it" an have "moved on" after a couple of months - you wont have.

If you dont want to open up to people around you, then tell us as it is on here - we will not get fed up with you
xx

 

[Sunshine11!]

Thanks so much - I don’t want to upset anybody be else is the bottom like too.
Funeral arrangements are in hand but nothing can start re that. As the death was sudden, there has to be coroner involvement so I know that won’t be quick.
Dad is already asking me about flowers, music, etc etc and I just want to scream. And as for one well meaning relative who was putting slight pressure on me to talk with Dad about “Mum being clothed in the new clothes she’d got her for Christmas “. I’d loved crocheting mum a snuggly blanket and someone else suggested putting that with Mum. I’m keeping that but can’t bear to open the wrapping still on it at the moment. I’ve got to have a day when I don’t cry!!!